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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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 Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:29 pm Post subject: Lake |
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Lake
How many times
did we both
sit and stare out to space,
wonder at
the myriad secrets
the water might
conceal
here?
How many times
did we both
strip off and dive
into the depths,
blindly battling for the
other side, laughing,
joking, splashing each other
here?
How many times
did we both
feel so safe,
safe from the world's
suffocating distractions,
with only
the stars for company,
here?
Now it is no longer
a sanctuary,
but
a wasteland
here. |
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mandy92
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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| sit and stare out to space, |
I'm not very good with poetry, but shouldn't this be:
"sit and stare out into space,"
Or maybe:
"sit and stare into space,"
I don't really know, but one of these two would probably fit better. They sure do sound better to me. But really I love this. It's really awesome, the way you desribed some things in it. I really wish that I could write petry like this.  I am so jealous right now. |
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Thriving Fire
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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God I love this...
For one thing, the atmosphere is almost tangible. I really get the sense of two people in love (or perhaps just friends?), spending their days merrily in each other's company, only for it to be torn apart. What's particularly good is that your poetic language says it better than I ever could 
To be perfectly honest, I can't think of anything more complimentary to say. I could rave and rave, but I think it's best left at this: your poem hit me somewhere. The minute I read it, I went 'oh.' That sort of emotional impact is exactly the goal in lyric poetry; a connection. And that's what your's did for me.
Only one small thing I didn't like: the 'here' punchline. Read aloud it sounds okay, but my first impression was that it was an unnesseccary gimmick, and I'm still not sure. Basically, I think the poem would function well without it.
But other than that, great work! |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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So I'm guessing that the 'Lake' is love or passion conceptualized into a physical thing- i.e plunging into the depths ect. It's good. Not anything to write home about but it has, dare I say it...'potiental.' The emotion and feeling is there. And that in my opinion is the main thing.
But you need to show more. Flesh out the imagery. I'll be able to see things clearer and therefore get more from the poem.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Interesting interpretation; hadn't thought of that! Thank you! |
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electrictoast27
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I like this poem a lot! It is certainly a longing for things to be as they were in the past. Reflecting on the past always makes for good poetry. I liked the structure a lot, it certainly made your point very clear. As in most poems, although you created great images of the lake and the other things mentioned, it most certainly is not about 'just a lake'. And being able to communicate that flawlessly is the best part of poetry. I'm sure it could have been longer, to extend the metaphor and such, but for the purpose you wanted it to serve, it was completely appropriate. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: |
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A lovely, wistful poem, beautiful in its simplicity. I thought the repetition might get tedious, but you didn't overdo it and changed the structure in the last stanza, so it was actually very effective. As Eimear suggested, you may want to flesh out the imagery a bit more, make it more vivid. Did your bare feet squelch in the mud of the banks? Was the water clear? Murky? Cold? Tepid? I love the idea behind this and your phrasing is beautiful ( I especially love "suffocating distractions") but I think if you went a little further with the imagery it could do wonders for this poem.
Keep writing! ^_^ |
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