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Everything Sparkles
Everything Sparkles

by kissthewitch in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 5, 2008
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Ghosts of a Past Fixation-Part One
Ghosts of a Past Fixation-Part Two
Ghosts of a Past Fixation-Part Three
Ghosts of a Past Fixation- Part Four
Ghosts of a Past Fixation - Part Five

Of Sex and Security - Part One

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xhalcyonx128   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:20 am    Post subject: Of Sex and Security - Part One Reply with quote

Of Sex and Suggestions

Ok, ok, I take it back!” Billy throws up his hands in defense, as if his friend’s expression could inflict physical harm. The fuzz on his chin and cheekbones remind Janet how easily Billy bruises: like a peach. She takes a step back and paces across his bedroom, stepping over a crumpled pink collared shirt and rolled up Madonna posters.

“Damn right you will. They had no right to give me their ‘advice’. They’re nothing but hypocrites,” Janet fumes as she reiterates the conversation from that morning.

“What did they say exactly?” Billy asks, warily handing Janet a bottle of water.

“Robert was sitting at his kitchen bar next to Melissa, and Tom, Karen, and I were standing in his kitchen making waffles. I told them about Xavier and some ‘plans’ we were making,” Janet looks at Billy with a guilty yet sly grin, “you know.”

“God, you didn’t!” Billy asks, shocked, but with a school girl giggle.

“No. At least, not yet… I told them about what I thought about it, how much I care for him and trust him, and,” Janet groans, ‘how much I really want it. I knew they’d be shocked – after all it is me – but do you know what their response was? Hypocrisy!”

Janet describes to Billy with over exaggerated hand gestures how Robert had nearly fallen off of his chair in surprise. She paces up and down the room retelling the emotions of the morning. Sex talk over breakfast, she explains, seemed only natural to her. Unfortunately, her friends were less than understanding.

“You can’t! I mean…it’s possible for you to…I’m sure…but you’re the last person I would expect to give in like this,” Robert said. He gets up and shuts of his speaker system leaving the room deprived of Jimmy Hendrix. His thin hair – hopelessly thrown into a ponytail – swung over his shoulder as Robert climbed back onto the barstool next to his girlfriend.

“Yea,” agreed Melissa, adjusting black rimmed glasses that barely hid her jet black eyeliner, “I thought you wanted to wait until marriage.”

“I used to think that, a while ago, but recently I’ve just been waiting for the right person. I promised myself I’d never compromise for less, and I believe he’s the right person,” Janet said.

“But what about your parents? They’d practically disown you if they ever found out, and your dad would probably exconnumate you,” Tom said, hiccupping. He attempted to pour the waffle batter into the fryer, but missed by a foot. Batter coated the kitchen counter, puddling at the waffle iron’s base until Karen noticed and stops the flow. He griped his head in embarrassment and promptly pops two Aspirin in his mouth.

“It’s excommunicate, and no he wouldn’t. Just because he’s a pastor doesn’t mean he’d disown his daughter over something like this. He’d be mad of course, but I never said I was going to tell him,” Janet said, “and are you drunk?”

“God might smite you,” Karen said with a tinge of hung over slurring. Tom offered her the Aspirin bottle, which she denied, and cleaned up glob of mix and proceeded to pour the remaining batter into the fryer. Her control over her state shows her expertise in the matter. An accomplished grin crosses her face as she stares at her previously inexperienced boyfriend.

“You two are awful, showing up to my breakfast announcement hung over,” she ignored them and continued, “This really isn’t a big deal. If it was, you four would be more cautious, and I sure don’t see any of you having any inhibitions,” Janet said, noting the quick smirks between couples.

“Maybe,” Melissa continued softly, “but just because we were ready doesn’t mean you are.”

“You have always been a little…how should I put it…slower with these things than we’ve been,” Robert says.

“Whoa there. Listen, I thought you guys could give me some advice about this, seeing as it would be my first time. Yes, I realize I’ve waited a long time for my first time, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to insult me like that. Excuse me for putting my time and energy into a potential career instead of a relationship,” Janet said.

“I’d hardly consider a high school newspaper a career,” Tom mumbles.

“I heard that Tom! And I’d have you know, creating a publication from scratch and then having monthly issues is no small feat you know,” said Janet.

“We know, we know,” the group grumbled.

Janet throws her arms up in the air, “I’ve respected all of you enough not to interfere when you do things I don’t agree with. As long as you’re safe and happy I don’t care what you do, and I ask for the same consideration,” Janet said, staring at her friends.

“That’s understandable,” Robert said as he cuts into a steaming waffle, “but we just feel that you aren’t ready for something like this.”

Janet’s eyes opened wide as she held back her frustration, “Not ready? Why does it matter to you whether or not I’m ready? That’s my business.”

“What Rob means to say, is that as strong as you are you’re rather inexperienced in the emotional aspect of a relationship, and you could get hurt,” Melissa said.

“I seriously doubt you were completely ready when you started,” Janet motioned to Karen and Melissa, “Fourteen years old,” then to Robert and Tom, “and sixteen years old when you lost it. I’m eighteen, a legal adult. I didn’t come here to be lectured as to why I shouldn’t do something you’ve been doing for years,” Janet said.

Pushing his waffle aside, Robert opened his wallet and placed a small sliver of an object on the counter. Janet stared at the condom in silence for a moment.

“If you want it, take it,” Robert said.

“Then I shoved the damn thing in my pocket and walked out the door. I was barely out of the door when I chucked it into the bushes,” Janet commences to explain to Billy. A grandfather clock chimes five o’clock, nine hours since the fight and Janet is still fuming. Droplets of condensation fly around the room and she gesticulates with the hand that holds her water bottle.

“I thought you wanted it,” Billy asks.

“Not like that. Besides, if I were to use that one all I’d be able to think about would be the fight,” she takes a slow sip of water and clears her throat, “I have to go. I need to talk to Xavier,” she apologizes and quickly heads towards her boyfriend’s house.


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Last edited by xhalcyonx128 on Mon Jul 07, 2008 2:49 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's okay, but I don't think you handled the transitions very well.

For example:
Quote:
“No. At least, not yet… I told them about what I thought about it, how much I care for him and trust him, and,” Janet groans, ‘how much I really want it. I knew they’d be shocked – after all it is me – but do you know what their response was? Hypocrisy!”
Janet describes to Billy how Robert had nearly fallen off of his chair in surprise.
“You can’t! I mean…it’s possible for you to…I’m sure…but you’re the last person I would expect to give in like this,” Robert said.

This part confused me at first. You jump from one scene to the next without warning. Sure 'Janet describes to Billy how Robert had nearly fallen off of his chair in surprise...' was the transition, but not a very good one. At first I thought the main character explained it without the author putting it into dialogue, you know what I mean?
Any-who, try a smoother transition. As well as here:
Quote:
Pushing his waffle aside, Robert opened his wallet and placed a small sliver of an object on the counter. Janet stared at the condom in silence for a moment.
“If you want it, take it,” Robert said.
“Then I shoved the damn thing in my pocket and walked out the door. I was barely out of the door when I chucked it into the bushes,” Janet explains to Billy.

Once again, I was confused!

Your characters all blend in. Two seconds later and I've forgotten all their names, and I can't tell the difference between them. You need more character development and distinctiveness.

Quote:
Ok, ok, I take it back!” Billy throws up his hands in defense, as if his friend’s expression could inflict physical harm.
“Damn right you will. They had no right to give me their ‘advice’. They’re nothing but hypocrites,” Janet fumes as she reiterates the conversation from that morning.

Hmm... the intro isn't all that great. Try changing it up a little.

Will this be continued? Because the ending leads me to believe that. If so, tell me! I'd love to read more. If not, then you need to change your ending to bring a sense of closure.

Nice story... 6/10. Just adding some more originality and polishing it up a bit.

See you around! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is written well, grammar and stylistically. The problem I see, and the person above me saw, is in characterization. Immediately in the beginning dialogue you throw a lot of names at the reader: Billy, Janet, Robert, Karen, Melissa, Xavier. WHOA! And nothing besides their names to tell them apart, which really doesn't help. We need something to differentiate these people, some sort of description, even if you add it in by your two characters here thinking on a trait of one of them in distaste.

Quote:
and your dad would probably exconnumate you

The bold is a typo misspelling.

This IS written well and has a lot of potential - it's just so hard to read because there's absolutely no characterization outside of dialogue. I can't tell anyone apart! And you just throw us into the dialogue, with no clue of what is going on. I'm still not entirely sure what brought all of this about, though I have collected what's going on in general. But it's very confusing without any characterization.

The thing to focus on here: CHARACTERIZATION.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the critiques thus far! I'm going back now and fixing the transitions, and right after that I'm going to plunge into the characterization. Even when I was writing this I couldn't really differentiate characters, so I knew that would be a problem from the get go. Time for revision. *Puts on hardhat*

Also, I know it's not very clear at the moment, but excommunicate is purposely misspelled initially.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hm. No glaring flaws. I really did like it, it was well-written, and you did wonderfully with the dialogue, something I struggle with.

However, at first your main character wasn't very... likeable. She warms up a little over the peice, but still you don't exactly fall in love. She seems to show almost no emotion other than anger. Of course this is but a short peice of the puzzle, but even when she threw up, it seemed sort of skipped over. Maybe emphasize your vulnerability a little with her.

Other than that, great work/ Keep writin'!

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I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well…that was interesting. At first, I thought these “kids” I guess, were WAY older than you said they were. They acted like twenty-five-year-olds, not eighteen-year-old kids! And I think that’s partly why I found it kind of slow going. It seemed that this beginning was too short. I mean, all this whole part was about the sex-talk over pancakes that morning. It didn’t really make sense to me, why this was just one part or installment. You need to add and expand this more.

But other than that, I did find it enjoyable. All your characters seemed very mature for their age, however, as I’ve mentioned before. You have to be careful with that in the future.

I will keep my eyes open for the next installment!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: This is great! Reply with quote

I read all the chapters to this and I have become a fan of it *claps* I think is story is wonderful and presents some interesting charaters. The diolouge is so real, and I can imagine every bit like a movie. I can't wait till you'r next chapter! I have no critism, I really can't find anything bad to say, so that means this story is awesome!
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