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lxtmidnight
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 Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: Nightsong |
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Thank you everybody for all of your help. I really appreciate the good feedback. But since I'm planning to send this one off, I've got to get it off the internet. |
Last edited by lxtmidnight on Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:36 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Sorsha2
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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.... omg.
Dude - I am blown away. I loved this - and if you check my reviews you'll see that I'm pretty sparing with high praise until I am truly astounded.
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Never trust the night.
It had been common knowledge of the people of Cyris since the Great City’s dawning, the unspoken rule of thumb, for the Night was a stealthy creature. In its lightless, latent nature, its perfidious ways, there was no sense of safety, no trace of assurance. The Night was treacherous, utterly deceitful in character and ruthless in conduct. |
Such a strong opening paragraph.
You have a wonderful way with words, the flow and the pace was perfect, I loved the way you used imagery to describe the turmoil, you gave us so much in such a short piece. I seriously think that THIS has soooooooooo much potential. If you haven't even touched it as far as editing is concerned then I am so jealous because its fabulous.
Seriously consider submitting this to an agent one day - if the rest of the story flows as well as this prologue did then I will stand by my statement. Seriously.
I am going to look over it again and see if I can pull out any glaring mistakes - but I enjoyed it so much that I didn't even notice if there were any to be had.
Gold star!!  (ps - the title is pretty intriguing, I might suggest keeping it unless you think of something better or more suitable). |
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lxtmidnight
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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wow...thanks for that!
Glad you liked it so much, I'll definitely keep working at it now  |
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Xena
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: |
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ok first of all... sarsha, youre a moron... no lol jk!... no its a good story.. the opening paragraph though, might be a little too much. like, your saying a lot, well youre saying alot in one sentence... and what i got out of it was.. night time in syria is bad? correct? but why? im sure you dont wnat to reveal too much yet but.. i dont know... I had to go over it twice, it came off as jumbled, just a bunch of big words(tho a pretty good choice fo big words) thrown around here and there, then another clause saying the same thing, then something about thumbs... i believe if you word it better, or structure it better it might come off smoother... and with the end of the story... i got confused as what she... or actually where, she actually was. was she standing above a cliff, or just standing in the river? it was kinda rough and jumpy... and then you have some pretty good imagery of the weather, but im not sure if there were some time lapses in there.. but first it was thundering like all hell, and then the night was calm, and then the black waves or something beat against something, bu tthen the ocean was calm..
"and they burned her cheeks as the fell" now whats taht all about huh?
over all good story kudos.. but yea, i dont know if it was just me, but the whole part where she was drounding was rough.. like i ddint know what exactly was happening.. buti got the gist of it.. kudos |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:21 am Post subject: |
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"She WAS a poison to the world, poison…"
Change that, need the "was" there.
"her nails breaking its skin as she broke once again into a run."
She broke the babies' skin or her skin? Clarify. I would be crying if I was a baby. That kid is a trooper.
"Sira held the baby away from her by the ankle as she prepared to drown the child…"
You need to not put ellipses here. It's not Sira's thought, so it's not needed. It's a fact that's happening and it's totally a mood killer. "couldn't...this" Get rid of those ellipses and put a period and capitalize "This"
"cheeks as the(y) fell."
Just put that "y" there, and we are solid.
"She trembled as the storm winds washed over her….She couldn’t do it…her stomach was lurching, she was going to be sick with weakness, but she couldn’t do it………"
What? ellipses are only THREE dots, no more and no less, anything else is dumb. Also, don't put ellipses here either. You only need them for stylistic reasons on VERY RARE occasions. Usually when you are digressing or trailing off, when a thought is not complete. You always have complete thoughts, so it doesn't make any sense. If you want to do it to give words gravity, you don't need to. It's just excessive because you end up using it and the gravity of the phrase loses it's meaning.
Example: She looked at the baby, it's eyes glistening in radiant innocence; such a creature would die beneath the watchful eye of the night and the storm...
The storm still raged, hungry to seal it's fate.
Like that, I was digressing, going on and on about the baby and night and etc, and then I was like woops! back to the story.
Actually in the last "but she couldn't do it..." It was okay to have it there. (BUT ONLY THREE DOTS)
"The baby…"
PERFECTO! It's like you were listening to me!
"Sira’s heart flooded with remorse as she fought through the current. This was not what she wanted…her child was not going to die at her hands…There."
This is just bad. ellipses everywhere and incoherent because of the ellipses. (random "There" pft.)
AHHH NO MORE ELLIPSES, Go through your story and just cut 'em out. I hate them they TOTALLY took away from it. I'm really angry that I continued reading because there were more ellipses at the end and they shouldn't be there. You don't need to make a sentence Choppy like that. Periods are your friends, no ellipses. "..."'s do not magically smooth out your thoughts, TRANSITION words do. Don't do this again.
The only reason I am really pissed about the ellipses is because I was actually REALLY into your story and the moment I saw one it brought me right out of it again, and then I would be captivated once more and then there would be that damned ellipse again! Please, stay clear of these things. You've got a wonderful way with words and great creativity and it really kills me that you'd lessen/cheapen it all because of damn punctuation. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
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Oh, Yatta beat me to the punch on all that little stuff
Overall this was an amazing piece, I absolutely loved it! Gold star! I really like the opening paragraph and the hook sentence, they were really draw the reader in. You have are definitely skilled in descriptions and this piece really flows. Great job!
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| ....also, is a baby supposed to be referred to as "it"? I know I've used 'it' for the kid in the story, but it sounds messed up |
Yes, a baby can be referred to as "it", kinda like a dog . Most of the time though, a baby/dog is on called "it" if the gender is unknown and you already made clear that the baby was a girl. I think you're fine with the "it"s though 
One little thing:
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| The flash of lightening was like the flame of a candle, |
It's lightning
I look forward to reading more
~Onceuponatim3xo |
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lxtmidnight
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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| i got confused as what she... or actually where, she actually was. was she standing above a cliff, or just standing in the river? it was kinda rough and jumpy... |
I think here I planned for her to be on a cliff, left the room, came back, and then was all set to place her in the ocean -___- Not a good idea to leave right there
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| AHHH NO MORE ELLIPSES |
heh heh...sorry about those, it's like I use them subconciously...(There I go again. sigh.) I definitely don't want them to take away from the story, so I'll be sure to get rid of the unnecessary ones.
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| Yes, a baby can be referred to as "it", kinda like a dog |
thanks, I was wondering about that, and google seemed to have nothing helpful.
Loving the feedback, everyone! I'm terrible when I edit, so most of this I never would have caught. I really appreciate it! |
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Runelord
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Well written on the whole. I don't know about the rest of the people who have read this, but I think that if you change the refernce to the baby from "it" to "he" it will make him seem more human. Good luck withe the story and keep writing |
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NewWriter
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
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| Runelord wrote: |
| Well written on the whole. I don't know about the rest of the people who have read this, but I think that if you change the refernce to the baby from "it" to "he" it will make him seem more human. Good luck withe the story and keep writing |
**beep** I think the baby is a girl, but Runelord has a good point. I will attempt a critique later, as my parents want me off the computer. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
Nit-Picks
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| It had been common knowledge of the people of Cyris since the Great City’s dawning, the unspoken rule of thumb, for the Night was a stealthy creature. |
So, you ramble on and on there about… what? You never tell us. What was common knowledge? Ditch everything after 'Cyris' and tell us.
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| force of thunder; she didn’t flinch. |
Turn that semi into 'but.' It didn't have the effect you were going for.
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She had been down this path before, many times as a young girl, simply to relish the sight of the vast ocean it led to. But Sira was not a child anymore. Long ago had she had left the days of girlhood, and she now stood as a woman, and as a mother. |
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| and it hushed at it’s mother’s familiar touch. |
Give the baby a gender, please.
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| Her seventeenth year will be our last. |
Our? Is this a thought (since that's first person)? Then italicize. Same with the next sentence.
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| robbing her of air---- |
Way too many dashes.
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| weakness, but she couldn’t do it……… |
Don't use a thousand! Three periods will do.
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| Sira’s grip faltered completely. |
Sudden much? Show us her changing her mind.
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| Sira’s heart flooded with remorse as she fought through the current. This was not what she wanted…her child was not going to die at her hands…There. Sira heard the wailing of her baby…the sound was like a sweet music, the song of a Siren….she pushed on, but the water was far too strong for her. Sira slipped on the slick ocean floor; like hands the waves clutched at her clothes, clawed at her skin, drawing her under the watery Hell… |
What's she trying to do?
Overall Comments
This will be a rather short critique, as I did like it and didn't even realize that it was fantasy when I decided to read it. XD> So! On to it:
Ellipses
Delete every single one and reread this. (Also, make sure you put… a space like I just did.)
And you agreed that you did this, yet you haven't edited it out when it's such an easy mistake to fix? Just delete them - don't let us all catch it.
Why?
This is the prologue, so I can ask why. But I shouldn't ask why she ended up doing it – show us that.
Who?
Who is this lady? She seems important. And why does no one notice her running into the supposedly awful night?
Told you it'd be short. XD> PM me for anything at all!
~JFW1415 |
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lxtmidnight
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks everyone for the advice! I did a little bit of editting using what you've told me, and I think it's better already XD |
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Ashley Domenic Augustine
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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Is this your first story?
Cos dang!!!
Why are you killing a baby?
Why is it described so much on killing it?
My lil sis was reading this and she was crying saying it was scary.
Don't be offended but here is A GOOD WAY FROM AN AUTHOR that will help you improve.
Start again.
Wait for the baby too be older e.g a child of 10.
Get it's mother to attempt to kill it but get the mother to stop e.g Like Abraham and Issac in The Bible.
God was testing Abrahams love for Issac to see if he would kill him but Abraham refused and God said.
"You Have passed the test, you loved your son"
Doing something like getting the reader to think the mother will kill her son or daughter but in the end she dosent adds alot of effect.
Trust me I know what I am talking about!
Anyways good expressive writting but remember on what I said about changing the story line.
GOODSTUFF!!!
Mod edit: No swearing outside of critiques. |
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Aet Lindling
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 9:04 am Post subject: |
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"Trust me I know what I am talking about!"
No, you don't. 
This is very good, expressive writing, and you're just dismissing it because it's a bit too "scary" for you. It's called plot advancement, and a word or so of caution for you. I don't advise reading any horror books, you might faint.
The only flaws I could spot were the grammar mistakes that people have already pointed out. Great stuff.
Edit: Just noticed, you misquoted the freakin' Bible. I'm an atheist, you're a Christian (or so I gather from your site) and I had to point this out? The actual story is that Abraham is about to kill his son and does not refuse, but then God says he does not have to, because he has proven his love for God by showing he is willing to kill his own first-born for Him, not the other way around. XD |
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lxtmidnight
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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LOL thanks Aet Lindling
Ashley Domenic Augustine, thanks for your help too, but this is only a small excerpt: there's much more to the story than this, so everything that I wrote here is crucial for the rest of the novel to work, so I gotta keep it...plus it's not a story for young children and this prologue is meant to be a scary/a little creepy XD |
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mtempleton
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 2:17 pm Post subject: |
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Give me more! Loving this as an opening. You've drawn me in completely.
A couple of things though.
I loathe and detest rhetorical question. When you use "what had it done to deserve such a fate" early on, i don't think that it fits. Later on, it works to reflect Sira's dilemma but i think that this example is actually dragging your writing down. You're too good to use this technique here!
I don't understand how "she was going to be sick with weakness" either. surely "in her weakness, she was going to be sick" would make more sense?
And on the whole baby it, debate I think you have at least to give the kid a gender. Its really hard to empathise with an inanimate object but if you give it a name, we can start getting attached to it. If the baby has a name, you'll find it easier to show Sira's maternal love for it and the story will be more convincing.
Otherwise stunning. |
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