Topic ID: 30300
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El-lyncho
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: Broken Monotones |
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Waking to silence,
the dim light cascading over my room,
casting a flickering shadow of feathery clouds
I tiptoe down,
out into the bleak wilds of the sleepy world,
intrigued by the moonless grey sky,
motionless in the oncoming day
A cacophony of rustling leaves,
swirling around me in a crescendo of greys and faded greens,
lifting up the sun to a breathless audience of echoed thoughts;
the bright, unseen lover of life,
forgotten by all, so unaware,
The world wakes bleary eyed,
to another day of drizzle and dull skies,
oblivious to my perception,
and the flashing colour,
hidden in plain sight |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good. I like how you described a forgotten someone.
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The world wakes bleary eyed,
to another day of drizzle and dull skies,
oblivious to my perception,
and the flashing colour,
hidden in plain sight |
This stanza is really good. I really like that last line. "hidden in plain sight." Good work.
-Rick. |
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Mad
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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It was pretty good - some of the imagery was nice and the ending provided a good finish.
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swirling around me in a crescendo of greys and faded greens,
lifting up the sun to a breathless audience of echoed thoughts; |
Consider shortening these lines, they throw off the flow because they stick out, both rhythmically and visually. Though having said that, when I've read over them I'm not too sure. Hmm.
Also, I think you're missing a few full stops (at the end of some stanzas)
Content:
I think you might want to rethink the amount apportioned to the idea of, "the bright, unseen lover of life". You have a stanza and some lines leading to this conclusion and it's very briefly expressed (and somewhat vague though that may be a lack of awareness on my part).
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| A cacophony of rustling leaves, |
This seems somewhat paradoxical, a cacophony being loud and disharmonious sound whereas rustling leaves are simply a rather soft, unnoticeable sound.
In general it's a nicely descriptive piece and has an okay idea behind it (which I don't think is developed to its potential). Sometimes I think your trying to be too wordy and complex, when a simple description might be more effective. |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: Re: Broken Monotones |
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| El-lyncho wrote: |
Waking to silence,
the dim light cascading over my room,
casting a flickering shadow of feathery clouds You use too many present participles; make them active verbs.
I tiptoe down,
out into the bleak wilds of the sleepy world,
intrigued by the moonless grey sky, This is a passive. Turn it around.
motionless in the oncoming day Needs a full stop!
A cacophony of rustling leaves, This is nice.
swirling around me in a crescendo of greys and faded greens,
lifting up the sun to a breathless audience of echoed thoughts; Again, too many present participles
the bright, unseen lover of life,
forgotten by all, so unaware, Should be a semi-colon or a full stop!
The world wakes bleary eyed, I like this image.
to another day of drizzle and dull skies, Good alliteration here.
oblivious to my perception,
and the flashing colour,
hidden in plain sight ARGH! Needs a full stop! |
This was a decent poem with some original, fresh ideas. However, there's far too much telling. Instead of relying on third person physical description, SHOW the story from the speaker's viewpoint. Give us his/her response to their environment; make use of sensory images. Good attempt. 6/10
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Shasta
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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| All in all, i liked this poem. For some reason, the line "casting a flickering shadow of feathery clouds" disrupted the poem a little for me. I'm also not sure that it really adds anything to the poem when you describe your actions so definitely. "I tiptoe down" came a little too quickly after "waking in silence" compared with the rest of the poem for my taste in flow. You obviously actually tried to write something that meant something, something that could show and describe things that are hard to share any other way. And I'll read that any day. |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: |
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You've some very interesting and amazing poetry, and the simplicity, you make it worthwhile, while others choose more personal, you rather go with nature. The beauty the wonderful and invigorating feeling gained from it. I've no real problem with this.
Overall: This earns a star.
Good luck
VSN |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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First of all, welcome to YWS. I really love your style in writing, its really beautiful and serene. Sometimes people think that you have to rhyme just to make the poem speak but even if to some people it would have no sound because these are just words of pure beauty instead of uniformity I think that like the streams in this world they flow with essence of life. Keep writing,
Angel |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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That's lovely! I really have no critique. ^_^ I loved your imagery and word choice. You really captured the serenity of witnessing the birth of a new day, that way you feel just after waking up when you're just barely aware of the world.
Sorry if you were looking for harsh criticism. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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This really is very good. Why doesn't it have anymore stars?
You have potiental. Where have you been all my life? I loved this! It's got me all excited. The poem isn't perfect, but since when have we liked perfect people? Maybe add some punctuation, let it flow a little more smoothly with revision.
*Clicks star
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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