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letsPaintTheTown
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 Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:40 am Post subject: I'll Sing You a Song Tonight (Chapter 1--Sing for Me) |
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"Ethan! Wake up, man! We need to get on the road!" Seth shook his bandmate, finally deciding to just slap him a couple times with the pillow, safely tucked in a green and black plaid pillowcase.
Ethan flipped off the covers, swung his legs over the bed, and stood up, stretching his long, muscular arms to the sky. He had green eyes and shaggy blonde hair. Brushing his bangs out of his eyes, he pulled on a plain white shirt, grabbed his guitar and he and the boys walked out of the apartment and onto the tour bus. Their first gig was at a club in Jersey. Tony, the owner, said it was called Fret It.
Tim had the first shift at driving. Seth, Ethan, and Brian sat on the edges of their beds, tuning guitars, checking the microphone, and banging drumsticks around anything that was immobile.
After three more shifts, the guys arrived at Fret It. Sneaking in the back, they quickly set the stage to play. Brian peeked through the curtains.
"There are about one hundred people out there, guys. Are you sure we're ready for this? This is our first real gig." he said.
Ethan shrugged. "Let's make the most of it. You ready?"
The guys nodded. Tony got on the stage, clapping his hands wildly. "Are you ready for..." he paused for effect. "KILLER VORTEX!!!!!"
They took their places in front of the screaming girls and already drunk old men who only came for the beer.
"Are you ready to ROCK tonight, Jersey?" Tim's voice boomed through the speakers. In response to the question, he got a hundred screams and about a million claps. He nodded to Brian to start drumming. Brian nodded to Seth. And Seth to Ethan.
Tim wrapped his hands around the microphone stand, serenading to his first real audience. "Take me out tonight, baby. Make it quick, it's getting hazy. Oh, take me out tonight. Make my dreams come true and I'll give back to you."
Two hours later, after the band had played three encores, the boys went backstage, wiping beads of sweat from their foreheads with the mini towels Tony supplied.
"That was amazing!" Seth shouted. The boys bodied slammed each other, their way of showing pride.
Ethan wasn't celebrating, though. He saw someone--a woman--across the room. Her tiny hands fumbled with the lens cap of her Nikon 360 camera. She slipped it into her bag, slung it over her shoulders, and walked out of the club. Ethan ran after her. |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:14 am Post subject: |
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"Seth shook his bandmate, finally deciding to just slap him a couple times with the pillow, safely tucked in a green and black plaid pillowcase."
How about: "Seth shook is bandmate. Then, he finally decided to slap him a couple of times with his pillow, safely tucked within a green and black plaid pillowcase."
"He nodded to Brian to start drumming. Brian nodded to Seth. And Seth to Ethan. "
How about: "He nodded to Brian to start drumming; Brian nodded to Seth; and Seth to Ethan."
Well, that's all the problems I had. It's apparent that you edit before you post, something a lot of people don't do. Uh, seems like a really interesting start, I really don't know whats gonna happen next, I'm so excited! aha, I wonder if Ethan's a vampire, eh? ha ha. Well, keep up the good work.
Also, on a personal note, I dunno what's going on with my comp, but I don't think I can friend people, eh? So I suppose I'll just check on what you've posted by and by when ever I can. Have fun, eh?
Good job. |
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letsPaintTheTown
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: |
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I've never liked the word then. I just don't think it's a good way to start a sentence, for some reason. But thanks for the tip. 
Oh, true, true. I always forget to use semi colons, haha!
Hmm, good guess, but you'll find outttt.
Cool. Thanks, again, for taking the time to read my work! |
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Xena
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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dont listne to yatta ay... listen to me!!!
"Seth shook his bandmate, finally deciding to just slap him a couple times with the pillow, safely tucked in a green and black plaid pillowcase."
How about: "Seth shook is bandmate. Then, he finally decided to slap him a couple of times with his pillow, safely tucked within a green and black plaid pillowcase."
well first, the type of pillowcase the pillow case is in really doesnt matter, unless it comes back as a twist at the end... which would be interessting.. but.. if you want to leave it in.. i would of worded it like... "seth started to shake his bandmate, but decided to just hit him a few times with his pillow, w.. actually. personally i would just delete that whole line. as far as we know, it doesnt add anything, but its enough to make us think it does, which creates a weird situation for all of us. you knwo what im saying. so unless this gives the atmosphere somesort of vibe im not feeling, or the story comes back to this pillow case, id delete it! everything else i saw was fine i guess.... but anyway.. toodles |
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letsPaintTheTown
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the feedback once again!
I added the type of pillowcase for a reason you will see... dun dun dun, haha. Well, I also really like describing things. I'm good at descriptions. =) |
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: Re: I'll Sing You a Song Tonight (Chapter 1--Sing for Me) |
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Hey LetsPaintTheTown! Welcome to YWS!
I'm scasha!
My review key is as follows:
red = comments
bold = words I've inserted that I think work better.
Let's do this thing!
| letsPaintTheTown wrote: |
"Ethan! Wake up, man! We need to get on the road!" Seth shook his bandmate. Ethan just rolled back over onto his side, waving off Seth's call. Finally Seth decided to just slap him a couple times with Whose pillow? Seth's or Ethan's? I'd also scratch the part where you describe the color. the pillow, safely tucked in a green and black plaid pillowcase.
Ethan flipped off the covers, swung his legs over the bed, and stood up, stretching his long, muscular arms to the sky. He had green eyes and shaggy blonde hair. Brushing his blonde bangs out of his green eyes, he pulled on a plain white shirt, grabbed his guitar and he and the boys walked out of the apartment and onto the tour bus. Their first gig was at a club in Jersey. Tony, the owner, said it was called Fret It. Love the name of the club!
Tim had the first shift at driving. Seth, Ethan, and Brian sat on the edges of their beds, tuning guitars, checking the microphone, and banging drumsticks around on anything that was immobile.
After three more shifts, the guys arrived at Fret It. Sneaking in the back, they quickly set the stage to play. Brian peeked through the curtains.
"There are about one hundred people out there, guys. Are you sure we're ready for this? This is our first real gig." he said.
Ethan shrugged. "Let's make the most of it. You ready?"
The guys nodded. Tony got on the stage, clapping his hands wildly. "Are you ready for..." he paused for effect. "KILLER VORTEX!!!!!"
They took their places in front of the screaming girls and already drunk old men who only came for the beer.
"Are you ready to ROCK tonight, Jersey?" Tim's voice boomed through the speakers. In response to the question, he got a hundred screams and about a million claps. He nodded to Brian to start drumming. Brian nodded to Seth. And Seth to Ethan.
Tim wrapped his hands around the microphone stand, serenading to his first real audience. "Take me out tonight, baby. Make it quick, it's getting hazy. Oh, take me out tonight. Make my dreams come true and I'll give back to you."
Two hours later, after the band had played three encores, the boys went backstage, wiping beads of sweat from their foreheads with the mini towels Tony supplied.
"That was amazing!" Seth shouted. The boys bodied slammed each other, their way of showing pride.
Ethan wasn't celebrating, though. He saw someone--a woman--across the room. Her tiny hands fumbled with the lens cap of her Nikon 360 camera. She slipped it into her bag, slung it over her shoulders, and walked out of the club. Ethan ran after her. |
Overall:
I like the idea! It's really original! Anyway, here are some additional suggestions:
Slow it down: This all was very rushed. They got on a band bus, got off, played, and then he ran after a girl all in less than 1,000 words. It was just too fast. Add more dialogue, more action, so we can get to know the characters better.
Who are they?: Show us more emotions, show us who they are, I want to know more about this band. all I know is what Ethan looks like and that they're a band and that's it. Work on emotions, thoughts, and actions so we can see who they are.
Other than that, good job! Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, PM me! |
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ashleylee
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, there. I don't think I have ever seen you around here yet so I guess I should say "Hi!"
But back your story...
I just copy/pasted and will go a review like that: 
((all corrections in bold))
"Ethan! Wake up, man! We need to get on the road!" Seth shook his bandmate, finally deciding to just slap him a couple times with the pillow, safely tucked in a green and black plaid pillowcase.
Ethan flipped off the covers, swung his legs over the bed, and stood up, stretching his long, muscular arms to the sky. He had green eyes and shaggy blonde hair. Very Random...try, when you are describing what they look like, using a more subtle approach. Just saying that he has green eyes and shaggy blonde hair...I don't know. It just stood out to me in this paragraph. Brushing his bangs out of his eyes, he pulled on a plain white shirt, grabbed his guitar and he and the boys walked out of the apartment and onto the tour bus. Their first gig was at a club in Jersey. Tony, the owner, said it was called Fret It.
Tim had the first shift at driving. Seth, Ethan, and Brian sat on the edges of their beds, tuning guitars, checking the microphone, and banging drumsticks around anything that was immobile.
After three more shifts, the guys arrived at Fret It. Sneaking in the back, they quickly set the stage to play. Brian peeked through the curtains.
"There are about one hundred people out there, guys. Are you sure we're ready for this? This is our first real gig." comma instead of a period after "gig". he said.
Ethan shrugged. "Let's make the most of it. You ready?"
The guys nodded. Tony got on the stage, clapping his hands wildly. "Are you ready for..." he paused for effect. "KILLER VORTEX!!!!!" hehe...I like that name! It made me laugh!
They took their places in front of the screaming girls and already drunk old men who only came for the beer.
"Are you ready to ROCK tonight, Jersey?" Tim's voice boomed through the speakers. In response to the question, he got a hundred screams and about a million claps. He nodded to Brian to start drumming. Brian nodded to Seth. And Seth to Ethan.
Tim wrapped his hands around the microphone stand, serenading to his first real audience. "Take me out tonight, baby. Make it quick, it's getting hazy. Oh, take me out tonight. Make my dreams come true and I'll give back to you."
Have like a break line here, signifying that time has passed.
Two hours later, after the band had played three encores, the boys went backstage, wiping beads of sweat from their foreheads with the mini towels Tony supplied.
"That was amazing!" Seth shouted. The boys bodied slammed each other, their way of showing pride.
Ethan wasn't celebrating, though. He saw someone--a woman--across the room. Her tiny hands fumbled with the lens cap of her Nikon 360 camera. She slipped it into her bag, slung it over her shoulders, and walked out of the club. Ethan ran after her.
OVERVIEW
Okay, this was good. But I found it too short. You didn't really get into any of your plot or character personalities. I found Brian, Seth, Ethan, and Tim all to be the same. I couldn’t differ between any of them. Also, there was very few detail. You rushed through everything, which made it hard for the story to grow on you.
My advise would be to expand, first of all. Next, describe the club, the people, the sounds, smells, sights. Stuff like that. Go into your characters minds as well. Get inside their heads. Differ them from each other.
Other than that, you have a pretty good start, but you need to add more for it to become a story.
Hope that helped and Keep Writing!  |
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