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Seat Belts and Cigarettes
Seat Belts and Cigarettes

by wwjnd in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on August 31, 2008
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The Survivor ( Extract 2)
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The Survivor (Extract 9)

The Survivor (Extract 3)

Topic ID: 35349
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Gee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: The Survivor (Extract 3) Reply with quote

I picked up the stone lying near my feet, flicked my wrist and skimmed it across the water. I was sitting on the beach, watching the sun come up. That was one of the few assets of the island. Sunrise and sunset were beautiful. I sighed. I didn't know how long we'd been here, but, at a guess, it must be around four or five days. Most of the others stuck to themselves, apart from two men.

Brian, who was tall and broad and in his forties, considered himself to be ' the leader'. He used to be in the army, and showed us how to knock up a couple of huts for shelter out of driftwood and vines.

The other one was Jack, who was old, was blind in one eye, and had white hair. He would sit by himself for most of the day, and tell stories, even if no one was listening. I wasn't sure if he told them to entertain people or just to amuse himself. Most people ignored him. I felt sorry for him.

I'd made the mistake of telling Jack about the freshwater pool yesterday. Brian overheard, and made me lead him to the spring. Later that evening, he announced that he would be 'rationing' the water so that everyone got an equal share.

There was no food here, apart from a few bugs and insects which didn't even provide a snack and tasted disgusting. There were a few coconut trees, but their season had passed and now they were rotton. Fish drifted in the shallows, but darted out of reach too quick for us to catch. The island wasn't very large with little greenery apart from a small forest, and sloped upwards so that on the other side of the land there was a sheer drop that would kill a man if he fell. I've only been up there once so far. The rushing wind and the crash of the waves breaking against the rocks below made me shiver, and I felt as if I would suddenly fall to my death. Mostly I sit on my own or with Jack and think about going home.

We had tried a lot over the past few days. We tried lighting a fire, so that passing planes or boats might see the smoke. We tried calling from mobile phones, but nearly all are out of range or saltwater has gotten to the circuits. On a clear stretch of beach, we had spelled out S.O.S in large letters made out of branches and stones. Brian and a few others made a raft out of vines, creepers, and fallen branches, but it collapsed as soon as one person climbed onto it. Now, most survivors had given up hope of ever being rescued.

I wondered what was happening back home. Mum and Dad would know that I was missing by now. They would have phoned my mobile when the plane didn't arrive at the airport, or called my Aunt and Uncle to see if I was still with them.

I never did like flying. I used to have nightmares that something like this would happen when Mum booked a holiday and said that we would fly to the destination. She would laugh and say that I was being silly.

I miss her.

I went and sat next to Jack. He was mumbling something about a castle and an ogre, and was gesturing with his hands. He noticed me out of his good eye, paused, and looked at me.

"Whats wrong Sally?" he asked, looking concerned. I didn't have the heart to tell him that my name isn't Sally. He will never remember it. So, I generally let him call me whichever name he prefers.

"I'm just....I'm missing my parents." I said reluctantly. Jack nodded sympathetically.

"You probably do. I miss my Kate. Wonderful woman, Kate. Married for forty years this week. I was on my way home for our anniversary, you know." I know. He talks about her a lot. Repeats himself when he can't remember that hes spoken the same thing before. I often wonder how he survived the crash and swam to shore. Its seems to have taken its toll. He looks more frail and weak each day. I only hope that he survives long enough for us to get off this island.

Why did this happen to us? To me? I got up and walked back to the water. My face was sore and itchy from the dried salt. My eyes stung. My hair hung in a tangled, matted mess. My clothes stank of sweat. My stomach rumbled for the ump-teenth time. If only there was some food! I was so hungry! I lay back in the sand. No food....again...

I woke to shouts. At first I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, but it sounded like they were saying something about meat....nah. It was just because I was hungry. I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. But they were still shouting. Something about meat and about 'making a fire'. I sat up, and concentrated, ignoring my empty stomach. What were they all shouting?

"Food! We have FOOD!!! Start a fire! Food!"


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Last edited by Gee on Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:19 pm; edited 5 times in total
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Chirantha   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, your story is getting exciting.

But it lacked the fact about how they survived the first and second day. You had started from the 6th day. And you only had described about the two men. What about the others? And may I remind you that there are other things in an island other than insects and bugs to eat. There are coconuts and fish and other kinds of things.

Okay, mistakes,

Quote:
I was sitting on the beach, watching as the sun came up.

Change this to "I was sitting on the beach, watching the sun coming up"

Quote:
Sunrise and sundown

Sunset. Not sundown.

Quote:
Brian was tall and broad, in his forties, I suppose, and considered himself to be ' the leader'.

This doesn't flow well. Maybe change it "Brian, who was tall and broad and in his forties, considered himself as the 'leader.'

Quote:
He used to be in the army, and showed us how to knock up a couple of huts for shelter out of driftwood and vines.

'had shown us'

Quote:
The other was Jack, old, blind in one eye, with white hair.

This should be "The other one was Jack who was old, was blind in one eye and had white hair."

Quote:
The island wasn't very large, with little greenery apart from the small forest

No comma in the middle. And not "the small forest" "a small forest"

Quote:
We've tried a lot over the past few days.

"We had." Not 'have'

Quote:
We've tried lighting a fire,

There shouldn't be a 'have' there. It should just be "we tried"

Quote:
We've tried calling from mobile phones, but nearly all are out of range or saltwater has gotten to the circuits.

No 'have' here also. And it should be "saltwater had gotten into the circuits"

Quote:
we've spelled out S.O.S in large letters made out of branches and stones.

"we had" not have.

Quote:
I miss her.

I go and sit next to Jack. He's mumbling something about a castle and an ogre, gesturing with his hands. He notices me out of his good eye, pauses, and looks at me.
"Whats wrong Sally?" he asks, concerned. I don't have the heart to tell him that my name isn't Sally. He can never remember it, so I generally let him call me whichever name he wants.
"I'm just....I'm missing my parents." I say reluctantly. Jack nods sympathetically

Tense!! You first was writing in past tense and now in present? Wait, I'll correct it.

I missed her.

I went and sat next to Jack. He was mumbling something about a castle and an orgre, and was gesturing with his hands. He noticed me out of his good eye. He paused and looked at me.

"What's wrong Sally?" he asked, looking concerned. I didn't have the heart to tell him that my name isn't Sally. He will never remember it. So, I generally let him call me whatever name he preferce.

"I'm just....I'm missing my parants." I said reluctantly. Jack nodded sympatheticaly.

Quote:
Repeats himself when he can't remember that hes spoken the same thing before.

"that he had"

Okay, overall,

It doesn't seem better than the first two chapters because it looks real fast-forwarded. You haven't told us about how they were when they arived at the island and how they survived.

And it is essential that you mention about their clothes, needs, emotions. Clothes will be now ruined, dirty, sweaty and unclean. Needs means hunger, comfort, sleepiness, bladder. Wink and hygiene. Emotions are how they would be feeling now.

So, if you fix those, you can get this story to a good standard.

Good luck. Wink

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 7:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

you're storie was great and cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool but there were many mistakes chirantha has showed every thing i have to say try to correct those mistakes next time OK it was very exiting and great i don't have other things to say because chirantha has told every thing i have to say OK.


i hope you will wright many stories just like that OK goog luck Laughing Wink Wink Very Happy Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was better than your first piece, so yay! Most of your mistakes have already been pointed out, but just to remind you-
* try and keep the tense the same. its confusing if you've been writing in past tense and then you suddenly switch to present
* make sure you describe their emotions because this sets the mood of the story
keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Another one! This was pretty good. I like how you gave more description of the island and people. I think you could describe it just a little bit more though. I can't wait until the fourth one!!!

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