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Loose
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: To Whisper Your Name |
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Edited!
Prologue.
The sky was dark, lined heavily with thick, black clouds that cried out thin, cold droplets. The world below became victimised by the downpour. A flame of auburn hair was no exception. The once bright, shoulder length locks were dulled to an ugly grey by the saturation. Water rolled along the soft ridges of the face beneath the mat of hair, whose eyes remained fixated on the insane swishing of the trees that lined the footpath. Her uniform clung to her like a child and the heavy bag on her back tugged at her shoulders. All she could feel was pain. Her back hurt from the weight. Her skin stung all over from the cold. A headache paraded around her skull like a madi gras. She tried to think of a way she could possibly get home without collapsing under the stress, but she saw no hope. If only she had brought her umbrella. Slowly pressing her Colorado school shoes into a shallow pool nestled in a crack in the pavement, she began her trek. From behind her, a soft, familiar voice chimed out her name. The rain stopped falling on her head. She looked up only to notice there was a plain, black umbrella being held above her. She turned to see who had been so compassionate. Her eyes widened with surprise when she noticed who it was, and her heart skipped a beat...
-I've had a brain wave and have decided to re-write this story in 1st person. The first few chapters may set it up as cliche, but I plan to turn it around entirely. Bare with me here. |
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Last edited by Loose on Mon May 26, 2008 8:18 am; edited 3 times in total |
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bear
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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Wee! I'm the first to critique this. Call me petty, but I like being the first. I'm always afraid someone will have said everything I've said and there will be no point. (Have I mentioned that Romance is my guilty pleasure? Yes? Good.)
Your last two paragraphs are squashed together. Separate them.
It has potential, but this bit isn't really enough to be hooking. In fact, as a beginning to a romance, it is rather cliche, and a cliche I've been noticing a lot here. Of course she's in a classroom, and of course the teachers is pure evil.
If this is the only beginning, which I don't think it is, you could get it to work. But be really careful.
Why does everyone hate history? (just a thought passing by.)
Also, you switched viewpoints in the last paragraph, from Nicole Third Person to an omniscient narrator. The change is sudden and jolting. My suggestion - choose a viewpoint and stick with it. If you need the omniscient, go with that. You can pretty much go into anyone's head at any time, and you can tell everything that needs to be told that the main character doesn't know, but it really is a different kind of story telling. It holds characters farther away from you. You can't get into the characters head as much as you did with Nicole in this bit.
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| Nicole's azure orbs looked away from the middle-aged woman and toward the window. |
Azure orbs? I think it would have been better if you just said blue eyes. (Which every romance protagonist has, by the way.) But anyway, Azure orbs is bordering on purple and silly. You're deep in Nicole's head. Would she really tell her story like that, if she could?
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| Although she was doing well in History, she didn't enjoy it. There was no passion, no flair. She wasn't interested in the past. Drama, now that was a lesson that revved her engine. Standing on the stage in the Assembly Hall, lights blinding her making it impossible for her to see past her nose. Lines running through her mind as she was prompted by her fellow Drama students. That was what she enjoyed. Not the bloody Bolsheviks. |
Will this be important? I hope so, since it's all exposition. However, what it did do was make your main character a little more human, which was nice.
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| her being the dits she was |
You mean, "She being the ditz she was." Also, Ditz is spelled with a z.
They had videos in the 20s? Perhaps you should just check.
So, as I said, it has potential.
Also, the cliches I mentioned. It's not just you (of course.) I've been noticing these things a lot here, and this is me blathering on about it.
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TNCowgirl
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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I know it sucks! Shut up!
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Acctually it doesn't suck at all. Don't assume that and put it there. Anyways,
It was pretty good, there wasn't really anything I caught. Course it's early and I'm half asleep. But still, there wasn't anything that I saw. SO it was pretty good. Don't underrate yourself, you won't be able to keep writing if you do.
TNC
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Loose
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 6:36 am Post subject: |
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| They had videos in the 20s? Perhaps you should just check. |
Yes, they did. The things you learn doing History.
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 10:12 am Post subject: |
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Hey Loose,
this was wonderful. You've drawn a beautiful picture; an outside view on the scene and so I can see this working as a prologue very well.
View
The thing I find fascinating about this piece is the viewpoint of the reader. You start off describing the clouds, so the reader kind of starts off somewhere up there. With the thin cold droplets victimizing the world beneath you have the reader look down. With the hair you had me
floating somewhere behind your MC and then walk a few feet behind her, catching up to be right next to her, but never nside her head.
Amazing how you managed to do this within your first five sentences.
Wording
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| and her tummy started to flutter... |
I try to dispose of tummy. In my ears it is more a word smaller children would use and doesn't match with the grey colors of the scene.
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| The world below became victimised by the downpour. A flame of auburn hair was no exception. |
Wonderful contrast between the rain and the flame of hair.
I'm sorry I don't have all that much constructive criticism, but I hope this little bit helped and you continue rewriting this soon!
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day tripper
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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Well, this was very good.
The detail was purely amazing
and even though it was a little
short, I loved all of it.
I would just say that instead of
tummy, use something else.
'Tummy' sounds like a little girl
playing in the rain.
Also, maybe add a description of
her face when she see's the person.
All in all, it was good.
Spacing out needs some work too,
but the words themselves were just
amazing. I cant get over it.
Good job!
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Stella here!
Okay, this seems a good beginning, but I have some points.
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| The sky was dark, lined heavily with thick, black clouds that cried out thin, cold droplets |
I would leave out the "out". Cried out gives the impression of noise...
-Auburn hair can't be dulled to grey. It doesn't work. Perhaps change grey to brown? Mousy brown I suppose you could say. But not grey. It doesn't work.
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| A headache paraded around her skull like a madi gras. |
That should be mardi gras. Also, I'm no sure if it should be capitalized or not. And maybe it would sound better as "like mardi gras".
Also, I agree with others about the word "tummy". It's very little-girlish, not corresponding to the tone of the rest of the piece.
Apart from that, I enjoyed it! It was a good beginning!
PM me if you have any questions!
Stella x
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lhighton
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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Very well-written, I must say! I think you've really set the mood with this - it is very mature-sounding, not to mention subtle and poetic.
Question is, can you keep it up? I hope so...
Will be a dedicated reader from now on onwards 
Lauren
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fallenangel
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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Fabulous job!
I really enjoyed reading that, except for one little tiny thing...
[quote] She turned to see who had been so compassionate. Her eyes widened with surprise when she noticed who it was, and her tummy started to flutter...
You've written such a beautiful beginning, the imagery is fabulous, everything is organized and well-written... but the very last sentence really caught me off-guard; I have to be honest. The style of writing you're using here doesn't seem to fit with that last little bit. The character you've described so far doesn't seem to fit with the word 'tummy,' it's informal and kind of random actually...but then again, perhaps you've got more in store for the character...
Great job though! I really liked it, I hope you continue to write it!
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Loose
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 8:20 am Post subject: |
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| Sorry about the tummy sentence. I've changed it now. I was just in a hurry to get the last bit done that I let my speech take over my writing. I say "tummy" all the time. Hopefully the last sentence is better now.
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Bittersweet
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Eeeh! I have to know who that guy is now!
Anywhoo, you've definitely created a nice prologue. I always believe that a prologue should be at least one of these, depending on the novel ahead of it; descriptive, hooking, mysterious, thrilling, or confusing (in the good way). You got the first two, which is excellent. The last few sentences are very trapping, and those of us who absolutely fall for anything romance (hee hee), it draws us in immediately. I would really like to see how this turns out.
Holly
P.S. When you get into the chapters of the story, please, please stay away from cliche`. I've noticed people who write romance stories tend to do that...
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
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I really like this prologue. The details you put in it were amazing! I just saw a couple of mistakes:
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| lined heavily with thick, black clouds that cried out thin, cold droplets. |
maybe instead of saying "cried out thin, cold droplets", you could say "cried thin, cold droplets". Also, this is just a suggestion, but maybe the droplets could be thick if it's going to be a downpour, because that's usually how they are. And also:
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| A headache paraded around her skull like a madi gras. |
I like how you wrote this, but I only saw one spelling error. I think it's supposed to be mardi gras instead of madi gras. Oh, I also have a little fun fact for you. Did you know that Mardi Gras means 'Fat Tuesday' in French? Yep, I learned it in French class, imagine that! 
Other than that, you've got me hooked! Let me know when you've added more to it, okay?
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 1:45 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this prologue as well.
But, I must say that it was too short for my taste. I really would have loved to find out who this compassionate stranger is??
So, that means you have my attention.
One thing I might point out is that some of your comparisons were kind of different:
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| Her uniform clung to her like a child and the heavy bag on her back tugged at her shoulders. |
You said "her uniform clung to her like a child". Okay, I guess that kind of make sense, now that I reread it. But still, maybe try "it clung to her like a second skin" or something.
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| A headache paraded around her skull like a madi gras |
I liked this comparison, but it still put a strange picture in my head. I could see her, but then, I kept seeing a madi gras parade and it was just really confusing for me. Maybe try a different one here??
Otherwise, all your other details were brilliant!! 
PM me and I'll keep an eye out for more!
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