iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return*
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 292
Reviews: 142
Country: My United States of Whateva!
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: Your Decadence is Cheap |
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There's nothing but the house
as far as I can see.
There's nothing but this house and you and me.
So put away your makeup bag,
your stupid vanity.
The mannequins, the magazines,
and darling, let me see who you really are.
Who you really are.
I promise I won't take you at face value.
And when we are alone,
your decadence is cheap,
disposable, destructable, and weak.
So throw away your fake facade,
the superficial heap.
Your high-heeled shoes in reds and blues,
and darling, let me see who you really are.
Who you really are.
I promise I won't take you at face value.
I know the radiance that lives inside you.
Now cut out all the labels,
'cause heaven doesn't care
the style or size or brand of clothes you wear.
So turn off all the cameras,
the plastic surgery.
The fashion shows, designer clothes,
and darling, let me see who you really are.
Who you really are.
I promise I won't take you at face value. |
_________________
You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 232
Reviews: 107
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
324 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey iQuippie
You know what I really can't believe? That you haven't been showered in praise for this by anyone yet!
This is one of the most original and best songs I have seen around here in quite a while.
There are two reasons why I clicked at this:
1) It didn't have any reviews yet and
2) I remember some of the songs you posted around this time last year, when I was pretty new and I remembered you as an impressive lyrics writer.
It was probably the title that scared people away? Although it did rather attract me... (= I absolutely love it.)
Oh well, I'm here to critique not analyze the fact that you haven't gotten any rave reviews for this yet.
I am a huge fan of the topic you wrote about, very true, and very critical of our time. People are way too consumed by materialistic things and lose their minds over labels and all that. Wonderful.
Your word choice was very refreshing and didn't bore me, as so many songs on the radio do, so kudos for that, too.
There are some small things though:
1) I couldn't really make out a general flow for this piece, which makes it hard to judge the flow, but the lines seem somewhat unevenly lengthened, so you may want to check. As I said I can't really form an opinion about it.
2) You have some you and me's and I have the general understanding that the lyrical I is telling the "you" that appearance doesn't matter, but I'm just curious in what relationship the two of them stand to each other. I have my theories of course and it's not vital information for your sing, so I don't think you'd necessarily have to talk ore about the relationship, but as I said I'm curious. Tell me?
3)
| Quote: |
Now cut out all the labels,
'cause heaven doesn't care
the style or size or brand of clothes you wear. |
On the one side the mentioning of heaven gives the entire song a wider spectrum on the other side it's kind of out of the blue. I guess it does work, but this entire part seems a little rough.
'cause heaven doesn't care the style...
This is just grammatically incorrect and clashes with the well use of grammar throughout the rest of the piece.
Hence I'd play with these lines a bit, e.g.:
Now cut out all the labels
'cause in heaven no one cares
for the style or size or brand of clothes you wear
I don't know whether that works with you flow or not, though.
Also: Maybe makeup kit would be more appropriate instead of makeup bag?
| Quote: |
So throw away your fake facade,
the superficial heap.
Your high-heeled shoes in reds and blues,
and darling, let me see who you really are.
Who you really are. |
Suggestion for this part would be squeezing a 'beneath' into the last line, just to emphasize that all the makeup and clothes and all just distract from the person and makes it hard to see past it. Also it would make a nice 'fake rhyme' with heap 
This is merely a suggestion, but I really like it.
Wow, you've done a great job with this. People were probably too intimidated to comment, haha.
All the best,
~Kalliope |
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If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )
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