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Secrets of the Unfaithful {2}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {2}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 30, 2008
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Cockroaches and Condoms Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:05 am    Post subject: Cockroaches and Condoms Reply with quote

“Here, let me get that,” he murmured, pushing the door open. The girl poked her head in and wrinkled her nose.

“It’s dark.”

“That’s because there’s no light turned on. Wait a sec.” He shifted the bags more fully to his right arm and fumbled for the light. “It’s here somewhere, I know it is.”

“Well, hurry up, won’t you? I don’t like standing outside.”

“Then go inside.”

“But it’s dark.”

He sighed. “Will you hold the bags then?”

“No.”

He stared at her for a moment and then shrugged, setting the bags near the door. Blindly, he navigated the room, silently grateful that Nicole could not see him. There seemed to be no light switches anywhere, but, when he tripped on the bed, he knocked over a lamp.

“Marcus? Are you okay?” she said. He grunted.

“I think I found the lamp.”

“Ha, ha, very funny. Turn it on.”

“Wait a minute.” He grabbed the lamp and put it on the nightstand before turning the switch.

Light flooded the room.

Nicole blinked and looked around. At the very center, there was a bed with ragged sheets, and hovering over it was Marcus, who looked even more ragged. He smiled when he saw her.

“You look beautiful.”

She ignored him and stepped in. “I don’t like this place.”

Marcus shrugged. “It’s good enough. I don’t see any cockroaches yet. And the bed looks comfy enough, right? And, if that doesn’t suit our purposes, we can always do it in the shower.”

“I’m leaving.”

“No, wait, stop!” he cried, rushing to her side. “Please, I didn’t mean it that way. I respect you and everything, really.” He glanced over the room and frowned. “It’s not great, but at least nobody will bug us. And you said you wanted to do it, right?” When she hesitated, he touched her arm with his fingertips. “I love you.”

“Fine.” She walked to the bed, slipping off her high heels. “Well, what are you waiting for?”

“I’m sorry. Wait.” He took the bag and carried it on the bed. “Condoms, of course. And here’s a dildo. You won’t need that, of course.” He gave a harsh laugh.

She picked up the dildo with interest. “Where did you get this?”

“My friend Jared gave it to me for a Christmas present.”

“But why did you keep it?”

“I don’t know.” When Nicole raised her eyebrows, he added, “Mom freaked out when she saw it, but I hid it along with the condoms and she never found it. She still thinks it’s thrown out.”

“This is stupid.”

“I suppose it is.” He tossed the dildo in the trash, his face bright red. “There! It’s gone! Now, are you ready?”

“I suppose.” She set it down and sighed, lying down on the bed. “My mom would kill me if she knew what I was doing.”

“Where does she think you are?”

“My friend’s.” She smiled and leaned back. “Of course, I think she suspected something. But she didn’t say anything, so here I am.”

“Mmm.” He sat down next to her and put his hand on hers. “So, want to do it?”

“Not yet.”

It was quiet for a minute. Finally, Marcus turned to her.

“Now?”

“Oh God, you’re impatient. Fine, we can do it.” She sighed.

“Mmm.” He rolled on top of her and gnawed her neck. “You’re beautiful, you know that?” he murmured.

“Yeah.”

He smiled. “Can I take off your clothes?”

“No.”

“Should I take off my pants?”

“Now?”

“I’ll put on a condom.”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

Marcus shuddered and curled up into her arms. “This is going to be wonderful.”

At that moment, something skittered across the bed. Nicole flew up, defying every law of physics and before Marcus could blink, she was across the room, cursing as she wedged on her heels. “There’s--something--ahh!”

She ran out of the room.

Marcus blinked.

A mouse stared back at him, sitting on its hind legs, its little whiskers quivering as it sniffed the air. Then, after twittering some, it skittered off the bed.

The door slammed shut.

Marcus ran after her. “Nicole? Nicole! Come back, it wasn’t anything bad, just a mouse. Nicole? Hey! Hey! Hey!”


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is romantic fiction? Haha.

I thought it was good, a little superficial at the moment. I mean, is this a short stand alone piece? Or will this continue? Knowing that might help the analysis; as it stands, its amusing, quirky and the dialogue is er, natural-ish. Strange people say strange things and if I knew any strange people, its easy to see them saying the kind of things said here....

I've confused myself.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Don't really know what to make of it as yet, but maybe that will become clearer?

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's really nothing to critique here. It's perfect, grammar wise. I really can't find any fault in this, other than telling you the usual stuff. You know. 'I want more! Gimme more!'. Ugh. I feel completely hopeless.

Quote:
“My friend Jared gave it to me for a Christmas present.”


Jared is a very sexy name. Wink

The characters are very real and fresh. Witty and funny. Everything you could possibly want compiled into one. Yeah. So. I'm trying to draw this out so I can get 50 points....

Quote:
“That’s because there’s no light turned on.


For the sake of finding anything, this reads a bit awkwardly. How about, "That's because the light's not turned on."?

So. It's a good story. Very funny and sarcastic, and yet real. Good job. I'm really having trouble critiquing this.

-Jared

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with BBB. Jared is a sexy name. Wink

This is an amusing story - what an awful place to do that... I hope there is more! It's almost flawless! Very Happy

There's nothing grammar-wise, and the only thing I can think to point out is: how old are they exactly? You get the feeling that they're young, because of her mom comment, but you never really give any other indicator. It'd change the whole mood somewhat depending on whether they were 16-17 or 19-20.

But I do love what is here. I love your style, Snoink!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know it's romance...but it seems rather teen-lit-ish to me...I thinka little more flesh on the bones and this could be truly wonderful. Right now, though, it's at just wonderful. Hehe.

--Medusa.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*dies laughing*

Snoink is my hero!

*high fives Snoink*

I love it. I was getting a little tired of hot, sweaty, passionate sex scenes. Thank you! That made my day.

Nothing really to critique...

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really funny! Very realistic I guess, easily read, good grammar...nothing to crit really, just to say it was awesome!

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just as i used to say i love your style. I liked this piece and think it was well written. No crit...can't wait to read more.

I think you might remember me...Ive been gone a while but im back. Let me know if you need anything critiqued and i'll do it.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Snoink! Very Happy

Like everyone else, I think you have a good piece going on. There is really nothing grammatical wise to correct.

The only "critique" I have is about the characters. At this point, I think the characters are a little shallow.

Quote:
I thought it was good, a little superficial at the moment. I mean, is this a short stand alone piece? Or will this continue?



That quote sums up my thoughts. I truly hope you continue. Great job, and keep writing!

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Last edited by Ryukun7 on Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*sniggers*

I loved how the guy is totally oblivious and almost innocent and the girl is really jaded and emotionless. It totally isn't the conventional couple at all, nor the conventional situation. Really fresh and strangely funny.

I do have to agree with Ryukun about the characters though: they did seem a little flat and limited to their stereotypes as I wrote them above. They really didn't seem to have much depth. However, the humor was still there.

Very, very nice, Snoink.

*thumbs up*

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Jared = shmexy name Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Falls on floor laughing*

Wow, thank you. This is great, like a breath of fresh air. You can get a little tired of reading about things and its all perfect.

As all the people above have pointed out there is nothing to say grammar wise and all I can say for the writing is PLEASE DON"T STOP.

I think after a little more tweaking and filling out this will be a near perfect story.

Just one more thing, I really like the way you describe things.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad. It wasn't great or anything, but it flowed well, was easy to read, and was comically pleasing. Overall I'm glad I read it.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm pretty sure that's the most entertaining piece of "romantic"fiction I've read in a long time. My only suggestion is to put in some more 'he said' \'she said' because all that speakerless dialogue gets me confused on who's speaking.

That's it. Oh, and the title is awesome by the way.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Snoinkus, I love you, but I have to admit that I found this piece a little dry.

In my opinion (and odds are no one else will agree since you have more gold stars on this piece than the night sky itself) there was too much unspecific dialogue. You don't tell us a lot, except that Marcus is impatient, Jared likes to give people dildos, and there are mice in (hotel?) beds. There isn't a lot on the characters, very little description of the setting and nothing particularly grabbing. Not saying it's bad or anything- it's a very cute idea- but it could be executed to a more... Snoinkus standard.

For example, where are they coming from that requires Marcus to juggle the bags? Are they in a hotel or a friends room? It isn't very specific, and the dialogue is a rather chunky amount that is quite over-whelming.

Sorry.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

haha. that made me smile.

Is this going to be stand-alone or part of something bigger?

Only crit I have - the characters feel a little flat. Though, to be fair, it's pretty hard to get any real sense of character in a piece this short.


Okay guys, sorry, but Jared just makes me think of David Bowie in dodgy tights in labrynth (and I know he was Jareth but thats what it reminds me of) and that's really not nice. =P

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