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~Volant~
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Novelist
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 Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:23 pm Post subject: Gray (III) |
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(I'll tell you their ages, now. Thanks for answering! Mute is eleven, twelve, thirteen's pushing it. Blaine is early twenties. Prate is late thirties. Sage is around mid-forties.)
Gray
Scene III
(It’s later in the day. Mute is playing with the stone, like always. Sage is pacing, thinking. Blaine is in the corner, knees drawn to his chest, head down. Prate is weaving twine)
MUTE: Sage?
SAGE: Yes?
MUTE: S’there light comin’ from the window?
BLAINE: (groan) How many times a day does he ask that?
SAGE: Yes, there’s light.
MUTE: What’s it look like?
SAGE: I can’t decide if it’s copper or rose gold. (beat) It’s more rose gold, and it’s always shifting.
BLAINE: It’s light, for crying out loud!
SAGE: Something he hasn’t seen for two years.
BLAINE: What’s with the rock, anyway?
MUTE: This? (holds up rock) I picked this up ‘fore they dragged me down here.
BLAINE: Why? There’s stone everywhere down here, anyway.
MUTE: Sure, but it’s all had the life drained out o’ it.
BLAINE: Since when were rocks alive?
MUTE: These stones, they been down here for centuries, almost. They’re cold and dead. But this stone’s been soakin’ up the sunlight and the wind and the outside world. It’s almost drained, but stones have long lives, right?
BLAINE: How can a stone live and soak up—
MUTE: (excitedly) It smells like wind and sun and grass…it’s faint, but it’s still there, ain’t it?
BLAINE: No. Rocks can’t smell like anything but rock.
(Mute puts his hand through the bars, trying to give him the stone.)
MUTE: It feels like the outside, Blaine! Sage, give him the stone!
(Sage hesitates, looking at Mute and Blaine. Eventually he takes the stone from Mute’s fingers and puts his hand through the bars into Blaine’s cell.)
SAGE: If you do anything to it, I’ll strangle you.
(Blaine glares at him, but he takes the rock. He thumbs it, tosses it impatiently from hand to hand, then passes it back to Sage.)
BLAINE: Sure, yeah. Feels just like a rock.
(Sage pauses, then gives the stone back to Mute. The boy is crestfallen.)
MUTE: It’s real close to bein’ outside…
BLAINE: Quiet.
(Mute crawls over to the far side of his cell, away from anyone else, and continues playing with his rock.)
SAGE: Not used to being around people, much, huh?
BLAINE: That’s not true.
SAGE: Where do you come from, anyway?
BLAINE: Why do you want to know?
SAGE: I’m curious, that’s all.
BLAINE: Not good enough reason.
SAGE: Do you need a reason for everything?
BLAINE: I need a reason if you’re going to be rooting your snout around in my past.
SAGE: It’s not rooting. (beat) I’ll go first, if you want.
BLAINE: I don’t care about it.
SAGE: Suit yourself, then.
BLAINE: (beat) How long you been down here?
SAGE: A little over two years. Mute was down here when I came, but he still had…he could still see.
BLAINE: Why’s he in here?
SAGE: His story.
BLAINE: Why won’t you just tell me?
SAGE: It’s slightly embarrassing, especially for a boy his age. If he wants to tell you about it, he will.
BLAINE: Do you know his sentence, then?
SAGE: Not really. The king was too angry with him to consider any of the specifics. After he had him blinded, I think he just forgot about him.
BLAINE: How’d the king know about him? Is he one of those “big game” thieves or something?
SAGE: No. He used to work in the palace and…and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. At the time he was new, and didn’t really know his way around the palace. If he had worked longer there, he might’ve been quick enough to avoid this place. (shakes his head) Bad luck, it is. Most of the people you see down here are just victims of bad luck.
BLAINE: True for any prison, that. (beat) What about you?
SAGE: I’m from the palace, too.
BLAINE: Sure.
SAGE: You don’t have to believe it, but it’s true. My father was a nobleman with six sons, me being the youngest. There wasn’t much left to inherit by the time he got down to me, so I had to find a life for myself. When I heard the prince’s tutor had been hanged, I decided to ask the king for the job.
BLAINE: The first tutor was hanged, and you wanted that job?
SAGE: (chuckles) I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t even think anything of it when I was the only person to ask for the position. I should have seen it as an omen. He wasn’t even the first one, either; apparently, the brat had gone through a long line of them, all of them hanged. For all my education, I should’ve been wiser. I should’ve gone to some duke or earl and offer to teach their sons. I probably would’ve been able to avoid this place altogether.
The king deemed me acceptable for the job, and I went to work, trying to teach the little horror. From the first day, I realized that he would not be taught. He took an instant disliking to me, and I knew I’d probably fail, like all the others.
I should’ve left then. I should’ve packed my bags and snuck out during the night. It’s surprisingly easy to evade the king’s men; cut your hair and dye it with indigo, tumeric, or clutch, gain some weight, grow a beard, change your name. But I was too stubborn. I wanted to succeed where the others had failed. It was a matter of pride, being the underestimated underling who’s always underfoot and underneath my brothers and under, under, under, I wanted to be over something, just once in my life. I succeeded, somewhat. I overestimated myself.
My last day in the palace, the prince got mad at me, telling me that I’m boring and that a tutor should be entertaining and that, really, I’m a servant under his orders. Understandably, I got a bit put off. I told him that I wasn’t his servant, but his father’s servant, and I had his orders to teach his son. It was the first time I had actually argued with him. He ran to the king, twisted my words…
BLAINE: …so you’re here.
SAGE: So I’m here.
BLAINE: (beat) You expect me to believe that?
SAGE: Like I said, you don’t have to believe it, but it’s true.
BLAINE: You said Mute was from the palace, too.
SAGE: Yes.
BLAINE: How did you know that? Did he just tell you? He could’ve been lying…
SAGE: (gives him a dirty look) I saw him here and there. He worked mostly in the kitchens, so our paths didn’t overlap very much. I did see him in the halls, sometimes, running errands or cleaning a floor. (beat) He had bright blue eyes.
MUTE: Sage?
SAGE: Yes?
MUTE: S’there light?
SAGE: Yes, there’s light.
MUTE: Has it changed? Or s’it still red-goldish?
SAGE: It crossed the line to copper. The beam is starting to shrink, though; the sun is setting.
MUTE: The sun? Blaine, can you see the sun?
BLAINE: Why would I want to look at the—
SAGE: The beam of light is rising and growing smaller, which means it’s under the window. He won’t be able to see it until tomorrow evening. Sorry, Mute.
MUTE: Oh. It’s okay.
BLAINE: Show off. |
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kittykat
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 1:41 am Post subject: |
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Sorry I took so long to get around to reading this Volant! But I'm here and I must say, I really do like this series of scripts. ^_^
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I should’ve left then. I should’ve packed my bags and snuck out during the night. It’s surprisingly easy to evade the king’s men; cut your hair and dye it with indigo, tumeric, or clutch, gain some weight, grow a beard, change your name. But I was too stubborn. I wanted to succeed where the others had failed. It was a matter of pride, being the underestimated underling who’s always underfoot and underneath my brothers and under, under, under, I wanted to be over something, just once in my life. I succeeded, somewhat. I overestimated myself.
My last day in the palace, the prince got mad at me, telling me that I’m boring and that a tutor should be entertaining and that, really, I’m a servant under his orders. Understandably, I got a bit put off. I told him that I wasn’t his servant, but his father’s servant, and I had his orders to teach his son. It was the first time I had actually argued with him. He ran to the king, twisted my words… |
I think something needs to be between these two paragraphs. By that, I mean a stage direction for Sage. Something like... (looks away) or (beat) or--I really like this one--(leans against bars and smiles sadly). Since he's sort of remenicing of past days, right? 
| Quote: |
SAGE: Like I said, you don’t have to believe it, but it’s true.
BLAINE: You said Mute was from the palace, too. |
Bewteen those two lines I think there should be a (beat). The quickness of Blaine's next question seems to drift away from his regual personality. He seems too curious about it. In the past two scripts Blain always let what he'd heard sink in before he changed to something else.
Yup, another stage direction that I thought should be put in :p. I'm sort of a perfection ist... Anyway, I think doesn't sound... Blaine-ish enough. I think it'd be a bit better if you added (rolls eyes). But really, it's your decision, not I have to tell you or anything. ^_^
Moving on! I didn't find any grammer errors. Awesome, as usual. No surprise there. I'm still wondering what happened to Mute's eyes though! Grrr... I MUST know! Lol. Thanks for finally telling me the ages. So... since I sort of did a vague guess of their ages, was I right? Though I did think Prate might be in the sixties or something... Anyway, it was really good. Well, I liked it--and can't wait to see what happens next! 
I think you know what I'm gonna say next? PM me when there's more! XD
-kittykat |
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Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
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The Cheshire Cat
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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Another great chapter here!  I'm loving the characters, though I still picture Mute as an man. XD I just have one bit of critique...
| Quote: |
| SAGE: (chuckles) I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t even think anything of it when I was the only person to ask for the position. I should have seen it as an omen. He wasn’t even the first one, either; apparently, the brat had gone through a long line of them, all of them hanged. For all my education, I should’ve been wiser. I should’ve gone to some duke or earl and offer to teach their sons. I probably would’ve been able to avoid this place altogether.... It was the first time I had actually argued with him. He ran to the king, twisted my words… |
That whole large paragraph needs to go, or be broken up. Think about your poor actor who has to memorize that whole thing! And I don't think the audience will be able to sit through it. Add a funny interjection by Blaine or something to lighten things up. Maybe even an interuption from a gaurd. |
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Jiggity
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| Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 8:38 am Post subject: |
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Now, that just ticks me off.
Like I said in the first scene, before you even begin the play, there has to be a character list, with ages, names and descriptions. Some of my earlier feedback isn't as relevant now that their ages are apparent. Which is beyond annoying.
So, its moving along, we're getting a bit more into it now and its getting better, I think. But then, now that I know how old they are (and I'm almost angry enough to stop reading because you withheld that) I can more accurately judge them as characters, and have a better sense of how appropriate the dialogue is. Mute works much better as a boy.
Sage's voice, for me, changed in this scene. Became more educated and scholarly, as though you had only just decided that this was to be his history and vocation, as opposed to in the prior scenes. I'm not sure how well the whole storytelling thing will go down.
I assumed that this would be one of those stories-within-stories plays, where the narration of certain character's history is actually played out in the following scenes. So it would be "Well, it began like this..." and then we would see it happen. Action is important in a play, movement, colour - unless this is meant to be a short, tense piece, I suggest you do just that.
It's looking better.
Cheers |
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cooldude19967
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| Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2008 5:08 am Post subject: |
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| Still enjoying this. And I was pretty close on the ages to. Anyways, in this particular bit what jumped out at me was Sage's long monologue, and to tell the truth, it bored me. It's nice to know a characters past, but you've got to put something, anything, in there to make it more interesting for the audience. I think adding comedy there would work best. I'm not so sure I'd go so far as to act it out, although I agree with what Jiggity said about the importance of movement. Anyways, hope that helps! |
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