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ASH1397
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 Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: Vampires before midnight. |
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The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Vamporer was my first elder. He bitten by bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion bitten by wolf came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them lycans. Humans have hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all. i know that there are more covens. And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both lycans and humans. If i can beat time I can save the race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven destroyed. My rage inflamed. the humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. if only there were something to drink from. The moon lights my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook at makes me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn drifted in the very faint distance.My vision blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak.
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they turned a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. the legend was true... my eyes turned. i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. Not another coven I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire but lycans as well. my mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a house together as one. i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. "At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same. "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing thatwould separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane
I ran back to the cave without an answer from any one.Iwent Backto my cave with out an answer.
to Be Continued.... |
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Last edited by ASH1397 on Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:36 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Wang Chung
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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The writing was quite good, however, you have made many grammar errors, so you need to look over this a couple times and fix them. I wish you would have described the fight scene in more detail, too. Saying, "The next thing I knew they were all dead," just doesn't cut it.
You MAJORLY need to develop your character. I didn't even know whether your character was male or female!
The whole "vampire vs. werewolves" and the whole vampire genre in general has become very stale. Try adding some of your own mythology to the genre, make it different, interesting.
Overall, I think with several touch ups, this could become intersting. But right now, it's mediocre at best. |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: |
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Yes, exactly. Amanda you need to describe the character better but you have to string it out. It's a girl right? I remember reading it before but it sure sounded like a girl. Please, try harder on the fight seen. If you need help on it I can possibly give you advice. Come upstairs with the computer and I can help you.
Okay, it's continued? Sometimes after reading it on draft, on the written version when you wrote it out but you didn't get nearly as much as I had hoped you to.
Come upstairs, like I said and I'll help you, that is if my aunt will let you. She'll probable be cool with it though.
Good start from what you had though,
-Amber |
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ASH1397
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey guys I'm going to continue! |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Have you fixed what we're trying to tell you about? And aren't you going to like say after your to be continued...
...continued. It would help.
-Amber |
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Cobra
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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yeah you need to develop your character more. We don't even know their name. Also, explaining the basis for your story would improve it a lot e.g Why are humans trying to kill vampires? What clans are there? Where did Lycans and vampires originally come from? Also you should make the races more equal so that the main character doesn't just breeze through easily killing Lycans. There has to be an element of difficulty or a struggle rather than a walk in the park
Finally, you need some ideas of your own. The "vampire vs werewolf" theme is from Underworld: Eternal War. Its better if you have a new angle rather than copying what other people have done.
Good Luck
from Cobra |
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Krupp
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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A few grammar issues were in there, but I won't harp about character development because everyone else has already tagged that..
I think this piece needs a tad bit more showing than telling. You're explaining everything and not revealing anything to us. Use dialogue to shows us information we wouldn't already know.
That would defenitely improve this. |
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Sorsha2
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I was reading your piece and for someone so young I am blown away by your writing abilities - though it was far from perfect (grammatically speaking) its incredible given how young you are so definately keep writing 
But then I was immediately turned off by one small detail.
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| Vamporer was my first elder. He bitten by bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion bitten by wolf came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them lycans. Humans have hated us for centuries. |
This sounds waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much like the movie Underworld to me.
I understand what it means to be inspired by a concept you either see or read and you get an urge to take the concept and mold it into something that is your own, but those three lines I've quoted above killed it all for me. You couldn't even stay away from the similarities in the names?
Vamporer/ Victor & Lucion/Lucian?
Lycans as well? Yes, okay it can be argued that the man who wrote the screenplay didn't invent the word 'lycan' since the other word for werewolf is 'lycanthropes' (everyone can check Wiki if they'd like) but the fact that it was used in such a famous movie will immediatley have everyone's thoughts changing gears towards Underworld rather then your story. Using the similiar names for the leaders of the covens doesn't help either.
Aside from that, I think your writing (although very raw and unrefined due to your youth and inexperience) is very, very good and it shows that you have a passion and a gift. Keep writing, write as much as possible & whenever you get the urge and I guarantee you will get so much better as you grow and develop.
Trust me, when you reach 20 and look back on your material from nearly a decade ago, you'll see exactly what I mean
Cheers. |
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Sorsha2
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, sorry - one more thing I wanted to point out to help you with this piece.
You have a great imagination, but your scentences are too short and makes the flow feel kind of choppy and that detracts from the quality.
| Quote: |
| Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. |
Now, this is how you can take the above and blend some of the scentences together so it doesn't.feel.so.broken.up. ...
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours and night had finally come once again. I stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled, I could tell he was only yards away and so I ran far into the deepest part of the forest only to find that my instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight, the fur on their backs were as black as night itself with eyes that glowed red from the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood from the fresh kill that laid at thier feet and was torn limb from limb.
(I added a few words in bold to link a few of the scentences together; change a few redundancies or provide a bit more description. All of my suggestions are purely optional and only provided to give you an understand of what it is I am trying to explain in my comments). |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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No: Is this story supposed to carry similarities to Underworld? Nevertheless, there were a lot of grammatical errors and a lot of places where it was hard to understand what you were talking about. You really need to step away from the story for a bit, come back and get a red marker and just edit like crazy. I'd do it for you, but I'm a bit lazy today.
Yes: In concerns to critique on the actual content, I think it was pretty solid. It's interesting and I do want to hear more, but be very careful in shifts in tense, capitalization, sentence structure, etc. The idea itself is good. I see where you are going with it and that's great.
No: Writing in the first person is kind of tough, I think, because what "I" may be seeing may not be what we are seeing. So, please make setting a bit more clear, because it seemed to jump from place to place and thought to thought. Try smoothing it out a bit, the more details the better. Even if you start to get long and winded, because we have no idea where the story is, it won't be taxing to us. You can also reveal the way a character looks by subtle hints, instead of just "he wore a suit, long and back and had eyes as dark as his soul" (totally improvised) you could say "'Come here.' he smiles, tugging the sides of his long back suit. His dark soulless eyes called to me" Something like that. Describing setting/characters doesn't have to be boring.
Just a note for the rest of the novel/story, be in tune to character development. What may happen is that youu characters come out superficial and end up just being vague would-be-great characters with no personality and no logical motives....in essence you characters should contain all the elements of any living human being: different wants, dreams, thought processes, motives, quirks, etc.
Just remember we are all snowflakes, different in almost every way.
But all in all, nice work. Kudos. It's a fabulous beginning. |
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laura claridge
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: Re: Vampires before midnight. |
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Last edited by laura claridge on Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:40 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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laura claridge
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: Re: Vampires before midnight. |
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| Quote: |
| The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made. |
I knew what you were getting at, but the wording confused me a bit.
| Quote: |
| He bitten by bat became |
He was bitten by a bat and became?
| Quote: |
| His brother Lucion bitten by wolf came |
same as before, His brother, Lucion, was bitten by a wolf and became.
| Quote: |
| Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak. |
it was a bit quick, don't you think? It could've been more detailed and taken longer to read.
| Quote: |
| ."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head. |
This makes the character seem very up themselves. It made the whole bit seem kind of pointless, as why would the character bother fighting if they could just shoot them anyway?
Other than that, and a few punctuation mistakes which could be cured through use of a BETA reader, I liked the idea of the plot. I'm a lover of vampires and werewolves, so would love to see where you have this heading. |
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For God's sake, live a little. Actually, fuck it. Live a lot. While you can. |
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dommy65
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Okay so you've definitely have talent for this sort of thing. It was really good, a little confusing at parts but still really good. I just got really ridiculously confused during the dialogue.
So, here's a really annoyingly long critique.
| Quote: |
The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made.
Vamporer was my first elder. He WAS bitten by bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. His brother Lucion (option, either insert a comma after lucion and another after wolf,and add a after by, or you can put was after lucion) bitten by wolf came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them (comma) lycans. Humans have hated us for centuries. Now both us nor them are safe. We live in fear to save our kind before there isn't time at all. i know that there are more covens. And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both lycans and humans. If i can beat time I can save the race of vampires. The fires roared on and my coven destroyed. My rage inflamed. the humans who did this will be dead.
I am in search for another coven to help me. I have gone several days without the taste of blood in my mouth. if only there were something to drink from. The moon lights my path. The blue on it is very settle. My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook at makes me drift towards the moon. My body froze. A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. As I awoke dawn drifted in the very faint distance.My vision blurred. I saw a nearby cave, I ran to it for shelter.
Day slowly passed. I slept for several hours. Night had finally come once again. i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. I ran far into the deepest part of the forest. My instincts were right. I had run into a small pack of lycans. Their teeth shone in the moonlight. The fur on their backs were as black as night itself. Their eyes were blood red of the thirst. Their snouts were splattered with blood. Wounds and scars covered their faces and bodies. Their hind feet were angled as if ready to attack. Rapidly they circled me several times then they jumped and attacked me. My hands had been at my sides of some time. The first one that had came at me I had stabbed in the chest with one hand and flipped him over with the other hand. The other ones had no much better luck. All of a sudden they attacked at me from several directions. One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. Another jumped on top of me and threw me to the ground. It jumped on top of me and tried to bite me, knowing that it would kill me. I put my knives in what looked like an "X" and sliced open his chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As the last one ran from the head spattered scene, I looked down at my knives. They were blood stained. I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak.
I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands (comma) some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. I looked into my own eyes... they turned a bright blue. Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. (awkward sentence, it was very confusing. maybe add commas, or separate it into two sentences?) the legend was true... my eyes turned. i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world.
I ran on. In the far distance I saw a fire. the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. Guns were going off. Black smoke drifted up some sort of mountain. Red flames burst into color as the fire expanded. Not another coven (indicate thought somehow so as the person reads it they know what’s going on, maybe use italics?) I thought. I swiftly ran down the mountain. To my surprise not only had humans started this fire (comma) but lycans as well. my mind was trapped by them. The coven like my own (comma after coven and after own) was helpless. And as I closed in on the scene I realized that few but enough men and women had escaped out of the enormous house since one coven lived in a house together as one. i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. "At least hear me out!!" I shouted. "Where do you come from?" A black haired man asked. "The clan of darkness!" Said restraining my self from grabbing my knives and killing him on the spot. Silence fell. The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. No one breathed.
"Y-you come from-?" The same black haired man stuttered in shock. "Yes the last of my clan. WHat clan do you come from?" I asked. No one answered my question. The same haired man got on his knees and bowed towards me. The other people did the same. "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. "It is said that there would stand one of the clan of darkness that would lead us to our victory." I stared at this man. Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing thatwould separate us from the humans. " We must stand together or perish." I said strenly. "Says who and why?!!" A man shouted from the crowd. "If we don't more humans and lycans will. Other covens will be at stake. And we will be extinct." Everyone looked up at me like I was insane
I ran back to the cave without an answer from any one.Iwent Backto my cave with out an answer (repeated sentence?) |
So, I hope all of this makes sense, if you have any questions feel free to pm me.
I really hope to read more of this.
~Dommy  |
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MissMorose
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: Review |
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| Quote: |
| The fires roared. The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. Then all of a sudden, silence. I am the last of my kind. Our race will end with me unless other covens haven't been extinct by humanity. We are immortals. And we are also cursed by it. We have been hunted by man since our leaders were made. |
This was a bit confusing... You seem to be going for a panicky sort of mood, (that's what I get off it)
Also, the story does sound alot like Underworld. Not because of the word 'lycan' but just because you haven't made the whole myth your own yet. I(f you twist it the wrong way, you might end up with Twilight again though).
Try talking more about the feud more, and make it more personal.
Other than that, this is a good base for a story, but explore your characters more. I really look forward to reading the rest of this! |
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Sexy Sadie
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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'Lo Ash!
| Quote: |
| The only other thing that could be heard was screams of fear that rang in the air. |
Instead of 'was screams of fear', use 'were the screams of fear'. It sounds better.
Also, 'in' is very bland, try using a more interesting word like 'throughout'. 
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| I am the last of my kind. |
This sentence should be the start of a new paragraph. The sentences before don't seem to go with it very well.
| Quote: |
| He bitten by bat became the leader of all the covens of vampires. |
'He, (add that comma) bitten by bat, (add that other comma, then continue on with your sentence as you have written it)
| Quote: |
| His brother Lucion bitten by wolf came the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them lycans |
'His brother, (comma) Lucion, (Yet again another comma) bitten by wolf, (comma!  ) became (add that be in there) the leader of werewolves, or as vampires know them, (last comma!) lycans.'
(Sorry, me = comma freak!  )
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| i know that there are more covens. |
Uppercase 'I', hon.
| Quote: |
| And as I travel i hope to unite us as one to defeat both lycans and humans. |
Again, that 'I',  .
| Quote: |
| If i can beat time I can save the race of vampires. |
You need to work on those 'I's.
| Quote: |
| the humans who did this will be dead. |
Capitalize the 'the' since it is the beginning of a new sentence.
| Quote: |
| if only there were something to drink from |
Capitalize 'if', again it's the beginning of a new sentence.
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| My eyes draw towards the sky. And every star that I loook at makes me drift towards the moon. |
First, 'loook' should be 'look', and second, start off the second sentence with just 'every', the 'and' doesn't look good there.
Since this is in the tense it is, 'froze' should be 'freezes'.
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| A darkening chill ran up and down my back several times. |
Runs, not ran, since it is, again, in the tense that it is.
| Quote: |
| times.My eyes drafted heavily.and i folded into a dead faint. |
First, there is no space in between the 'times' and the period. Second, take away the period between 'heavily' and 'and' and add a comma in between (Should look like this 'heavily, and'). And lastly, 'I' needs to be capitalized!
distance.(space)My
| Quote: |
| i stepped out silently from my lurky darkness. |
Fisrt, 'I' needs to be capitalized, and second, by 'lurky' do you mean 'murky'? Lurky is not a word.
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| A wolf in close range howled i could tell he was only yards away. |
This should be two sentences, the second one starting with the uncapitalized 'I', which should also be capitalized, by the way.
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| My hands had been at my sides of some time. |
Maybe 'for some time' instead of 'of some time'?
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| One lurched at me from my left and I put out my knife and it sliced it's head off. |
That 'it's' should just be 'its'.
| Quote: |
| chest.I stood up, and another came at me."I am tired of this."I said. |
There are no spaces between any of these sentences.
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| So I took out my gun and shot off his head.The last one looked at the dead body,and ran away.As |
Also, as with almost all of the sentences here, there are no spaces. Also, don't start a sentence with 'so' when the person is not speaking, it doesn't sound too good.
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| I cleaned them with a piece of cloth that i ripped off of my cloak. |
The 'I' dear, needs to be capitalized.
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| I ran to a nearby pond so i could wash my hands some of the blood had seeped through the thin piece of fabric. After i had washed my hands i stared into the water. |
There are three I's in these two sentences that need to be capitalized.
| Quote: |
| Some vampire legend that was passed down to me several centuries ago after I had been turned into a vampire one of the legends said it was few chosen to have the destiny to be the last of their coven would surely also be chosen to bring back to life the whole race of vampires before time ran out to save it. |
'Tis majorly a run on sentence. Split it up a bit.
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| the legend was true... my eyes turned. |
Capitalize 'the' since it is the beginning of a sentence.
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| i was the last remaining of my coven now all I need to do is just save all the covens in the world. |
Those darn I's! (Capitalize).
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| the closer I got to it the more I Heard screaming and yelling. |
First, capitalize 'the', second, 'heard' should be uncapitalized.
| Quote: |
| my mind was trapped by them. |
Capitalize 'my'.
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| i went towards them to ask if they could join another coven. |
(Psst!  , that 'I' should be capitalized).
| Quote: |
| "At least hear me out!!" |
Only one exclamation point.
| Quote: |
| The whisp of the trees was the only thing heard. |
'Whisp' is spelt 'wisp'.
| Quote: |
| WHat clan do you come from?" |
Uncapitalize that 'H' in what.
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| "Why are you kneeling to ME?!" i shouted. |
First, ME should be me , second, choose one or the other of the '?!'.
| Quote: |
| Then i thought to myself darkness was the only thing thatwould separate us from the humans. |
Fisrt, the 'I' again, second, 'that would'.
'Strenly' is spelt 'Sternly'.
| Quote: |
| "Says who and why?!!" |
Just one punctuation point is needed here, I would pick the quesion mark.
| Quote: |
| one.Iwent Backto my cave with out an answer. |
Here, I'll just rewrite this one for you. 'one. I went back to my cave without an answer.'
Okaaaay... 
Besides all of the grammer (make sure to use spell check next time), this story was also extremely rushed!
Develope charectors better! As the crit above, I could not tell if this was a man or a woman.
Also use more description, and when a different person starts talking in dialouge, that should be the start of a new paragraph (sorry I didn't put that up there... too lazy  )
Develope this story more and don't continue on with this until you've fixed this first part up.
-Sadie  |
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