Topic ID: 22140
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niccy_v
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 192
Reviews: 68
Country: Where the horses are
966 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:35 pm Post subject: |
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Nichola.
I am not going to be held responsible for my actions the next time somebody changes colour to color, realise to realize, centre to center, or such. |
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niccy_v
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 192
Reviews: 68
Country: Where the horses are
966 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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Fourth:
Please do keep going, it is going to kill me too (^^) and it's developed so well. I commend you highly on your descriptions, and you have imagery within the story done to the finest detail. Too rushed in parts though, like when you revealed Isaac as being a vampire, it could've lasted a little longer, and so the story feels a little rushed and hurried like you wanted to spit it out. Which is pretty much what you did in the last part. My eyes raced down the writing and there could be so much more there, when you threw that opportunity away to get to the point. My teachers call it verbal vomit- it just spills out without effective development.
It confused me a little bit when the character pushes his arm away and he's already moved it - needs definite addage there to describe actions more.
And a big flaw is indeed the dialogue (or what is after it should i say). He said, she said, i said, just turns the reader into autopilot and ruins the mood. I deleted as many as i could but it got ridiculous. Not to say you're a bad writer but there is SO much potential to put more into the story, bring it to life, just by the few words you threw away by taking the easy way out.
I look forward to more chapters! Keep them coming you're doing so well! |
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Nichola.
I am not going to be held responsible for my actions the next time somebody changes colour to color, realise to realize, centre to center, or such. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
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Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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All right, this is my first time posting in Advanced Critiques, so just bear with me if my comments suck! 
Anyway, here is the first four chapters that I corrected of your story. I must say, you have my attention!
Hope to see more! PM me when you do post more!
~ashley |
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zoorah12
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Aug 2008
Posts: 66
Reviews: 3
409 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| This story really caught my eye in the forums. I have never really been that into vampire stories, but I really enjoyed this one. I am a huge fan of authors who place their readers right into the action, and you did not cease to amaze me. I was hooked from the beggining with the death of her parent, wondering if that had even actually happened. I had shivers sent down my spine when I realized she was returning to the place where it had happened. Overall, I really like it. I did not really see to many gramatical errors, partly because I was too into the story to look. But, I think you did a really good job with this. I would really like to see more. Good luck with your writing excursions! |
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Zoorah |
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