Topic ID: 30344
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Writing for love is a pas
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 223 Reviews: 75 Country: none ya (US) 197 Points
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Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: Particle of him... |
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She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
She never wore make-up before,
she never looked like a whore.
She had never cut her hair,
to make sure that he was always there.
Her friends cry for her to stop.
They plead and they yell.
They tell her to change her path,
or he would take her striaght to Hell.
She wouldn't listen.
She was head strong.
She was nothing but a childly fool.
Only she did know what was wrong.
He didn't make feel her special anymore.
She cried on her bed at night,
staring at the door.
Then she hears a fateful knock.
Then she sees the devils sight.
He was there.
All sweet talk.
Trying to convince her she was wrong.
About him not loving her,
wanting the best for her,
and she thought he ment it.
That was until he hit his final hit.
After he had done his dirty deed,
he smacked her to the ground.
Her friends watched helplessly,
as he beat her without a sound.
That girl is still alive today,
but she is not a beauty.
She does not laugh, but only cry,
She watches helplessly,
as the angles tears fall from the sky,
pitying her life.
Hoping that other young girls will know what is right. |
_________________ Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again.
Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Mon May 19, 2008 8:47 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 03 May 2008 Posts: 268 Reviews: 145 Country: Under the stars of another sun 317 Points
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Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject: Re: Particle of him... |
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Her friends told her to let him go,
they told her she had a life.
They told her that he didn't deserve her greatness,
but she only got depressed: |
This feels a little awkward. Here's a few suggestions: Her friends told her to let him go, They wanted her to live, She ignored their warnings, Believing jealousy caused them to fib.
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Then she didn't have a life.
She was gone.
He seduced her to lose her innocence.
He persuaded her that this was right. |
-- this again feels awkward.Here's another way you can word it: She lost herself, Past girl she was no more, He took away her innocence, She knew not who to be.
Wow this was a very powerful and emotional poem! I loved it. It flowed very well and you definitley got the point across. It was beautifully written. The two stanzas I pointed out did seem awkward. I put suggestions that you don't have to use but you can use them if you want. It's just a way to get you thinking about writing those two parts differently. Other than that Well done! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions or just want me to critique something, PM me  |
_________________ "Nous sommes tout deux victime. De ce doux jeu d'amants." -- Ce Jeu par Yelle
Want to enter a spiffy contest run by yours truly? Enter Here or how about This One?
Want a truly amazing critique? PM me!!
Got YWS? |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 642 Reviews: 313 Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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This reads very stilted. The overuse of 'she' brings down a well written piece.
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She was a great beauty,
she was alive.
She was human,
she laughed and she cried.
Then came he.
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Whoa. Ok, we get it. Try not to shove it down our throats. Otherwise, good repitition (just don't kill it) to start the poem.
I'm engaged...It had me thinking, what's going to happen next?
You told the rest of the story well, but the ryhme constricts it.
So-good, but it's a shame about the rhyme. Try and take my comments on board.
Hope this helps, best wishes,
Eimear |
_________________ We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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October Girl
FOREVER we'll be... you && me Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 23 Sep 2006 Posts: 1736 Reviews: 169 Country: Where Love is Lost 332 Points
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Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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This poem is ok, but it could be improved on, sorry dear. But this is just the truth. I'm suck in the middle of do I like it, or do I hate it? Make the reader love it! Make them feel like they could do something about it. I had no idea what to feel from mthis poem, anger? Freedom? What a guy could do to a girl? There has to be emotion. But sorry to say I just don't feel it here.
Hopefully this wasn't harsh
your friend as always
-Max |
_________________ (Run baby run)
Don't ever look back... they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance... don't tell you friends don't say we're not meant to be! (run baby run) FOREVER we'll be... you && me...-We the kings |
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tensazangetsu329
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 27 Reviews: 8 Country: United States of America 300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: Nice...Depressing |
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Well, I'm guessing that this is a love story about a girl who gets used then abused. Depressing.
However, nice use of situations. It seems that, it could happen. |
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panic at the rodeo
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 May 2008 Posts: 49 Reviews: 10
300 Points
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Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the idea of the poem, but there is something a little akward about the lines that makes it a two read poem, where you don't really get the feel for it until the second time around... It's a sad poem and there's a lot of emotion being channeled here... try and find some more powerful words for it and it would be a VERY beautiful poem... maybe you could go through and do some rewording... make things a little less repetitive? |
_________________ Live life the right way:
JUMP IN MUD PUDDLES!!! |
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