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Writing for love is a pas
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: Particle of him... |
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She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
She never wore make-up before,
she never looked like a whore.
She had never cut her hair,
to make sure that he was always there.
Her friends cry for her to stop.
They plead and they yell.
They tell her to change her path,
or he would take her striaght to Hell.
She wouldn't listen.
She was head strong.
She was nothing but a childly fool.
Only she did know what was wrong.
He didn't make feel her special anymore.
She cried on her bed at night,
staring at the door.
Then she hears a fateful knock.
Then she sees the devils sight.
He was there.
All sweet talk.
Trying to convince her she was wrong.
About him not loving her,
wanting the best for her,
and she thought he ment it.
That was until he hit his final hit.
After he had done his dirty deed,
he smacked her to the ground.
Her friends watched helplessly,
as he beat her without a sound.
That girl is still alive today,
but she is not a beauty.
She does not laugh, but only cry,
She watches helplessly,
as the angles tears fall from the sky,
pitying her life.
Hoping that other young girls will know what is right. |
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Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Mon May 19, 2008 8:47 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
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1723 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: Re: Particle of him... |
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Her friends told her to let him go,
they told her she had a life.
They told her that he didn't deserve her greatness,
but she only got depressed: |
This feels a little awkward. Here's a few suggestions: Her friends told her to let him go, They wanted her to live, She ignored their warnings, Believing jealousy caused them to fib.
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Then she didn't have a life.
She was gone.
He seduced her to lose her innocence.
He persuaded her that this was right. |
-- this again feels awkward.Here's another way you can word it: She lost herself, Past girl she was no more, He took away her innocence, She knew not who to be.
Wow this was a very powerful and emotional poem! I loved it. It flowed very well and you definitley got the point across. It was beautifully written. The two stanzas I pointed out did seem awkward. I put suggestions that you don't have to use but you can use them if you want. It's just a way to get you thinking about writing those two parts differently. Other than that Well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions or just want me to critique something, PM me  |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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315 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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This reads very stilted. The overuse of 'she' brings down a well written piece.
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She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
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Whoa. Ok, we get it. Try not to shove it down our throats. Otherwise, good repitition (just don't kill it) to start the poem.
I'm engaged...It had me thinking, what's going to happen next?
You told the rest of the story well, but the ryhme constricts it.
So-good, but it's a shame about the rhyme. Try and take my comments on board.
Hope this helps, best wishes,
Eimear |
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October Girl
All the Scars Spell Out Your Name...
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53 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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This poem is ok, but it could be improved on, sorry dear. But this is just the truth. I'm suck in the middle of do I like it, or do I hate it? Make the reader love it! Make them feel like they could do something about it. I had no idea what to feel from mthis poem, anger? Freedom? What a guy could do to a girl? There has to be emotion. But sorry to say I just don't feel it here.
Hopefully this wasn't harsh
your friend as always
-Max |
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tensazangetsu329
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: Nice...Depressing |
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Well, I'm guessing that this is a love story about a girl who gets used then abused. Depressing.
However, nice use of situations. It seems that, it could happen. |
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panic at the rodeo
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the idea of the poem, but there is something a little akward about the lines that makes it a two read poem, where you don't really get the feel for it until the second time around... It's a sad poem and there's a lot of emotion being channeled here... try and find some more powerful words for it and it would be a VERY beautiful poem... maybe you could go through and do some rewording... make things a little less repetitive? |
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