Topic ID: 32795
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The Queen Of Doodles
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 70
Reviews: 10
Country: Philippines, and PROUD!
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:22 am Post subject: Quit Pretending |
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Quit pretending
That you know
What love is about
(It's obvious that you don't)
Quit pretending
You don't know
What I'm talking about
(Your guilt says that you know)
'Cause in my mind I see you
Together with me
But with my own eyes I see you
With somebody else
Yes, she's beautiful
And yes, she's blonde
But wasn't it you
Who told me I'm the one?
So quit pretending
That it's me
You still think about
('Cause I know that it's her)
And quit pretending
I'm the one
That's inside your heart
(Can't you see the hurt?)
At the airport
When you arrived from France
You went through the doors
With a lady in red
You were about to kiss her
Then you saw the look
The look on my face
It expressed my pain
So quit pretending
That you know
You're faithful to me
(And look into my eyes)
And quit pretending
That you weren't
Cheating on me
(I need your honesty)
Now my lips feel empty
Away from yours
If that was true love,
I can't know for sure
What I felt for you,
The whole world could see
But you never told me
If even you could see
So quit pretending
That you had
Real feelings for me
('Cause, really, you are numb)
And quit pretending
You want me back
Because you love me
(You know, I'm not that dumb)
You should know I fell
Madly in love with you
And when I saw that airport scene
I suddenly saw the truth
If you want, we can stay friends
But remember this:
Ever since you left me
You destroyed my bliss
Quit pretending
That you know
What love is about
So I'll stop pretending
I still love you
And I'll show you
The meaning of truth
So stop pretending
No one's deceived
Simply decide:
Daisy or me? |
_________________
Call me Judith...or Sushi Man...or Pipsqueak, Carol, Knorr, Dagsbunny, Dith, Chups, Leah Jr., Nagaraya, Due Date, Braces, Jill, Jet, Sweetheart, Metalmouth, Jude, Mommy, Maria, or Bibi. Yeah, I know, so many nicknames. Pick whichever you preffer.
Last edited by The Queen Of Doodles on Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:59 am; edited 2 times in total |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good. You're got quite a talent for lyrics, judging by this song. I really liked it. In story it's just like half the songs on the charts, but there was something different about it. There was something refreshing and angry that I really liked. But there were some bits that didn't work for me.
Quit pretending
That you know
What love is about
(It's obvious that you don't)
Quit pretending
You don't know
What I'm talking about
(Your guilt says that you know)
'Cause in my mind I see you
Together with me
But with my own eyes I see you
With some other girl Girl just doesn't go. Think of a different word, because this line disrupts the entire song.
Yes, she's beautiful
And yes, she's blonde
But wasn't it you
Who told me I'm the one?
So quit pretending
That it's me
You still think about
('Cause I know that it's her)
And quit pretending
I'm the one
That's inside your heart
(Can't you see the hurt?)
At the airport
When you arrived from France
You went through the doors
With a lady in red
You were about to kiss her
Then you saw the look
The look on my face
It expressed my pain
So quit pretending
That you know This doesn't make sense. I'd change this line to something like, That you are
You're faithful to me If you take my previous advice, get rid of You're/
(And look into my eyes)
And quit pretending
That you weren't
Cheating on me
(I need your honesty)
Now my lips feel empty
Away from yours
If that was true love,
I can't know for sure
What I felt for you,
The whole world can see
But you never told me
If even you could see
So quit pretending
That you had
Real feelings for me
('Cause, really, you are numb)
And quit pretending
You want me back
Because you love me
(You know, I'm not that dumb)
You should know I fell
Madly in love with you
And when I saw that airport scene
I suddenly saw the truth
If you want, we can stay friends
But remember this:
Ever since you left me
You destroyed my bliss
Quit pretending
That you know
What love is about
[Quit pretending
You don't know
What I'm talking about
Quit pretending
That it's me
You still think about
Quit pretending
I'm the one
That's inside your heart
Quit pretending
That you know
You're faithful to me
Quit pretending
That you weren't
Cheating on me
Quit pretending
That you had
Real feelings for me
And quit pretending
You want me back
Because you love me ] Get rid of all this bit. It's really long and not completely necessary. You don't need it here.
So I'll stop pretending
I still love you
And I'll show you
The meaning of truth
So stop pretending
No one's deceived
Simply decide:
Daisy or me?
Overall, great. I didn't tell you the things I loved about it, but there were a lot. I'll show you a couple now.
| Quote: |
Quit pretending
You don't know
What I'm talking about |
| Quote: |
So quit pretending
That you had
Real feelings for me
('Cause, really, you are numb) |
| Quote: |
And quit pretending
You want me back
Because you love me
(You know, I'm not that dumb) |
Those are my three favourite bits.
This is a great song, and I'd love to hear a recording of it if you have one.
Great job! |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I really liked these lyrics. However, I agree with all the suggestions chocoholic made, especially the last section. Although it could maybe work if it was sung underneath a verse, at the moment it just makes the song unnecessarily long.
I liked the structure when you had three lines, then one in brackets. I could hear the bit in brackets sort of spoken. I also liked all the mirroring that you tend to do, which you can see throughout the whole song:
| Quote: |
Quit pretending
That you know
What love is about
(It's obvious that you don't)
Quit pretending
You don't know
What I'm talking about
(Your guilt says that you know) |
There were a couple of sections that jarred a little:
| Quote: |
Then you saw the look
The look on my face
It expressed my pain |
The repetition of 'the look' would be fine, but 'It expressed my pain' just feels too passive. It doesn't say much.
| Quote: |
Now my lips feel empty
Away from yours |
Don't like the word choice of 'empty' - maybe 'lonely' or something along those lines would work the same?
| Quote: |
If that was true love,
I can't know for sure
What I felt for you,
The whole world can see
But you never told me
If even you could see |
Would it not be 'could see' because it's in the past tense?
My favourite section was at the end, from 'So I'll stop pretending'.
Well done with these! |
_________________
Click for critiques 
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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Kodiak
Novice
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Jul 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 1
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: |
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It is really good! Usually I am not a fan of reading long posts, but I actually wanted to read all of it. Great job!  |
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The Queen Of Doodles
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 70
Reviews: 10
Country: Philippines, and PROUD!
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 9:37 am Post subject: |
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Time for an explanation! (so that the readers know why certain lines are like that)
Chocoholic said that the lines "That you know" and "You're faithful to me" didn't make any sense, but it's really supposed to be part of a sentence ("Quit pretending that you know you're faithful to me. It's like telling the guy to stop saying that he practically knows he's faithful, because he's not.). The not completely necessary part was totally not my fault. My cousin was with me when I was typing, and I let her read the lyrics. She told me it needed something, so I let her add the necessaries while I was out talking to my mom. I told her to post in for me, and I only found out about her editing now. (but the "So I'll quit pretending" part was totally mine. The only part she added was the part where the Quit Pretending's started repeating after the first one.)  I'll just take it off. *grumbles about cousin* Anywho, the part where the word "girl" sort of distrupts the song, it was either "With some other girl" or "With somebody else," and I decided on girl... But I'll change it to somebody else.
Wow. Me, with a talent for lyrics? Impossible. All my previous songs stunk, if you ask me. And thanks. 
| Quote: |
| In story it's just like half the songs on the charts, but there was something different about it. There was something refreshing and angry that I really liked. |
WOW-er. You were refreshed by my song. Though I do agree with the half the songs on the charts thing. What my song's about it just really over-used.
Sapphire said that the "it expressed my pain" part was not saying much, but that's only because the girl talking doesn't talk about her feelings much, therefore disabling her from saying enough words. And the "empty" part was really supposed to be empty. Loneliness is just the absence of the other. Emptiness is much deeper, and much more painful. The "can" part instead of "could" was an honest mistake. Sorry. Thanks for liking it!
And Kodiak, THANK YOU for taking your time in reading the lyrics. I'm flattered. |
_________________
Call me Judith...or Sushi Man...or Pipsqueak, Carol, Knorr, Dagsbunny, Dith, Chups, Leah Jr., Nagaraya, Due Date, Braces, Jill, Jet, Sweetheart, Metalmouth, Jude, Mommy, Maria, or Bibi. Yeah, I know, so many nicknames. Pick whichever you preffer.
Last edited by The Queen Of Doodles on Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:57 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Ygaron
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 41
Reviews: 30
201 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:08 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it a lot! However. if you are tho change it (which I agree with Chocoholic on), I think "with someone else" would just flow better. I don't know how much your cousin wrote, but this was very good. Keep up the good work. |
_________________
"A person who won't read has no advantage over a person who can't read"
-----Mark Twain |
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