Topic ID: 30495
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1995
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
162 Points
|
 Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: All The Scars That Spell Out Your Name... |
 |
|
All my pain is self choosen.
My life is just a game.
Take a good look at my wrists, at all of my veins.
All the scars they spell out your name and...
I thought I was in love.
But I was falling apart.
The was a hole in my soul;
and a huge hole in my heart.
Just like you gave me that look;
my heart and a piece of mind is what you took.
Everytime you left me behind...
All those tears that no one should cry-
I thought I was just falling in love but...
I guess I was falling apart.
Look at my scars they spell out your name...
People say hate is such a strong word,
but people throw love around like it's nothing.
Oh look.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
But you were the one who,
left me crying in the rain...
All that Pain...
Scars,
that spell out... you name.
Cut through these veins with a razorblade,
just end my shame.
You'd think I was insane.
I just fell in love... in love with my pain.
All my scars that spell out your name and...
I just fell in love.... |
_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Dr. Jamie Bondage
Perfectionist
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 08 Nov 2007
Posts: 3444
Reviews: 75
4034 Points
|
| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. This was really...deep.
The only mistake I saw was that in the second to last stanza you put "you" instead of "your."
It seemed also just a tad repetitive, but I really liked it.
Keep up the good work!
Jamie |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Bittersweet
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo).
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 21 May 2008
Posts: 289
Reviews: 85
Country: United States
732 Points
|
| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It is a very powerful poem.
I like the stanza that talks about the bird and the plane. Because it is a saying that everyone knows, it makes it very very deep somehow. And I like the way you worded it.
Strive to make things better. They will eventually. |
_________________
"You are in love with impossibility."- Antigone
Add me on my NaNoWriMo account. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Abbey Road
New Member
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 May 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 12:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I love this poem. Especially the 7th stanza. For me it really shows how many people stereyotype without knowing whoever it is they're labeling. "You'd think I was insane" That part is really important to me. Thanks for writing this. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Dark Star
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: Canada
321 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i really liked this poem. it was very dark, and deep. there was lots of emotion that poured out through your words. i could sense all the pain that the "subject" was feeling. good job in reaching out too the reader and making them part of the sorrow. there was no lack of interest and everything flowed pretty smoothly.
i would just like to point out that in the second stanza it look as if you meant to write "there",but it says "the". if im wrong sorry, it just looked wrong to me.
awesome job.  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
andrew.j.m
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
200 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 6:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's great how you kept repeating "all these scars spell out your name", it's a great line and says so much.
The mood was set instantly and we all knew what we were in for by the second line.
It's great.
Keep it up.
Don't let people say you're an "emo" kid or anything. Those are just people hiding behind the walls that they think make them look cool. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
jminimo
New Member
Gender:
Age: 11
Joined: 11 Sep 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Bery good Song. Could Use More Veruses To Make it Long.
Brilliant! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
1993vlad@gmail.com
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S.A
84 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
interesting-----------interesting-------------interesting----------
this is a good one keep wirting stuff like this
also i like the name of the song- it's really cool |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
AnAbstractHeart
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 5
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
The title is just great. It paints a very great picture for the reader.
| Quote: |
People say hate is such a strong word,
but people throw love around like it's nothing. |
I love this one. It's too true. Great line.
There were a few grammatical errors, nothing bad, I'm just gonna point them out anyway. =)
| Quote: |
| All my pain is self choosen. |
"Choosen" Only needs one "O" But it's a common mistake, no biggy.
| Quote: |
| that spell out... you name |
Just a typo ^_^ You forgot the "R"
This was great in it's entirety. I really enjoyed it! It's not an easily forgotten song/poem. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Rawr?
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 08 Oct 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 10
Country: Where did i go wrong? I need him back!
334 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
I think its really good.
It has alot of emotion to it.
And i take it has your talking about someone you truly did/do care about and love.
It really got me thinking on how people i love and care about treat me and whether or not they deserve to be treated the way i treat them or if i should treat them the way they treat me.
Great job and keep up the good work! |
_________________
Im going to smile like nothing is wrong...
Laugh like everything is perfect...
Act as if im in a dream...
And pretend that the "use to be us" isnt hurting me... |
|
| Back to top |
|
whispering
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Sep 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 2
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really like the name. The song fits it and it fits the title. It was very dark and deep. You were pouring out your emotions and we could really understand how you felt so much 'pain' and some of those lines were golden, for example, "People say hate is such a strong word, but people throw love around like it's nothing." Very good and very true.
I would just like to point out a few things that need attention. With that, I think a wonderful writing will come out of this.
1. Some spelling errors - I think you meant to say "your" and "chosen".
2. It needs better punctuation in some areas.
3. You might want to shorten some lines or even them out just a tad bit. But if it would be strange that way, leave it.
4. Maybe make it a little longer? It depends. If it's a poem, then the length is just fine, especially for the message you're trying to get across. But if it's meant to be a song, I would add more to it. But add meaningful lines, not ones just to make it longer.
It's a good writing. The emotion was excellent. Keep up the great work! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
