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This thread was created on May 16, 2008
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Looking Down the Barrel
Topic ID: 30302
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enzoguy15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:30 pm    Post subject: Looking Down the Barrel Reply with quote

Looking Down the Barrel.

By: Josh G.

It was this kind of day that you wish you never got out of bed. Parents used to tell me that this was exposed to be the only safe place for a kid to go. Now that I see what this is all about. I guess sometimes parents are wrong.

Here I stand looking down a barrel of a .22 Cobolt hand pistol. I stand between the thin string that divides life and death and this is one thing that I would never want to be on, and now I was. This was it I thought. I couldn’t believe this would happen to me. But the worst part about it is no one will ever see me again.

I stood in the hall scared and nervous with a gun pointed dead in-between my eyes. I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name. Also we were friends at a point, but as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests. Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now I was finally realizing what I have don’t and who it had hurt. I guess I cant blame him for being mad or furious at me, but this has taken it too far.

He spoke to me, “Do you finally realize what you have done? Or do I have to help a little?” his voice was soft cold and dark. His veins were popping out of his face and neck. His hand gripped the gun harder and harder. I could see the bullet in the gun and the sides of the barrel that looked like a spiral down, and I knew if he shot that bullet would come spinning in a perfect line towards me.

The only thing I could do was shiver. Until I finally built up enough courage to speak.

"I'm... I'm... I'm Sorry!"

And with those final words a cruel pricing shot.

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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Job, I'm very interested to see what happens. You did make a few mistakes that I'd like to point out though. The bold shows words that you should either change or just put in there. The crossed out words means that your story would run more smoothly if you omitted them.


Quote:
It was that kind of day that you had wished you never got out of bed. My parents used to tell me that this was supposed to be the only safe place for a kid to go. Now that I see what this is all about, I guess sometimes parents are wrong.


Here I stand looking down the barrel of a .22 Cobolt hand pistol. I stand between the thin string that divides life and death and this is one string that I would never want to be on, and now I was. This was it I thought. I couldn’t believe this would happen to me. But the worst part about it is no one will ever see me again.


I stood in the hall scared and nervous with a gun pointed dead in-between my eyes. I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name. Also we were friends at one point, but as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests. Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now that I was finally realizing what I have done and who it had hurt. I guess I cant blame him for being mad or furious at (try with) me, but this has taken it too far.


He spoke to me, “Do you finally (the repetition of finally realize sounds stange try to fix that) realize what you have done? Or do I have to help a little?” his voice was soft cold and dark. His veins were popping out of his face and neck. His hand gripped the gun harder and harder. I could see the bullet in the gun and the sides of the barrel that looked like a spiral down, and I knew if he shot that bullet it would come spinning in a perfect line towards me.

The only thing I could do was shiver. Until I finally built up enough courage to speak.
"I'm... I'm... I'm Sorry!"

And with those final words a cruel piercing shot.


Overall, great job, but you need to keep an eye on your tenses. A lot of times you switch from present tense to past tense, so I'd advise that you go back and fix those. Another thing that you could improve on is that your story seems very mashed together - it would help a lot if you described/ explained things more. Especially the first paragraph and the paragraph where the main character was explaining his history with the other character.

Keep writing,
-Onceuponatim3xo

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October Girl   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very interesting, but not very detailed I have to think on it, I'm not exctly sure I like it or if I hate it... Sorry this Crit isn't very much help but I'm actually confused here....

-Max

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi! Interesting piece, though I'm not sure the emotions came across as best as you though they could.

Quote:
I stand between the thin string that divides life and death


This is a weird description. When you think about it, it doesn't make much sense. Hanging from the string, maybe, or alternatively, you could talk about a thin line, which would fit better I think.

Quote:
dead in-between


Another questionable description. I'm not sure how else you could say it, but it did stand out as odd to me.

Quote:
I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name. Also we were friends at a point, but as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests. Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now I was finally realizing what I have don’t and who it had hurt.


This is a literal dump of information that the reader honestly shouldn't be told. This whole piece of writing focuses on a moment in time, a very intense, pivotal moment. By dumping this non-interesting slab of info on the reader's head, you leave him a bit disoriented. In something like this I would hold off on giving back-stories because it can only hurt this type of work. Now if you were to expand this then you could gradually have brought in this information...but honestly from what you have I neither care about the guy who's shot or the guy whose shooting him for that matter. It's like you're throwing this random image in our heads with no good reason for us to care.

...I would ramble on some more but I'm sure I would stop making sense. On a good note I commend you for attempting to write a really instense, emotional scene, but having it standing alone like this dooms it to failure. It needs to be supported by more story.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Hope I helped some. Razz

BlackGhost

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this, but I think it needs to be longer. Put in some more emotions and descriptions, extend it a little bit, and it should be great.

Quote:
It was this kind of day that you wish you never got out of bed.


This sentence doesn't seem right to me. Try replacing the 'this' with a 'the'. And mybe make it 'wished' instead of 'wish'.

Quote:
Parents used to tell me that this was exposed to be the only safe place for a kid to go.


Do you mean supposed instead of exposed? Because right now it makes no sense.

Quote:
Now that I see what this is all about. I guess sometimes parents are wrong.


I think these sentences are supposed to be joined.

Quote:
But the worst part about it is no one will ever see me again.


What's the point of this sentence? I think the story would be better if you ditched this one, because it doesn't really make sense and doesn't read very well.

Quote:
I looked at the teenager who held it, I knew he was a junior, I knew his name.


I think you should put a full stop after it.

Quote:
Also we were friends at a point


Get rid of the also.

Quote:
as time grew we split our ways with different friends and interests.


I think you should say 'as time passed'. And also maybe change the last bit to 'went our seperate ways'.

Quote:
cant


can't

Quote:
Now I regret all those mistakes I made and it was now I was finally realizing what I have don’t and who it had hurt


This sentence doesn't make sense. Do you mean 'what I have done'?

Quote:
spiral down


Get rid of the down.



Overall, I like what you're saying, I just think it would use some work. As well as the little line things I've pointed out, ty to ut in more description. Where is he? Who is this boy? Who is he? Also, more emotion. What does it feel like to have a gun pointed at his head? Does he truly regret not staying friends with this boy? Is he scared, angry, shocked?

PM me if you need me to clear anything up of edit this.

Good luck!

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This thread was created on May 16, 2008

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