Topic ID: 34021
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Ten Sweet Bliss
Junior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 44
Reviews: 13
Country: Jupiter
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: "My Mother Says I'm Guilty" |
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When writing about a beautiful shadow,
Companionship finds me hugging myself.
My knees will then buckle.
My sanity will falter,
But that's why I called him in the first place:
For help.
He dresses in black to save the blue world,
Yet I've made him become my personal knight.
He holds me tonight,
Tonight while I cry,
And keeps me from plunging after
Sadness.
I want him to be real, but I don't.
I can't betray him... I just can't.
(He's too good.)
I need
A friend.
Like you:
A lover,
But don't come to life,
Unless you're
The One.
My heart,
It screams for him...
The ordinary one...
Perhaps.
He runs a few laps around my still mind.
The shadow or him, I can't possibly choose.
They've given me life.
They're both a big lie,
But the Shadow... I know I need you
For help.
I want him to be real, but I don't.
I can't betray him... I just can't.
(He's too good.)
I need
A friend.
Like you:
A lover,
But don't come to life,
Unless you're
The One.
My heart,
It screams for him...
The ordinary one...
I need
A friend
(to hold me when I cry.)
Like you:
A lover.
(Don't leave me here tonight.)
But don't come to life,
Unless you're
The One.
My heart,
It screams for him...
The ordinary one...
Perhaps.
------
I appreciate all criticism.  |
_________________
Holy cow... Niagra Falls... has stopped flowing...
-- Jared Leto |
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sheismorphing
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 06 Aug 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: very real |
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| That was really deep, easy to relate to. Only 16? Wow. Keep up the richness in your writing, you have a gift. I really like repitition in any literature. |
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The time is now. Thrive, care, motivate. Positivity moves the world. We are capable. |
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CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 353
Reviews: 221
Country: United States
399 Points
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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| This was good, but I don't get how the title has anything to do with the writing. I like the uncoinvential lyrics, though; they're all gaa-he-likes-me. You don't need to cut off every line after two words, though, that gets a little annoying. I would also add more verses like the first two, they add some different things to the lyrics. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not in the mood to do a full-on review, so I'll just give you my comments (Sorry, post in my lyrics request thread if you want a full review and I'll get onto it a bit later, okay?)
I thought this was pretty good. I had trouble getting a tune for most of it, but you said it's lyrics from a music video you're making, so it's probably just because I'm tired.
There's weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes that I could see, so good job with that.
My favourite bit was:
| Quote: |
I need
A friend
(to hold me when I cry.)
Like you:
A lover.
(Don't leave me here tonight.)
But don't come to life,
Unless you're
The One.
My heart,
It screams for him...
The ordinary one...
Perhaps. |
Good job! |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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