Topic ID: 30348
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shadowstorm
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: Scattered, Shattered, and Whole |
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I'm sorry I hurt you,
But I don't regret it.
I feel like a fool,
But know I'm just torn;
I feel like I've broken
Wordless oaths sworn
To myself,
To you,
To love.
But I know I'm just
Human,
And to be human
Is to die.
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Just a quick expression I needed to let out, not much effort behind it, just instinct. Please tell me what you think. |
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October Girl
UNTIL THE DAY I DIE
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240 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, what to say? This poem was actually pretty good. As you said you needed to just get this out and let it be heard, and I heard you loud and clear. The title was wounderful it dragged me in, but I think maybe you could expand this just a little.  I want to know more, what's going on here? Who are you talking about? Is there a good story behind it?
If you have any questions feel free to PM me
-Max |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, a lot of different phliosophical ideas co-exsisting in one poem. I actually needed to read it a few times to make sense of it. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Hmm.
The start just isn't gripping enough:
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I'm sorry I hurt you,
But I don't regret it. |
I would re-order this. It's a bit underwhelming. What about a simplier:
I'm sorry that I hurt you,
but I don't regret a thing.
Just an idea, feel free to ignore.
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| But know I'm just torn; |
Should this be like this?
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| But now I'm just torn; |
Other than that- I think you should re-order this into stansas. Maybe, or maybe just expand some of the ideas and eloborate on the piece. Otherwise I think this has potiental. Good luck.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear xx |
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Livinginfantasy
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957 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Nice ending, but your intro wasn't strong and is overused.
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| Just a quick expression I needed to let out, not much effort behind it, just instinct. Please tell me what you think. |
With that said, it think it's pretty good. A diamond in the rough you could say. It needs some polishing up (more emotion, more content) and I guarantee that this will be really nice.
Good Luck! 
P.S I like the title! |
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Mad
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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It's nicely simple and what's said is nicely expressed but well, is much being said?
It comes across as a simple retelling. I hurt you, I don't regret it, I've broken oaths and it isn't too much more elaborate than that - you have some nice line breaks that make it sound good but there doesn't appear to be much depth.
Take for an instant Fire and Ice by Robert Frost,
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_and_Ice_(poem)[/url]
It's simple and similar to this doesn't because it doesn't offer too much in terms of description (doesn't really state events that lead to these thoughts etc.) But what really caps it off is the ending. Forget my previous comments if you feel this is a style you want to use and it suits your purpose but you need to provide a better ending. This one is too easily stated - Sorry let me explain exactly what I mean.
While it is powerful and emotive, the knowledge of impending, unstoppable death is a very potent message; however its said how everyone else would think it. "I'm human, I'm going to die". We know it and if we chose to express it, that's how we would.
What you need to find is an ending that is similarly powerful but clever in it's expression so that it captures more fluently the thought - something that people will want to think because it is the best way of expressing this thought.
I know that's a rather hard thing to aim for and perhaps I'm being a pedant but it's something worth aspiring to. It's not bad, fix the ending so it links up and it'll be better. |
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