Topic ID: 33499
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zeppy♥yozora
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Posts: 30
Reviews: 12
Country: United States
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: Like You |
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:edit:
You just can't grasp the concept,
I am what I am,
No gimmicks, No labels
And no one understands,
The way I was then,
Isn't the same as now
I've changed in so many ways,
but I can't explain how
I want, what I want,
don't ask me why,
I just do,
Is it really, so hard,
To understand, that I'm just not you? |
Last edited by zeppy♥yozora on Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:35 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Sexy Sadie
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 37
Country: Liverpool, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Heya!
You just cant (can’t, don’t forget that comma) grasp the concept,
i am what i am, (capitalize both of ‘I’s)
no gimmicks, no labels (capitalize ‘no’) ( put comma after this line)
and no one understands, (capitalize ‘and’)
the way i was then, (capitalize ‘the’ and again ‘I’)
isn't the same as now (capitalize isn’t) (period after this line)
I've changed in so many ways,
but i cant explain how (capitalize ‘but’ and ‘I’) (period after this line)
i want, (cut the comma) what i want, (again, always capitalize ‘I’ when it stands alone)
dont ask me why, (dont: put comma between ‘n’ and ‘t’, and also capitalize)
i just do, (again, the ‘I’) (period instead of comma)
is it really, (cut comma, doesn’t sound good) so hard, (capitalize ‘is’)
to understand, (no comma, doesn’t flow too good) that im (I’m) just not you? (capitalize ‘to’)
It just didn't flow too smoothly. First the reader thinks 'she's not using spelling grammer with the i's and dont's' then the reader thinks 'this is not flowing too smoothly either with the misuse and lack of punctuation'.
But once you fix this and when the reader reads past the mistakes, it is a good poem.
-Sadie  |
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Qultur
Junior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 12
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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Since I'm lazy, I'm just gonna directly copy and paste another comment I posted on a different piece, since it applies here just as well.
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...because face it, if you were talking to one of your friends and they told you, describing how some guy kissed them as, "it happened so fast!" it wouldn't really have much of an impact. You'd really understand the impact of it if they said something like, "it felt like the sky opened up."
Understandably, you wouldn't usually talk metaphorically like that in normal conversation, but you have to understand that normal conversation and poetry are two seperate crafts. Poetry's boring as hell if you craft it in the way you could predict it like a conversation or whatnot... |
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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Put a period in there. You seemed to just be rambling on with commas like that little kid on the Incredibles that's like "and then...and then...and then..." Otherwise, I do like this poem, but you need to put a period after each complete thought.
You just can't grasp the concept (.)
I am what I am (.)
No gimmicks (,)
(Skip) No labels (,)
And no one understands(.)
The way I was then (no comma needed)
Isn't the same as now(.)
I've changed in so many ways,
but I can't explain how (.)
I want, what I want (.)
(D)on't ask me why(.)
I just do(.)
Is it really(no comma needed) so hard (no comma needed)
To understand (no comma needed) that I'm just not you?
Endnote: If you are going to have a poem that praises a single identity, it is best to be definite. Commas weaken your argument of YOU just being YOU and not anyone else. So you need a punctuation mark as strong as a period. Also, when in doubt leave the comma out. Every time you use a comma a little piece of your poem dies, and your great poem was on a dialysis machine writing it's last will and testament. Do you understand? NO MORE COMMAS!
Lovely poem, by the way. |
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, and the comma at
"I want, what I want"
Yeah, that comma between "want" and "what" isn't needed either. |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 446
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: Re: Like You |
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| zeppy♥yozora wrote: |
:edit:
You just can't grasp the concept,
I am what I am,
No gimmicks, No labels
And no one understands,
The way I was then,
Isn't the same as now
I've changed in so many ways,
but I can't explain how
I want, what I want,
don't ask me why,
I just do,
Is it really, so hard,
To understand, that I'm just not you? |
Nice message. Although it's a bit cliche. I suggest making it longer and adding something different to it so it stands out from other poems with the same message.
Also, the structure is a little odd. You write it as if it's one huge run-on sentence. Remember to use proper punctuation.
Will I be seeing more of you?  |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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Qultur
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 12
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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It seems my post was overlooked.
What don't you people understand in my explanation? This piece is like a monologue; "gimmick" and "label" are both abstract nouns, and cliches at that. There're no images in this; it's just a teenage rant broken up a bit so it fits into a stanza. |
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FallenDemon
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0
Country: U.S.
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
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| Amen! That is so true. |
_________________
I'm not in denial, I'm just selective about what I except. |
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