Topic ID: 32272
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Dustfinger
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 21
Country: Mallacabia, Mars
200 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: I hate you with all my hearts |
 |
|
********This is a song that 1deringatstars and I wrote. Hope you enjoy and feel free to review.  *************
________________________________________________________________________
Chorus
And I hate you with all my heart
Now theres an irony for you,
And I wish I could say we'd never part
But in the end we all knew. ***
Verse 1
That some things just weren't meant to be
Rolled away like a distance sea.
Will we ever be set free?
But I'm bound to you
and you to me.
Chorus ***
Verse 2
Yesterday when I heard your name
Didn't even make me feel the same.
Hand up the phone shut the blinds again;
Pretend I never knew you.
I thought a flower must wilt and join the dew
And so will you...
Chorus***
Verse 3
Had a dream that you went astray,
Found you back on the Milky Way.
The stars made the sky shine bright as day
Now our hearts are here to stay.
And I love you with all my heart
Now theres an irony for you.
Now I can say we'll never part
And in the end we both knew.
Verse 4
That some things were just meant to be
Rolled to us like a distance sea.
We will never be set free
I'm bound to you
and you to me.
Verse 5
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie,........(On the chorus melody) |
_________________
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace.
Last edited by Dustfinger on Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:24 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chorus *** Huh? What do you mean here? Don't you have a chorus or something?
And I hate you with all my heart
Now there's an irony for you,
And I wish I could say we'd never part
But inn the end we all knew.
So far I'm having a lot of trouble getting a tune to this, although I'm pretty sure you have one. I'm just not sure whether it's fast and rocky, or more of a slow beat. Perhaps some information at the beginning would make it a little easier?
That some things just weren't meant to be
Rolled away like a distance sea.
Will we ever be set free?
But I'm bound to you
and you to me.
Again, hard to put a tune to it. I really ned to know whether it's fast or slow, it would make this a lot better critique.
I won't do the rest because I need more information on the beat, because this song can go either way. I like what it's about, but critiquiing lyrics is hard enough even with a pretty distinct tune.
PM me when you've put some more info up, and I can help you out a bit more! |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
|
| Back to top |
|
horsez919
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I love your song!! But..with the other comment, I need to know the tune. To feel how the song moves and sounds I guess.
| Quote: |
That some things just weren't meant to be
Rolled away like a distance sea.
Will we ever be set free?
But I'm bound to you
and you to me. |
That part seems different from the others. It's a good one, but the syllable count[?] just keeps getting smaller and smaller...whereas there are about the same syllables in the other verses.
Overall, I liked reading through your song.  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
dacoozed
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 5
Country: Some where on planet Earth... I think
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 9:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
its a good song but usually put the chorus after like 2/3 verses because then it sounds better and the chorus must usually have the name of the song in it or all the verses must.
im just writing from experience, my friend critics my songs every time i write a new one so ive learnt some things on music from her
but the song is awesome ive got a small tune to it  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:48 am Post subject: wowzers |
|
|
This was really good! My only complaint is the coarse in the wrong place, but I still think the lyrics are amazing and flow really well!
I like the fact it is like the person hates the person at first, and then finds love, I think it almost tells a story, and I think it is really cool. |
_________________
Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
|
| Back to top |
|
Dustfinger
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 37
Reviews: 21
Country: Mallacabia, Mars
200 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey thanks everyone for the reviews. I will love to do all those things you suggested but I have to consult 1deringatstars before that. thanks again.
|
_________________
When the power of love is greater than the love of power, there will be peace. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sexy Sadie
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 37
Country: Liverpool, England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm curious to know what the tune to this song is. It was good, more pop than rock, right?
One mistake I noticed though:
In the chorus:
~Now theres an irony for you,~
theres should be there's, don't forget that apostrophe!
This was good though, no exactly the style I listen to, put I liked the words.
Good job!
-Sadie |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
-Save-Ferris-
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 192
Reviews: 112
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yeah I can't really tell what time of tune this'll have. I'm assuming some sort of rock , distorted guiatrs, but slow? I have no idea.
I saw where you were going trying to get the first chorus flowing in to the verse. Which can work, but normally have some line repitition and word change order. I know there's a song I know where it happens a few times but I can't quite remember what it was.
I also liked the story of it. It's like "This Is Home" by Switchfoot. He begins by talking about how he wants memories back, until eventually he realises he's come too far and he can't go back *has sudden urge to listen to Switchfoot* I do this a lot myself when writing lyrics. I end up coming to some sort of conclusion to the problem, generally without meaning it.
The "Lie, lie, lie, lie..." bit. I know what it can be like to try and force out a bridge. You want something powerful, so you end up just picking a word of two and repeating them. I just didn't feel that this fitted with the rest of the lyrics.
| Quote: |
Had a dream that you went astray,
Found you back on the Milky Way. |
Favourite line.
But yeah I really wanna know what this gonna fit too , because I'm nto even sure at the moment it is really suited to a male or female voice :/ |
_________________
“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.” |
|
| Back to top |
|
sheismorphing
Novice
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Aug 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey this is really good. I can almost hear it in my mind as I read.
What type of instrumentals do you see in accordance here? Are you interested in singing this song? If not, what type of voice do you see fit?
I think you could have a solo vocalist performing this. It has depth and is catchy without being cheesy. You should think about what you can do with your talent. Possibly submit some songs to any networking opportunities you may have?
Keep up the writing! and sing too!! |
_________________
The time is now. Thrive, care, motivate. Positivity moves the world. We are capable. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
