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kittykat
la lalala la...
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 Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: Music |
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Music
Painting on pure nothingness
colors escaping
filled with bliss.
Maybe even screeching sounds,
but this art is all around.
It takes its grip and
holds us tight,
Making sure we’re in
the light.
Then it shatters,
blowing up!
A thousand pieces
become abrupt.
A sudden stop
and they fade away,
music filling,
we begin to sway.
In the beat were in a trance.
It’s impossible,
we begin to dance.
Step right here,
twirl to there,
a blur of clothes,
a wash of hair.
Different colors mixing in,
the sound is bright,
the colors dim.
Then without even
a quick good-bye
it disappears into the night… |
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Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar
Last edited by kittykat on Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:17 am; edited 1 time in total |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: Re: Music |
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Music
Painting on pure nothingness>>>I love this paragraph
colors escaping
filled with bliss.
Maybe even screeching sounds,
but this art is all around.
It takes its grip and
holds us tight,
Making sure we’re in
the light.>>>>I don't really understand this but it feels like it belongs.
Then it shatters,
blowing up!
A thousand pieces
become abrupt.
A sudden stop
and they fade away,
music filling,
we begin to sway.
In the beat were in a trance.
It’s impossible,
we begin to dance.
Step right here,
twirl to there,>>>I like this it's makes me visualize 
a blur of clothes,
a wash of hair.
Different colors mixing in,
the sound is bright,
the colors dim.
Then without even
a quick good-bye
it disappears into the light… >>>I think it should be Night instead of Light. Perfect ending!!!
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KITTY!!!! This is so awesome! I love it. Everyone loves music except old people haha just kidding this is pretty much just a usless crit but I'm just telling ya I love it sweetie it's just a masterpiece. you should enter it into a contest. **nods** |
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My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
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kittykat
la lalala la...
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Thankies Max! ^_^ I think you're right, "night" as the ending word does sound better. Plus, it makes it so the imagry would fade into black and not white, which is sort of what I was trying to go for, but I was just to excited to post it because it came out so easily for me to write. Just a random burst of insparation I guess.
-kittykat
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Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I love this poem!
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Painting on pure nothingness
colors escaping
filled with bliss.
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I love how nothingness and bliss rhyme, I never thought of using the word nothingness in any sentence. haha
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A thousand pieces
become abrupt.
A sudden stop
and they fade away,
music filling,
we begin to sway. |
This is a very good paragraph, you can kind of feel it...if you know what I mean? With the "music filling" and everyone starting to dance somehow makes it feel nice. hah. Because of that, this is my favorite paragraph in the poem.
I agree with October Girl on using "night" instead of light".
Once again, I love this poem! Ah! Haha. It 'paints a picture' inside my head and has a nice flowing rhythm to it.
__horsez919 |
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Evaeva
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: |
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you must be musical. I live music and i can tell that you know how it feels to be that completely absorbed in the rhythm and harmony. You capture it well with the colours and fleetingness that reminds me of tunes and themes that disappear and then return again.
I was wondering if perhaps it would be better if you varied some of the lengths of the lines. Just by keeping some of the sentences less broken up. You could just try it and if you don't like it then leave it how it is. Its always annoying when someone tells you it WILL be better if you do this when it doesn't feel right to you that way so just experiment.
But I really liked it, well done!
Alice
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kris
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:40 pm Post subject: Re: Music |
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I liked this poem
I think it is very cleverly written. It also has a very confident and well crafted metre; which is easy on the eye.
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Then it shatters,
blowing up! |
Could you use a full stop instead of a comma. Because they are not part of the same sentence really. Or a hyphen would be nice.
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A thousand pieces
become abrupt. |
Abrupt can't really be used to in this way - it is an adjective not a noun.
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Different colors mixing in,
the sound is bright,
the colors dim. |
Love this imagery, and the juxtaposition of senses was very clever.
Nice one!
Love
Kris |
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~Volant~
Happy Thanksgiving!
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 3:07 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, it took forever to get the review!!  I'm really sorry!! *huggles*
Aw....omg! This is really good! I only have one thing to say:
[quote=kittykat]Then it shatters,
blowing up!
A thousand pieces
become abrupt.
A sudden stop
and they fade away,
music filling,
we begin to sway.
[/quote]
I don't think this is in the right place. The music stops, then "we begin to dance." Then it stops again. Put the dancing first, have us imagine it, and then shatter it in our faces. It gives your poem more impact.
Very well written, Kitty!! PM me if you have anything else you put up!
~Vee
*Sorry again for the delayed post...* |
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lshryock2
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| Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: Re: Music |
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wow.
first off..
good job.
i love love love your style of writing poetry.
like myself you dont make every word have to rhym.
i love poetry like this.
It feels more organic and real.
not like your trying to hard.
just saying your feelings
im not sure what this poem is about though.
whats the meaning?
im guessing its about a art/hobbie?
i love the lines
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Painting on pure nothingness
colors escaping
filled with bliss. |
for some reason it reminds me of painting
haha
| Quote: |
Different colors mixing in,
the sound is bright,
the colors dim.
Then without even
a quick good-bye
it disappears into the night… |
i also love this paragraph.
good job and dont change anyhting your doing  |
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