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Icaruss
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:01 am Post subject: Just Like Bobby Zimmerman's Blues |
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I cannot explain the situation you've placed me in,
Like, seriously, baby, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I just look around and see the things you've left behind,
and it hurts so bad to know that you don't even mind.
It started out as a joke and then you touched me, with a poke,
We were fooling around when your brother came in for a smoke.
Then he pointed and laughed at me, I was paler than a drum.
What was that song, baby, tell me, that you hummed?
It happened long ago, back when we met for the very first time,
I was posing as a singer, and my girlfriend was a mime.
And you read Rimbaud and listened to Bob Dylan songs,
But what really got me, honey, is that you wore a thong.
The mime, she complained but there was nothing she could do
I told you that I loved you and you told me: "Boo-hoo".
It was horrible, really, I've never been so thoroughly mocked,
And maybe that's the reason I punched instead of talked.
Now the cars are heavy and the planes they boom above,
I'm a traveller, a gambler, a drunkard and a dove.
I haven't thought about you for a long time, that's the truth,
I've had many lovers too, one of whom was named Ruth.
But there was an incident that happened not two days ago,
I was looking for some ciggarettes, my roomate said: "Let's go!"
And I tried to move around but I found myself on a tight spot,
my shoe laces were all tied up in a knot.
I know it seems silly but I fell down on the ground,
My roomate sighed: my mind, he thought, it's not sound.
And as I laid there on the floor, your body reappeared in my mind,
all bright and shiny, and with a really nice behind.
This song/these words/this poem, I dedicate to you,
I bought you some new lipstick, the colour, it is blue.
Now you have something to put on when we kiss,
believe me, honey, the next time I won't miss.
Oh, if this was a song, the solo would be right here,
I do know that's not possible, these words you just can't hear.
So I'll just type them really loudly, and maybe then they'll hurt some more,
because frankly, my love, you really are just a whore. |
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All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man?
Last edited by Icaruss on Mon May 19, 2008 5:25 am; edited 7 times in total |
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Snoink
Snuggly
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:08 am Post subject: |
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Quick typo alert!
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| all bright and shiny, and a with really nice behind |
^ should be:
all bright and shiny, and with a really nice behind
This is a weird poem. I must reread it again, at a better hour and hopefully then I'll be able to give a better, more thoughtful comment. ^_^ |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest.
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Country: Peru.
354 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:17 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah, I know it's really weird. I'd never really written a poem before and I just vomited it straight to the post, singing the words for the melody of "Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues" by Bob Dylan who I've been listening to a lot lately, which would explain the scornfulness of the lyrics and the title. It's for Cal's Romance Table of Doom Contest. I actually like it quite a lot, despite the surrealness and the hatred. I think it's funny, but what the heck do I know. |
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All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, when I first read I was thinking navelgazing, but you involved us and I found I couldn't hate this poem. It was so beautiful and well written. It's very well done. But in my opinion you should make this prose, you've enough information to use. I can't say much more, I wish I could.
Overall: I din't like it much, but I see that it has some ingeniuty.
Good luck
VSN |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay. I didn't get it. To me it was basically a guy and his skanky girlfriend. I really can't review this. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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XD This is quite the troubled rock star's hymn, isn't it? Well I like your work on a whole and I liked this. The stuff I'm writing at the moment could be compared to the speaker's ideas and values, so I guess I'm more switched on to the idea than some of the other reviewers. It's, in places, surprisingly seamless and the rhyme works well. I don't have much else to say other than you gave a good account and I as a reader felt let in.
Very Bob Dylan as well.
Eimear |
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sabradan
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Need chord progression/tablature/notes to give a full critique (for songs I like to play the music as well, to see how well the words mesh with the music) |
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Love2act4ever
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey it's you again.
I just seem to love your work. Everything you write seems to be so modern. I keep throwing that term out, but you have such originality in it and personality that strikes out and hits the reader. Well done!
I really liked this line,
Now the cars are heavy and the planes they boom above,
I'm a traveller, a gambler, a drunkard and a dove.
(Traveller should be traveler)
Other then the error, which at first I did not recognize, I really loved this piece. Good Job. |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Conceptually I applaud you. It's unique, organic, and refreshing to read something a bit more original.
They way you constructed it I wasn't a fan of. It felt as if you had the rhymes in your head before you knew what you wanted to say. The rhymes hindered the poem instead of giving it more flow (a trap I have fell into more than once). Your rhythm really fell off in the second stanza too.
| Quote: |
It started out as a joke and then you touched me, with a poke,
We were fooling around when your brother came in for a smoke.
Then he pointed and laughed at me, I was paler than a drum.
What was that song, baby, tell me, that you hummed? |
I'm referring to the first line in particular, too many syllables. That "with a poke" tag is unnecessary. You should end that line with joke.
I'm rambling now, happy editing. |
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Lynlyn
the ocean is full of water
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: Re: Just Like Bobby Zimmerman's Blues |
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Yeah, Zimmy! \m/ Rock on.
There are a lot of things I like about this poem, but the main thing that's dragging it down is that a lot of the rhymes seem like weird cop-outs.
| Quote: |
with a poke,
for a smoke. |
I don't know, I just don't think of "poke" as a very bluesy word.
| Quote: |
| I was posing as a singer, and my girlfriend was a mime. |
Add "mime" to that list, too.
| Quote: |
And you read Rimbaud and listened to Bob Dylan songs,
But what really got me, honey, is that you wore a thong. |
I don't know... this part is just really awkward to me. It's almost a slant rhyme to begin with, since "songs" has the s on the end, and then it sort of just sounds like you wanted to use the word thong.  If it's really supposed to be there, convince me.
| Quote: |
This song/these words/this poem, I dedicate to you,
I bought you some new lipstick, the colour, it is blue. |
I am okay with the blue lipstick, seeing as this is a "blues" song, but the "the colour, it is blue" inversion kind of itches at me. How about something like "new lipstick, the deepest shade of blue" or something similar, just to keep the line going wiithout breaking it up?
Again, this poetry isn't really my style, but I bet it could go a lot of places. Do you write music at all? I wonder what this would sound like set to a melody. |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed it, not so much for any dazzling literary merit, but more for the sheer audacity of this. It flaunts a lot of the pretentiousness and sentimentality that we always seem to see in these types of things. Tell it like it is, and it's interesting at least...
... but not something to write home about. You're treading on the border, but really great lyricism eludes this work. There were some lines that made me cringe, and those need to be fixed. Secondly, there's something deeper your can pull out of this one - but not lose the rough tone - which would really make this a classic.
I've put in my versions of some of the more awkward lines. I still think you could throw in a bit more poetry though. Think about it.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
I cannot explain the situation you've placed me in,
Like, seriously, baby, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
I just look around and see the things you've left behind,
and it hurts so bad to know that you don't even mind.
It started out as a joke and then you touched me, with gave me a poke,
We were fooling around when your brother came in for a smoke.
Then he pointed and laughed at me, I was paler than a drum.
What was that song, baby, tell me, that you hummed?
It happened long ago, back when we met for the very first time,
I was posing as a singer, and my girlfriend was a mime. *
Couple of suggestions for this one:
- I was posing as a verse, and my girlfriend was the rhyme
- I was posing as a singer, crooning for a dime
I just hate the "mime" point.
And you read Rimbaud and listened to Bob Dylan songs,
But what really got me, honey, is that you wore a thong.
The mime, she complained but there was nothing she could do
I told you that I loved you and you told me: "Boo-hoo".
It was horrible, really, I've never been so thoroughly mocked,
And maybe that's the reason I punched instead of talked.
Now the cars are heavy and the planes they boom above,
I'm a traveller, a gambler, a drunkard and a dove.
I haven't thought about you for a long time, that's the truth,
I've had many lovers too, one of whom was named Ruth.
Not even through the haze as I downed my Vermouth
But there was an incident that happened not two days ago,
I was looking for some ciggarettes, my roomate said: "Let's go!"
And I tried to move around but I found myself on a tight spot, I was under the weather
my shoe laces were all tied up in a knot. My shoes were all tangled together
I know it seems silly but I fell down on the ground,
My roomate sighed: my mind, he thought, it's not sound. I know he thought my mind wasn't sound
And as I laid there on the floor, your body reappeared in my mind, A vision of your body came past
all bright and shiny, and with a really nice behind. duh.
This song/these words/this poem, I dedicate to you,
I bought you some new lipstick, the colour, it is blue.My, how the time seems to pass
Now you have something I've got some lipstick for you to put on when we kiss,
believe me, honey, the next time I won't miss.
Oh, if this was a song, the solo would be right here,
I do know that's not possible, these words you just can't hear.
So I'll just type them really loudly, and maybe then they'll hurt some more,
because frankly, my love, you really are just a whore. I love this line.
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