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Vicissitudes--1. Alice
Vicissitudes--1. Alice

by Bickazer in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 16, 2008
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Kate Has 8 Lives.
Kate Has 8 Lives. Chapter 2.
Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 4
Kate Has 8 Lives :Chapter 5

Kate Has 8 Lives :3rd Chapter

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 8:28 pm    Post subject: Kate Has 8 Lives :3rd Chapter Reply with quote

Chapter 3: Heaven Gives You Chances.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She could not feel.

She could not smell.

Natural two human abilities completely taken away. But why?

Suddenly Kate felt a rush of wind, and felt as if she was floating on top of clouds. She opened her eyes and saw she was.

“What? WHAT?!” She screamed. She couldn’t believe her eyes. She was in heaven?

She whipped her face side to side, until she felt her feet drag across the clouds. It was a dream.. All of it, it just had to be.

It was until another rush of wind caused Kate’s whole spirit to rush right through a door. It was all just the blue sky and white puffy clouds fogging up Kate's vision until the very moment she reached a man in a business suit at a desk. This was all just to weird.

Kate examined everything with caution, biting her lip. She was just too freaked out, and lost all the color in her face when she saw Ginger, her beloved cat, jump on top of the unknown man's desk.

The desk was like any other simple desk; it had the necessities, such as a row of pens laid out in the front, a stack of papers, and behind the desk itself, a file cabinet. Behind the man, who at the moment, was in a heated conversation, was a sign, a black sign with gold cursive letters that spelled out “Heaven Gives Chances.” Kate then looked up at the man.

He wore a pair of simple glasses with a black trim. His suit was brown, and in Kates amazement, he had a pair of gorgeous silver wings , the same wings of the angel that she and her mother would put on top of the Christmas tree during the jolly season itself.

Kate took a seat still in caution of what was around her. Her eyes were as big as saucers, her hands were shaking and her palms were clammy, but she still managed to take a seat in the big green velvet chair behind her. It made no sense to be in a office, with no walls whatsoever, but just the sky.

Ginger jumped in Kates lap and purred while curling up beside her. Kate began to stroke Gingers fur still completely unaware of what was going on, her eyes straight ahead and the expression on her face showing as if she was in some sort of alien encounter.

It was sad that the fact Ginger was here instead of home, and Kate did not like it one bit. A cat she had since seven years old that she fed and cared for and was one of the only ones in Kates time of need was in the land of clouds instead of home where Kate knew she belonged.

The man continued to speak and Kate listened in. She knew she had to be demanding; this man did have her cat, so she had the right to.

“Yes, well tell Dan he can just cancel Fluffys last five lives; that cat never liked him anyway!” the man in the business suit blew up. He slammed the phone into the receiver and suddenly caught Kates eyes. He became flustered and embarrassed, so he turned to Kate and cleared his throat while taking his seat. He began fiddling with the pens at his desk.

“So, I believe you are Kate Lent, is that correct?” the man piped up.

Kate nodded, still with disbelief and a whole lot a fear in her eyes. What was going on?

“I am Jack Sander, and it is very nice to meet you!” he gobbled on. He put his hand out, but Kate didn’t move a muscle. She couldn’t even blink.

“Earth to Kate!” he shouted in her ear bending over his desk.

“I’m not on earth.” Kate gulped. Jack stood up and looked down at Kate staring at her for a few moments. She was acting like she had just been shot, or as if something had attacked her face. Jack rolled his eyes knowing it was going to take a very long explanation to show her what was going on.

“Sooo, I should begin now” he lectured, “Welcome to heaven! The land of the passed away! This is ’Heaven Gives Changes’, a absolute wonderful opportunity to give back a life to someone whose time has not come! Heaven holds many companies like this one, but this one is special! Extrodin-!”

“Hold up a second Mr. Chipper!” Kate lipped once she had snapped out of her trance.

“Actually Miss Sarcasm, I wasn’t-”

“So you are saying I get to go back home?” She put in quikly.

Ginger jumped off the seat she shared with Kate and took a long stretch on Jacks desk, causing two pens to roll into the garbage bin. Jack immediately took the pens out the bin as Kate continued.

“I mean, it doesn’t make much sense, and plus, why is my cat here? As a dead being, I demand to know what is going on.” she scorned.

“Alright, like I was sa-a-aying, in this company, loving cat owners who cats have passed away get the chance to use the rest of the cats lives. Cats have nine lives total, your cat sadly only used up one, and that means Kate-!”

“Wait, hold on-”

“Please stop interrupting me!" He shouted. Kate backed down. She never heard someone so frustrated.

"Sorry" Kate squeaked. It was her life, and she had to know what was going on, so she coulden't help but be demanding in this some sort of fantasy land she was in.

Jack cleared up his throat to speak.

“See Kate, you died too soon. You are so young, and as far as people looking over you can tell, you still have a lot to learn.” he calmly announced.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Kate shot. How dare he act as if she was dumb, she was fourteen, not seven.

Gasps came from offices besides Jacks, and a row of people bobbed their heads out from their closed offices absolutely disgusted. Jack looked completely embarrassed. Kate realized what she had done.

“Umm, OH, I am so sorry! It slipped out! I mean it! Oh my lord.”

A few more gasp.

“Oh.. Oh god! I am sorry, I did not mean to put your name in vain dear lord! I truly am sorry!” Kate shouted up into the sky, putting her hands in praying position. Everyone went back to their offices forgetting the incident.

“Its okay.” she heard a eco rumple from the left of the sky. Kate grabbed a piece a paper from Jacks desk and began tearing and folding pieces up; something she does out of boredom.

“That was weird!” Kate said completely terrified fixed over the tears of papers she was making.

Jack huffed.

“As I was saying Kate.. How do I put this lightly?.. Oh yea, you’re a crook.”

“Well that is a wonderful thing to say to a client!”

“I am serious can you please listen to-, actually you know what? Can you please put that down?" Jack calmly asked gesturing Kate to put down all the paper she was ripping up. Kate put down the paper on Jacks desk and smiled.

"Kate, your a theif. You steal, everyone knows that up here, and we know you are much better then that. Girls like you shoulden't being going into stores and stuffing there pockets. You act like you get things for free when you don't get caught, but that is just not the point."

Kate looked to the ground and began kicking the clouds as smog would burst up from her doing so. She knew what she did was wrong, but she was just to good at it to stop.

Jack gestured Kate to look over at Ginger, who was playing with a paper bag Jack set near his desk. Ginger looked so happy, and Kate coulden't help but smile. All she wanted was for Ginger to be happy, despite the fact she wasn't with her family.

“You see that Kate?” Jack said under his breath sweetly, “That cat, right there, she really loves you, and cats like her are really smart and know they would sacrifice anything to there owners.”

Kate began to listen in carefully. She didn’t know what this all meant yet.

“She never has been in any life-threatening situations Kate, and there-for has never used all her lives. Cats have nine lives, humans only have one. You are probably thinking, well that is just a saying, but oh no, Cats indeed do have nine lives.”, Jack cleared up his throat again and took a drink from the water dispenser.

He continued to explain as Kate listened in closer.

“Under humans knowledge, Cats get hit by cars all the time, they fall off high places all of the time, and yet, for some reason they can get right back up. They have nine times to do so.”

"Oh, so everytime Ginger got hurt it never really mattered?" Kate asked interested in Jacks answer.

“Correction,” Jack began, “Ginger never did get hurt. She died out of old age, a common thing in cats, and no matter how many lives the cat has left, they have to pass away eventually. Ginger only used one of her lives Kate.”

“Yeah, but what does cats have to do with this place and me getting a second change at life?” she questioned, "I mean, not to be rude Jack, but-"

“You have done plenty of that already, but onto your quistion, I’m glad you asked. Simply put it this way, your cat loves you so much, we know it is willing to give you something very special, so you can prove to us that you deserve to live, and karma won‘t stab you in the back.. Literally.”

"So what does this all mean?"

“Kate, you are now given 8 lives.”, Jack smiled.

Kates jaw dropped open.

"Kate? You alright?" Jack asked concerened.

"Give me a few moments", she breathed in. Ginger purred.

"You probably thought I was joking. This is real indeed" Jack grinned.


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Last edited by Curlyqpride on Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:51 am; edited 9 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, the bomb drops.

I really like this concept. I was trying to figure out what the connection between the title and the story was (I had figured it had something to do with cats) but I didn't put two and two together with Ginger. Very nice sneaking that one up on me.

My crit on that would be that we need to see more of the whole love for Ginger a little bit earlier. Maybe have her play a bigger part in the first chapter. You talk about her in the second chapter, but it is still overshadowed by the brilliant twisting of expectations and that characterization. In the second one, you talk about her more, but it is more like it is an after thought, like "oops, Kate's about to die... I need to explain about Ginger now, I guess...". Make Kate be worried about Ginger more in the first, when she isn't dying. That way, we know that she is worried about her cat and we know that the cat is there in advance, instead of finding out about it right before she becomes important. It is always better to give the reader information beforehand and have it pay off a little ways down the road, so that they think "oh! that's what that was for" rather than have the two piggybacked immediately together, which makes the reader think "oh please, like I didn't see that coming."

Kate seems to be pretty demanding and bratty for talking to someone who holds her life in their hands. It kind of lessens her appeal to me, but I must say, the smarmy Jack is fast worming his way into my heart. Are we going to see more of him? How many times is Kate going to end up here to deal with him? *wiggles eyebrows*

Looking forward to more!

*thumbs up*

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job, as usual. Here's a few grammatical errors I noticed but nothing big:

Quote:
Natural two human abilities completely taken away..
One period, not two.

Quote:
Suddenly Kate felt a rush of wind, and felt as if she was floating on top of clouds..
Same problem there.

Quote:
She opened her eyes. She was.
Maybe "She opened her eyes and saw that she was."?

Quote:
Kates vision
You need an apostophe.

Quote:
She was just too freaked out, and lost all the color in her face when she saw Ginger, her beloved cat, jump on top of the unknown mans desk.
No comma after Out. We already know that Ginger is her beloved cat (at least the ones who've been reading the other chapter have). A apostophe after the N in man's.

Quote:
The desk was like any other simple desk, it had the necessities
Try a semi-colon instead of a comma.

Quote:
Behind the man, who at the moment,
"Behind the man who, at the moment,...." might work better. The comma is in the wrong place the way you put it.

Quote:
“Heaven Gives Chances”.
Put the period inside the quotations to say that its the end of the sentence.

Quote:
Kate then looked up at the man.
She'd already looked up and saw him. Why put this in twice?

Quote:
His suit was brown, and in Kates amazement
" His suit was brown and, in Kate's (add apostophe) amazement..."

Quote:
the same wings of the angel that her and her mother
"...the same wings of the angel that she and her mother..."

Quote:
Fluffys last 5 lives,
"Fluffy's last five lives."

Quote:
, that cat never liked him anyway!”
Semi colon.

Quote:
caught Kates eyes.
Apostophe.

Quote:
of if something had attacked her face.
Do you mean "as if"?

Quote:
“Sooo, I should begin now”
Period at the end.

Quote:
“Actually Miss Sarcasm, I wasn’t-”
"Actually, Miss Sarcasm, I wasn't-"
Quote:
“Yea, let me talk”
Period at the end.

Quote:
Kate barked
Kind of sounds like a dog. No offense. Smile

Quote:
Jacks desk,
Apostophe.

Quote:
loving cat owners who cats
Whose.

Quote:
your cat sadly only used up one
That's good, isn't it? Only one used up.

Quote:
means Kate-!”
I don't understand the use of an exclamation point there. Its not like the girl can figure out what he means.

Quote:
Kate completely backed down
Completely is just an extra word. The sentence might sound better without it.

Quote:
have a lot to learn”
Period before the quotations.

Quote:
Kate grabbed a piece a paper from Jacks desk and began tearing and folding pieces up.
Why would she do that?

Quote:
“As I was saying Kate.. How do I put this lightly?.. Oh yea, you’re a crook.”
"As I was saying Kate--how do I put this lightly--oh yea, you're a crook." or something along those lines. Eciples are only when you're leaving something out.

Quote:
“I am serious can you please listen to-,
No comma and add another dash thing.

Quote:
“That cat, right there, she really loves you, and cats like her are really smart and know they would sacrifice anything to there owners.”
Too many ands and you used the wrong tense of there. Their.

Quote:
Cats have nine lives, humans only have one.
Use But or And instead of a comma.

Quote:
nine lives.”,
No comma.

Quote:
knowledge, Cats get hit
don't capitalize the C in cats.

I didn't point out all the grammatical mistakes because the majority of them are repetitive and I figure you can find them on your own. I liked the story, with the exception of the mistakes and I'm sorry if I was harsh. Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:39 am    Post subject: LOVE IT!!!!! Reply with quote

OMG I LOVE IT IT IS COOL IT RULES THE SCHOOL


I AM WEIRD!! Laughing

Btw the way whaen you read this read it in the beat of a song like this dun...dun...dun dun...dun...dun dun...dun...dun




I KNOW IM WEIRD!don't were it out Wink



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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey girl,

First off, way to tell me you had something new up! I had to find it for myself! *Scoff*
Razz I'm just kidding with you. On to the review....

As always, it was good. I liked that the title and story finally came together. I loved how your wrote this part; it felt like "Bruce Almighty" and Elsewhere combined. I can see your writing improving as I read more of your stuff.

Grammer stuff as always, but I saw someone else did that so I won't. Plus I'm horrible at it too so...

Awkward phrases (are my life)
Quote:
Kate nodded, still with disbelief and a whole lot a fear in her eyes.

I understand what you are trying to go for here, but make the wording a bit clearer. Maybe try making it more consice because I think the wordiness of the "a whole lot a fear" part loses the clarity of the imagrey.

Quote:
It was her life, and she had to know what was going on, so she coulden't help but be demanding in this some sort of fantasy land she was in.

I think the length of the sentence is too long here, and causes it to read awkwardly. Consider breaking it into two sentences.

A few other minor ones, but nothing else major.

One last thing... We as readers never really know how close Kate and Ginger are till you tell us in the the previous chapter. I would show us in the first chapter and the second chapter (add more).

Once again, I liked it and can't wait for more!
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:48 am    Post subject: I agree Reply with quote

I agree with shel

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 1:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Curly! Here I ammmmmm.

Since everybody else took care of the grammar, I'll just say this one thing about: I know you're trying to fix up your grammar, and you have gotten much better at it, but try eying your writing before posting it here to see if anything sticks out funny. Proof-read. See if that will help you find some things.

Quote:
She opened her eyes and saw she was

"saw THAT she was"

Quote:
gold cursive letters that spelled out “Heaven Gives Chances.”

Haha! Laughing

Quote:
he has a pair of gorgeous silver wings

"he HAD" Remember what I said before about past and present tense? You gotta be careful and think past tense all the time, here.

Quote:
“EARTH TO KATE!” he shouted in her ear bending over his desk

Ouch. You have a lot of caps lock, and that's not a good thing to have in a story. Italicize instead.

Okey dokey. Now, the dialogue between Jack and Kate is too yell-y. I can imagine Kate being sarcastic with him, but I think she should be scared too. I mean, she did die and she's finding this out. I think what you need here is a mixture of sarcasm and fear. Because the situation is so complex, she wouldn't just be feeling one thing - she'd be all over the place, be feeling many different emotions.

And it'd be nice to know why Jack is so jumpy and impatient too. Is it his personality? Does it show in his face? Anxious, jumpy people have anxious, jumpy mannerisms and you need to show those outside of dialogue.

This is an important scene, and you need to make it wonderful.

I love the plotline, though. It's so clever and the title is cute to boot. A thief dies and gets her lies back from the cat she loved - adorable! I hope you address the thief issue though. It's a conflict in the story that needs to be resolved.

Also, I don't remember Ginger very much from the beginning of the story. I think you should go back to your first chapter and add more mention of the beloved cat, as buildup and foreshadowing to this chapter.

I hope I helped! Thanks for the read, Curly!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:37 pm    Post subject: yay! Reply with quote

Thank you all so much! It won't be too long till the 4th chapter! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Curly!

Oh, my goodness, I love Jack also. XD Kate is fabulous as ever, and your plot (have I mentioned this before?) is ah-mazing. You were able to spin an entire story out of an idiom, which is quite a neat thing indeed.

REALITY CHECK

How does Kate determine that it's not a dream? There's a difference--in feeling, and all of that--that enables us, when we're dreaming, to say, "Oh, we're dreaming" and not have a complete cow when things go horribly wrong. When Kate first arrives in Heaven, she never really has this moment, and so we're not certain whether or not to take her seriously. A moment of revelation would help to smooth out the plot, and would be a more realistic thought process on her first arrival.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

In the exchange between Kate and Jack, you have two very strong personalities--Jack, who is the kind of guy you'd expect to randomly z-snap, and Kate, who's kind of a sarcastic wit. Unfortunately, Kate overpowers Jack, and we don't get to laugh as much at Jack's sass outbursts because Kate one-ups him. In situations like this, where the humor is found in the absurdity of it all, you don't want your main character to overpower the guests. That's what makes it funny--your characters' fates are being decided by someone who really doesn't seem to have the proper qualifications.

What to do? Simply tone down Kate a little, and make sure we know Jack's diva personality right from the start. That means less sarcasm and more blubbering from her, and a bit more snippy attitude from him.

__

Sorry it took me so long to get to this! I absolutely love them, though, so be sure to poke me when you get the next part up. ^_~

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good, very unique idea, Curly! Very Happy I liked it! It was taking me forever, trying to figure out the title and what it had to do with the story...but good job, all the same!

Umm, I didn't really notice anything wrong. I think the people above have pointed out mostly everything, leaving me out of a job.

My only suggestion is to watch out with the flow and dragging of the story. Sometimes, I felt that it was going too slow, and then it sped up, and then it dragged. Just try to keep everything smooth and easy-going Wink

Otherwise, great work!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, i have a question.
Are you actually going to progress with this as a chapter and story? If not - well i won't put much here, just a general outline of what is in the document. Doesn't pop up too much in this chapter but enough to cause a bit of a sore thumb - spell check is your friend Razz use it as a last double check.

Overall: i'm liking where the story is going but i'll be frank: edit it thoroughly before uploading it here. It's annoying with all the simple little errors appearing that a simple one-time spell check would fix and enable us to focus more on the important bigger things.

It's all so cliche. I've been told to avoid them so i'll tell you.
The idea of heaven and the things are good - i like the way Kate is hysterical and all the emotion that pours from her. As a character you've made her strong - now revise the man because sprouting wings? Seriously, not every heaven person needs wings. Keep it if you want, but he's the weakest link in this story. What he does, it's just not fitting. I don't like him, and having problems following things he does.

The plot is amazing - i love it. but Jack is such a weak character here - try and add some strength to him and add more description. I love kate, she's a superb character, but some parts you fall over yourself trying to cram in as many different things she does as you can without commas. Use commas Smile

"Oh yeah, you're a crook". Who would say that? I'm sorry but some of the things he says shortly before and right after this, it all is way too unrealistic. I know you probably won't be looking for realism but what he says, either add more to make it slightly funnier, or begin again to make it flow and yeah - ultimately, needs revision.

As said above -drag, speeding, drag. Try and keep all action at the same speed- avoid having sections of writing where nothing happens and then launch into drama and emotion and anger and hysteria. Didn't happen to that extent here Razz but be careful - parts lack action and then there's bits that are choked by emotion and action.

Getting onto chapter 4. You've got a fairly decent plot and i hope you continue on with it and put more thought into it. You've got the beginnings of a brilliant story if you want to persist.


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