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ink_on_fire
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: lustrous mortal |
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This is a new style for me, so please critique. There is something missing and I am hoping someone will be able to show me. Commas were, for the main part, left out intentionally by the way. =)
the sky protrudes crimson glances at my hindered feet
my soles grinding hate against the barren dust
skeletal is my mouth, withdrawn from the closeness of my bones
and fickleness of hearing converges with weakness
as the new moon will rise with the old
stability of mind, credibility gouged beyond hope
my suffocation within this putrefying plasma
sinking down, cutting detours past forsaken carcasses
so lustrous was my mortal soul in the age of the future
that retribution sung with no voice
jugulated and raped, graced and scathed, reduced to a mad dreamer
the passage that fear assured would blot out my rhythmic continuance of heartbeats
heaves and pulls the tsunamis heaped upon my sodden pink flesh
glazed pupils seeking for fleeing breath, I trawl them close
and still we fight.
ink skidded along irreplaceable pieces of fabricated bark
futile in all their worth
submersed beneath the silhouettes of disclosure
are strings whispering for an ear
quivering are my hands
and silty are my swollen eyes
converting shattering letters to abstract terrors
wings flow over desiccated wonders
numbed muscle, terminated mind
are they that struggle on with me.
but should I revel with you? so swiftly you call me friend?
what’s encrusted on my soul, molten between metal and blood?
gaunt quarry am I for you and your wolves
see them dance and lick the devils paws
my extremities flung away from me
sloping down, they roll away my soul
possessing myself, chemicals in love stroll down my throat
my heave for air caresses my soul
and still I live another day.
as the souls played with water unbeknownst in their dying seconds
answers unfound washed them away
their illiteracy beckoning for my hands
my knuckles sliding into a half moon
denying the death scent upon which they lay
fracturing atoms are my knees as I kneel
dry grief gesturing towards the non-existent truth
meekness - my velocity, survival - my life
denounce your pain, fearless lord
say those that fight with me.
cobalt blue will laughter never rip through
but seasons of my future stench
resist them if you can. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:57 am Post subject: |
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Wow it's very verbose, but rather than help here, it has a detrimental and killing effect. For in this jungle of imagery and metaphors, people leave with a headache and confusion. What you need to remember is even though imagery helps, too much will fling too much images, whereas if you used fewer we'd had seen this. Just remember not all amazing poetry was made from wonderful imagery, or abstract metaphors. One of my fave poems by Something Milton uses barely any but still love it, as even though it's a story, you see it.
Overall: This peice just screams, I know all these words. Remember in most cases less is more. Try and crash through this jungle and make the meaning more clear.
Good luck
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ink_on_fire
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:58 am Post subject: |
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mm, you have a point. Thanks
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Mad
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 11:52 am Post subject: |
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I agree with what Vernon said.
Consider narrowing your focus here - you seem to be saying so much about so many things that, well, I get lost in what it is that you're trying to say. Poetry isn't so much about using all the best words you know, it's about using some of them to the best effect.
You have some nice descriptions but its all in amongst so much else I find it hard to notice or appreciate them.
I can't really comment to further on much else, I haven't really read to many poems which utilize this sort of form, so I wouldn't no what to say really. |
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