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This thread was created on May 17, 2008
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Topic ID: 30341
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laughingfreakx3
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Dec 2007
Posts: 32
Reviews: 15
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject: A simple Song |
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A simple song
repeats in my head
over, again, once more
the right words sound
as if they were wrong
but sound so sweet.
Just that simple tune
fills the heart
with a melondy so soft
the words slip out of
my mouth
repeat
as if I were a broken record
That simple rythem
smooths the soul
but written long ago
my heart chanced
as my head danced
to the beat
over and over
like a CD player
plays my simple rythem
A simple beat
to repeat
will fly in again
a song with a beat
of a ping pong
click, clank, clunck
to sing again
my heart will stay with the rythem
but my head will wonder
A simple song
repeats in my head
over, again, once more |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 144
Country: Under the stars of another sun
1723 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:10 pm Post subject: Re: A simple Song |
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| Quote: |
A simple song
repeats in my head
over, again, once more
the right words sound
as if they were wrong
but sound so sweet. |
You repeat sound twice here. It feels awkward when you say: the right words sound as ig they were wrong but sound so sweet. Maybe instead you can say: The right words sound bittersweet...(add another sentence)
| Quote: |
Just that simple tune
fills the heart
with a melondy so soft
the words slip out of
my mouth |
I think it would be more powerful if you would say word instead of words. By saying that it sounds as if you are saying repeat, which makes sense and definitley adds to the poem
| Quote: |
That simple rythem
smooths the soul
but written long ago
my heart chanced
as my head danced
to the beat
over and over
like a CD player
plays my simple rythem |
-- you repeate simple rythm, try to find another way to phrase it I suggest taking out the last three lines It would read a little better like this: That simple rythm smooths the sould, but written long again when my heart chanced as my head danced to the beat.
I loved it! It was wonderful. I felt myself want to repeat songs too  . Just a couple of suggestions:
1) Since you are talking about repeating the song and I really really loved how you had the one line that just said "repeat" I think you should repeat that one line "repeat" throughout the whole poem like a refrain in between the stanzas. Also try not to repeat to many of your words because the stanzas get repetitive. Delve into your feelings. Talk about your heart. Maybe the song reminds you of a lost love or something.
Other than that, well done! I loved it! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just want critiques. |
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| This thread was created on May 17, 2008 |
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