Topic ID: 33186
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Curlyqpride
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 Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:35 am Post subject: Passion Times Ten |
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Hey this is Curly! Before I start my poem I just want to let you know what it is about.
This poem is the poem that represents EXACTLY how a girl feels during a kiss. (Well, some  )
Notice how the words and sentences in the poem are all jumbled up; the reason for that is that the girl feels that way, all jumbled up.
What she is thinking in her mind is represented in this poem.
All the moments are basically happening like crazy to because this kiss is driving her wild. It really is not my best and a little rusty, but I hope you enjoy!
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Lips.
Such soft lips.
The smell of his cologne.
His fingers in your hair.
Such simple sensations.
Leaving you numb.
Stiff.
He takes the lead.
Passionate.
Fingers running down your arms.
Like rain.
“I want you, no… I need you.”
He says.
Your nose rubs against his.
He backs away for just a moment.
He stares in your eyes.
Forehead to forehead.
So heated.
Can’t breath.
Knees trembling.
His lips again.
You fall.
In his arms.
His eyes.
His green eyes.
So unreal.
Such a fantasy.
“Tell me you love me.” I say.
“I love you.”
“Tell me why.”
He stands up.
Stands straight.
“So many reasons.”
He stares at you again;
in wonderment.
You put your hands on his shoulder.
It was your turn.
You take the lead. |
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Last edited by Curlyqpride on Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:14 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Qultur
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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...if I were to be honest, then I'd have to say reading this made me kind of pissed.
Basically, it's cliched; I feel like I've read these words many times before, and could almost predict each one you used. The best example I could give you would be in the phrase "soft lips."
The idea of his fingers running down your arms like rain, however, is innovative. You have to run with that kind of original imagery; do his lips taste like rain too? Does his presence incite thunder behind your eyes? Maybe instead of just simply saying the format's because of the way the girl feels, you try and describe it as a storm, to make it more elaborate, make the reader feel more like they're there.
Because face it, if you were talking to one of your friends and they told you, describing how some guy kissed them as, "it happened so fast!" it wouldn't really have much of an impact. You'd really understand the impact of it if they said something like, "it felt like the sky opened up."
Understandably, you wouldn't usually talk metaphorically like that in normal conversation, but you have to understand that normal conversation and poetry are two seperate crafts. Poetry's boring as hell if you craft it in the way you could predict it like a conversation or whatnot. |
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:57 pm Post subject: oh |
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Ya, I understand, that is something I was actually worried someone would say, this is not my good work at all, but I was hoping it did show the feeling of a kiss.
The thing I did not understand is why would you pissed? The poem is supposed to be cliche, because it is the thought of a girl during a kiss 
The pissed thing was the only thing that confused, but other then that, ya i agree. Im a bit embarrased by it now. 
How do delete it? |
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Qultur
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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Heh sorry that I came off a bit harsh; not having much of a great couple of days. Personal shiz.
I'm not sure if you can delete these things, but don't worry about it; everyone writes some things they may not like from time to time. Trust me, I know from personal experience. |
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Lulu|Luck
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: good |
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This is really good I love how realistic it is
and the guy takes the first lead and the girl takes the second
such soft lips it sounds so romantic  
it is really truly adorable and I like how
on your portfolio you said you like writing adventures and romantic the bolded word really is true in this poem to show that when you enjoy doing something you keep doing it and keep getting better and better
YAY!!!!
-Lulu |
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: lol |
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 I still think it is horrible, I wish I never posted it. |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: Heh |
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Honestly, I don't know why I read this poem. I guess it was out of curiousity, ha ha.
But, hey, no worries, don't regret posting it, I was laughing my butt off through the whole thing! Good comedy.
No, but seriously, I didn't laugh at it (but a light chuckle may have slipped out). Personally, it was cheesy, and sentimental, and so "soft," and you know what? It had a certain truth to it. Sometimes emotions ARE sentimental and cheesy. I mean, there's a reason it's called cliche, it's because they are saying and feelings that EVERYBODY feels. I mean, look at Harry Potter, it was basically a book of standard literary allusions and metaphors and everyone loves it (except me, ha ha!). I like that it was cheesy, I think a girl who was just kissed would be HELLA cheesy. Hell, I'm so cheesy after a kiss I literally sing (it's embarrassing, but hey, you exposed yourself, I will too.)
That "You take the lead" business, ooo, that had me going. I was like "OOOOOO!" and i said that out loud for your information, my mom thought I was crazy. You meant to be sentimental and cheesy, and you succeeded beautifully. Congrats.
Now,  I guess it's your turn to take the lead.
HAHAHAHA! |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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| I LOVE the structure of this poem, the random lines, the segments. Great way to do it. Lol that makes me what to try and write something like that =) but not only is the structure good, the poem is too. Very passionate. And people are telling you its cheesy or cliche, don't pay them any mind. It was good ^^ and though it may be a little overdone, the whole intoxicating love thing, the way you portrayed it was excellent and the sporadic positioning of the lines adds to probably the confusing, mind-botteling affect one might feel whilst in the position of the narrator. Very nice affect. I liked it. |
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KBrowlingmeyerFAN
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:45 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this was really good.
Ignore the people saying it was cheesy. I know many girls say the exact same thing, trust me my friends do every single time. Can't relate on a personal level with the kiss, but I've heard many descriptions and none was as beautiful, or entertaining as yours.
It was really a very cute moment in the story where the noses touched and he pulled back just to look.
And I liked how it just slipped back into the serious of the kiss.
I also liked the rain description. I dance in rainstorms all the time, and if the guy I loved reminded me of rain, I'd be head over heels for him.
This really was such an adorable and romantic poem, I enjoyed it very much.
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