Topic ID: 33559
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Jay
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 97
Reviews: 43
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: Friendship, Fantasy and Fast Food |
 |
|
This is a story I just finished writing, and I'm pretty nervous about posting it here.
(it's the first chapter and prologue)
Here goes... |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Pattycakes
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 65
Reviews: 31
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 5:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
A more thorough review and proofreading is attached. My comments are in red, your story is in blue. Hope this helped!
General comments: Some of the cross-outs and replacements are suggestions, I just felt they sounded better. I like this story quite a bit. The system of magic seems fairly innovative compared to a lot of what I read (I.E. you don't you 'runes' or 'chi' or 'wands'). The characters are all pretty funny. They could use a little further development maybe physically, I can't really picture all of these people that well.
The plot is a little ambiguous at this point but I like where it's headed a lot. The multiple stories are weaved together well. Very open ended from here. The setting is a little bizarre, like it all of a sudden turns out they're on Earth. It's a good surprise but it also kinda through me out of the story.
Your dialouge is very good and crisp. The banter between character's was believable and humorous, this was one of the stronger points of your writing.
Your description could use some work though. When you meet people or walk into rooms you see them but also smell, hear, and touch them/things. Describe this part of it, use all of their senses. Detail locations, show what the school looks like, show what the corner drug store looks like. Describe things along side the road as they walk home. Make your world come alive in my mind!
I thought your writing ability is fairly strong and you were excellent at keeping the piece relatively error free. I thought many parts of this were very imaginative and I very much enjoyed reading this. If you have any questions or anything feel free to PM me. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Ooh I read about this in the Writer's Corner =] I'll definately get onto reviewing it soon. I promise ^_~ |
_________________
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
Free reviews! Clicky. =D |
|
| Back to top |
|
W
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Aug 2008
Posts: 58
Reviews: 5
334 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
There you go. il your plot sounds pretty interesting, the whole story started to feel a bit band because of your lackluster, and in many places, nonexistance descriptions of people/places. All of your chaarcters, minus Adolph, felt extremely bland and flat because of your weak dialouge and expression of emotion. You need to give these characters events to display their personalities with. Have Kemsyt think about the bully some more, maybe showing the reader how cowardly he is, or how angry he is at Alberic. Something that shows these chaacters have emotions. Kemsyt, Eleanora, Claudius, and Tilly all had the same dialouge; flat and emotionless dribble that could've switched with any other character in the chapter and no one would notice.
By the end of the chapter, Tilly's mind thing interested me at first, but the characters were so dull I hardly cared about it later. You have to improve this, along with your descriptional abilities, if you're going to make me care about your world at all. Cause right now, I really don't.
Good luck writing! I'm not too good spotting grammer, or spelling, or anything, so I just detailed in red where I think things need to change. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Jamie_rocks
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 355
Reviews: 48
Country: America
350 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Okay, I'm a first time advanced critiquer, so let's see if I can figure out how this works.
Okay, I like your writing style and it seems to me like you've got a pretty decent story plot going. A few parts I pointed out were choppy, and there were quite a few grammar mistakes that I caught. I think it's short to be placed in this section though; it hardly took any time at all to critique. Since there wasn't that much, three's not much else I can say, other than that I'll be following your progress. |
_________________
If life hands you lemons, make grape juice and let everyone wonder how you did it.
If you need a review, PM me or check out my topic in the "Will review for food" forum.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kyte
Fantasy guru
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 1062
Reviews: 410
Country: Somewhere in Florida
73 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Nov 07, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I corrected some mistakes. A few lines were cut off, but I might have done that. *smites mouse* |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
