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The Handkerchief
The Handkerchief

by CastlesInTheSky in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 17, 2008
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Flashback to Pain; Chapter 1
Flashback to pain. Chapter 2

Flashback to pain: Chapter 3

Topic ID: 33201
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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:57 pm    Post subject: Flashback to pain: Chapter 3 Reply with quote

The pulsing beat of the music surrounded us instantly. Light were flashing brilliant neon colors across the ceiling and dance floor. I saw a couple of kids from school, but the rest of the people were strangers.

A pair of emerald green eyes met mine. I broke the stare quickly, but it was too late. He was walking towards me.

"Uh, ice, where's the bathroom?" I yelled over the speakers.

"Up the stair, turn right at the master bedroom." She yelled back over the music.

"Thanks!"

I walked quickly, dodging the wild crowd of people. I was already at the top of the stairs, but before I could turn the corner, and hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.

"Bryce! God, what do you want?" I said, feeling somewhat shaken. I didn't have to yell up here, the music was distant.

"Bryce, I don't want to talk to you, now let go."

"Aww, come on Jade, just a little kiss."

"God no. Get off of me now."

I tried to wiggle out of his grip, but he put both hands on my shoulders and held fast. The growing pain in my shoulders was nothing compared to the lump in my throat. I shouldn't have left the crowd of people!

"Bryce, hands off. Seriously dude. Get off."

I wasn't strong enough to counter. He pushed me against the wall hard.

"I told you you might not ever come back!" He said menacingly. I thought I saw a flash of sorrow in his eyes, but then,

Click!

The lights went out.

I listened helplessly as the cries of shock and fear rose up, swallowing the house with panic. Bryce pushed me into the first room we came to. He pushed me hard across the room. I was expecting the impact of my back against the wall, but instead I landed on something soft. A bed. He pushed me into the master bedroom! He threw me across the room on to a bed and the lights are off. Pervert.

I could barely see his outline in the darkness. My stomach twisted with fear. Darkness and fear...

Ice had turned pure white in the moonlight. We swam to shore frantically. We looked for our clothes while calling your names. No one came. I was about to call 911, when something grabbed my legs and pulled me down. By the sounds of Ice's muffled screams, the same thing had happened to her. The thing got on top of me a starting biting my neck. The thing on top of me was...

"Bryce! What the hell are you doing? Where are you?" I whispered out of fear and spite.

I heard the faint click of the door. He locked me in! I still couldn't see because of the power failure.

Bryce pulled me to my feet. I kicked and he fell to the ground. Feeling my way towards the door, the panic was spilling over my emotions. I could almost see the outline of the door. Almost there. Almost there, almost there.

He found me and pulled me toward the ground. I felt my head hit something on the way down.

I'm going to be unconscious, I thought. No, I will survive.

Bryce pushed his mouth on mine.

I can't twist, he has my shoulders. I can't kick, he'd recover too fast. What do I do?

His kiss wasn't sweet anymore. He was pushing on me hard. My mouth was numb. Part of me wanted to enjoy it. The other was gagging in disgust.

Wait! Maybe if I play along, I'll catch him off guard. Yes!

He knew that I was stuck. I dropped my shoulders in defeat.

"There. That wasn't so hard, now was it?" He said, easing us towards the bed.

"Just like old times. You still taste good." he whispered into the darkness.

"Mmmmhmmm." I purred back. My brains were screaming ewww! What are you doing Jade?

He lay me on the bed.

I took in the moment. My tongue was preoccupied with his, while my butt was being involuntarily fondled by his hand.

He finally broke the kiss. We caught our breath. I couldn't take the suspense. How far would he go with me?

I pulled his head back down to mine. His lips were so dry.

I licked him playfully.

Then the lights came back on.

"AHHHHH!" I screeched.

The guy on top of me wasn't Bryce. Bryce was on the floor bleeding. The guy on top of me had a knife lowering towards my throat.


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Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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alwaysawriter   View This User's Portfolio
is back to writing and critiquing.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few grammatical errors but nothing big. The ending completely took me by surprise, by the way. Smile

Quote:
"Uh, ice, where's
Capitalize the I in Ice.

Quote:
"Up the stair, turn right at the master bedroom."
Maybe this would work better? "Up the stairs and turn right at the master bedroom."

Quote:
could turn the corner, and hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.
Too many Ands. Try this maybe? "...could turn the corner, the hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around."

Quote:
I didn't have to yell up here, the music was distant.
What about this instead? "I didn't have to yell up here since the music was distant."

Quote:
I don't want to talk to you, now let go.
Try So instead of Now, maybe?

Quote:
He said menacingly.
Menacingly doesn't really need to be there; you can tell from earlier in the story that he wasn't playing.

Quote:
I can't twist, he has my shoulders. I can't kick, he'd recover too fast.
Maybe try "I can't twist since he has my shoulders and I can't kick, because he'd recover too fast."?

Quote:
My brains were screaming ewww! What are you doing Jade?
Maybe try "My brains were screaming ewww! What are you doing, Jade?!

Quote:
The guy on top of me wasn't Bryce. Bryce was on the floor bleeding. The guy on top of me had a knife lowering towards my throat.
Good ending.

Now I want to read more. Good job, Lexie. Smile

-Always

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Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out
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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks always!!! i will fix it later!! (don't have time right now)

I'm thinking about quitting this story. no one likes it!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:50 pm    Post subject: :) Reply with quote

hey cool idk wat for u to fix u use suck rich text and good flewence ur so better than me

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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks tweety. You made my day!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pleaze pm me when the next chapter lz out

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