fun4eva
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 162
Reviews: 29
Country: India
195 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:37 am Post subject: the night at the villa.... |
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It was a tiring day at school. i came back home on Friday, threw my bag onto the bed and immediately called up my friend. "so, you coming today?" i asked. "well...." she began from the other end of the phone. "you have to! come on, you promised us" i said whining like a puppy that is searching for its lost mother.
"i can come but the thing is that i don't want to"
"oh come on i know you don't want to come because you want to read the new murder mystery book you got last night. come on Patricia, everyone's going to be there. you know you want to. you can get the book along with you"
That was so like Patricia. We were heading to Kim's aunty's beautiful villa for the rest of the weekend to chill out and all she could think was reading her book! If Patricia was given a whole library to her even that wouldn't be enough for her! I'm pretty sure if they stop publishing any more books now she can finish all of the existing ones by the time she is 90, if she remains alive that is!
Anyway, she finally agreed to come if we wouldn't tease her bookworm, thats what most of the girls do. On the way to the villa, Sharon and Patricia had a little fight because Sharon threw coffee on Patricia's book by mistake. At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire! I had never seen her so violent before...never!
The next day was completely out of control. We had a great time at the pool. The villa was so big that we did not get time to explore it completely. There was a beach a stone's throw away from the villa, where we spent most of our time playing volleyball and surfing. As it was getting dark we sat by the beach as Kim's aunt barbecued the chicken. That night, all the girls told us many scary stories. For once, Patricia's reading was put to good use! the stories Patricia told us were horrifying! The incidents taking place in the story was something that would have never crossed my mind.
At night we said our good nights and went to our rooms. I was sharing the room with Kim. Ours was the one just below the attic so there a lot of noises. I was sleeping soundly, when i heard a shrill voice..someone was screaming. This voice was most definitely not from the attic! I woke up Kim and told her. She said i was probably imagining things because of the stories but i was sure this wasn't my imagination. Kim is the kind of girl who will never admit she is wrong so i decided to investigate this myself. I went downstairs and saw a shadow in the kitchen. As i entered i saw the sight that sent chills down my spine-there lay Sharon's dead body and next to it stood Patricia with an evil smile on her face! |
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kittykat
la lalala la...
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240 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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First off, welcome to YWS fun4eva. ^_^
...Okay, back to the critique. The grammer in the begging was well... sort of awful. There were many places that need capitalaztion. At every start of a sentince, being said by someone or otherwise, should be started with a capital letter. The only time "I" doesn't need to be capitalized is when it's in a word like white.
This seems very rushed to me. First the main character was talking on the phone, then they were in a car and a new character came in, then they were in their rooms when the MC heard a scream! Where's the details? The suspense? Draw out the pictures for us so we can see what you intended the reader to read. What was it like when they were playing volley ball? What was the background? Who won? Was there an argument of some sort? What happened while they were surfing? What was the MC's thoughts on the chicken? It's like you just rushed to get something down without thinking about what we would think. Paint a picture usuing words to keep us interested. Slow down and describe things.
By the way, why is this in non-fiction? Shouldn't it be in the action/adventure forum instead? Or did you really see your friend's dead body in a kitchen of your other friend's aunt's villa?  If the MC said that everybody would be there, why are there only two of her friends going? This looks like it has potential-- if you would just slow down.
Well that's it... Oh! I almost forgot to add that your supposed to review two other pieces of work before you post something next time. ^_^ Happy reading!
-kittykat |
_________________
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar |
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TL G-Wooster
boh
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2007
Posts: 3621
Reviews: 821
Country: in Bavaria where the sheep seldom wear spectacles
609 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| i came back home on Friday, threw my bag onto the bed and immediately called up my friend. |
"i" should be a capital letter. It might be a good idea to put the friend's name here: "called up my friend Patricia."
| Quote: |
| "so, you coming today?" i asked. |
This should be, "So, you coming today?" I asked.
| Quote: |
| "well...." she began from the other end of the phone. |
This should be, "Well..." she began from the other end of the phone. Also, put this on a new paragraph.
| Quote: |
| "you have to! come on, you promised us" i said whining like a puppy that is searching for its lost mother. |
This should be on a new paragraph as well. Remember, always start a new paragraph when a new person starts talking. This line should be, "You have to! Come on, you promised us!" I said, whining like a puppy searching for its lost mother.
You used the right "its" here! Well done! 
| Quote: |
| "i can come but the thing is that i don't want to" |
This should be, "I can come, but the thing is, I don't want to."
| Quote: |
| "oh come on i know you don't want to come because you want to read the new murder mystery book you got last night. come on Patricia, everyone's going to be there. you know you want to. you can get the book along with you" |
Should be, "Oh, come on. I know you don't want to come because you want to read the new murder mystery book you got last night. Come on, Patricia, everyone's going to be there. You know you want yo. You can bring the book along with you."
| Quote: |
| We were heading to Kim's aunty's beautiful villa for the rest of the weekend to chill out and all she could think was reading her book! |
You use way too many exclamation marks in the narrative. Personally, I try to never use them as it looks rather childish, but other authors do, so I suppose you can get away with it. Just try not to misuse them, sa? 
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| If Patricia was given a whole library to her even that wouldn't be enough for her! |
This would be better as, If Patricia was given a whole library, that still wouldn't be enough for her. See, you don't need the exclamation mark here.
| Quote: |
| I'm pretty sure if they stop publishing any more books now she can finish all of the existing ones by the time she is 90, if she remains alive that is! |
Should be, I'm pretty sure that if they stop publishing books now, she would be able to finish all of the existing ones by the time she is ninety -- if she's still alive by then! Always write out numbers like this.
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| Anyway, she finally agreed to come if we wouldn't tease her bookworm, thats what most of the girls do. |
Tease her bookworm? That makes it sound like she has a pet bookworm that people tease. I think you meant, if we wouldn't tease her and call her bookworm...
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| At that moment, the anger in Patricia's eyes could set a piece of paper on fire! I had never seen her so violent before...never! |
Put a space after the ellipse (...) and cut out the exclamation marks.
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| The next day was completely out of control. |
Out of control? This makes it sound bears are attacking the villa and Iraqi paratroopers are landing on the beach and threatening to shoot everyone if they don't make them mint tea and cupcakes.
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| That night, all the girls told us many scary stories. |
This sounds like a sentence from my Latin book. Try and make your language sound more natural, like you could read it out loud. Perhaps you could change this to just, All the girls told scary stories.
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| For once, Patricia's reading was put to good use! the stories Patricia told us were horrifying! The incidents taking place in the story was something that would have never crossed my mind. |
Again, misuse of exclamation marks. These sentences should go, For once, Patricia's reading was put to good use. The stories she told us were horrifying. You can take out the last sentence, as it doesn't do much.
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| Ours was the one just below the attic so there a lot of noises. |
Why? What's in the attic that would make lots of noise?
| Quote: |
| I was sleeping soundly, when i heard a shrill voice..someone was screaming. |
This should go, I was sleeping soundly when I heard a shrill sound. Someone was screaming.
| Quote: |
| This voice was most definitely not from the attic! |
Take out the exclamation mark.
| Quote: |
| She said i was probably imagining things because of the stories but i was sure this wasn't my imagination. |
This should be, She said I was probably imagining things because of the stories, but I was sure this wasn't my imagination. Always, always, always capitalize I.
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| Kim is the kind of girl who will never admit she is wrong so i decided to investigate this myself. |
Should be, Kim is the kind of girl who will never admit she is wrong, so I decided to investigate this myself.
Now this is good, because by showing their actions here, we can see that the narrator (we're never told her name, btw) is brave and curious - she isn't content to just let the scream go and go back to sleep. She wants to find out what's wrong and doesn't mind getting out of bed in the middle of the night to do so. Character development.
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| As i entered i saw the sight that sent chills down my spine-there lay Sharon's dead body and next to it stood Patricia with an evil smile on her face! |
This would be better as two sentences. That way the second sentence has a greater impact. Make it, As I entered, I saw the sight that sent chills down my spine. There lay Sharon's dead body, and next to it stood Patricia with an evil smile on her face.
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This was very short - are you going to continue with it, or is this all? This has potential, but it needs work as well. You need to slow down, let the readers into the picture! You give us no details about anything. We don't even know the M/C's name. You don't have to give us her life history, hair colour, eye colour, favourite movie and preferred method for eating asparagus, but her name would be nice.
When you slow the narration down, there's opportunities to show us more about your characters. Like you did when the M/C first heard the scream in the night - you told us about Kim's character, but you showed us about the M/C's character, and showing is better than telling. ^_^
Don't be put off if this seems harsh. You can only learn to be better by making mistakes, and the more criticism you get, the better you become. I had had no criticism on my writing until I joined YWS, and the result was... not very pretty. ^_~ Having people politely telling me that my story needed improvement really helped me get better, although it sting at first.
Take a look around YWS and have a butcher's at all the stories on here. Some of them are fabulous, and I'm only waiting until they're published to get them on my bookshelf. If you have any questions, just PM me, and check out the Writing Tips and Tutorials. It would be a good idea to read the Rules as well. One of these Rule says that you must review at least two other people's stories before you post anything of your own, and try to keep a 2:1 ratio forever afterward. So, for every story or chapter or poem that you post, you must review at least two other pieces of work on here. Savvy?
See you around and enjoy the site! |
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Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson |
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