Topic ID: 35530
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fun4eva
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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:39 am Post subject: I tried to write a poem.... |
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Trying to write something, I am sitting in my study
Looking for inspiration, I find scrunched up papers on the ground,
The ink in my pen is running dry, the paper’s empty.
I blink and stare into space, its so silent here- not a sound.
I have so many thoughts running in my mind like-
Who is big brother and how the Titanic sank.
But when my nib touches the paper,
I lose it, Can’t get it - I just go blank!
There are so many issues to talk about
Like global warming and whales,
I have to spread the word to my friends
About movies and shoe sales.
Maybe offer some advice
On a crush or bad hair day
Or which outfit is cuter,
If only I could have my say.
But alas! I can’t do that
Because every time I try,
My thoughts refuse to come on paper
And I don’t understand why! |
Last edited by fun4eva on Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:52 am; edited 3 times in total |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:48 am Post subject: |
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Firstly this is especially cool because i have never read anything like it. The rhyming is generally good and i especially like the second stanza. This is a fun poem with a lot of potential.
I think that i may be able to help you a little with a few improvements but not many!!
Firstly, the first stanza. I actually think you could lose the first line and just have the others. However, i do realise that this may disrupt the average line length if you get what i mean. All the same, i do think that you could lose the bit that says...
' trying to write something' because this is made evident through the rest of the poem so you dont want to give everythging away too soon. It would also make the first section easier to read. YOu could also lose a few of the things that the writer finds?
but its just an idea.
i think that the rest is really great !!
Keep up the good work ! and i hope i have been of some help!! |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:22 am Post subject: |
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This is very cute! Only a couple of things:
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| Who’s big brother and how titanic sank. |
Firstly, Titanic needs a capital letter, and I personally would put "the Titanic". Also, so that everyone knows who you're talking about, I would change it to "Who is Big Brother, and how the Titanic sank."
Slight overuse of exclamation points in this line I think:
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| I lose it! Can’t get it! I just go blank! |
So I would change it to something like: "I lose it, can’t get it - I just go blank!"
Also, in this stanza:
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There are so many issues to talk about
Like global warming and whales,
I have to spread the word
About movies and shoe sales. |
The third line sounds a little short, so I would change it to make it just a little longer, to flow better with the rest of the stanza.
Besides that, I like this, especially the last stanza, which just sounds adorable!  Also, your rhyming has vastly improved since the first of your poems I looked at, and works very well here. Glad you're finding my reviews helpful! |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hi! Finally I had time to read this  Sorry for not earlier.
I liked this poem much! I love the lightness of it, and the subject is great. I remember once, when I had to write a poem for school and couldn't decide what to write about. So I wrote about the difficulty of deciding.
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| Who is big brother and how the Titanic sank. |
Ahaha, I love this! I laughed when I read this line
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| the paper’s blank. |
You like using the word "blank", clearly.  Maybe you could replace the first one with something else, so it won't be repetitive?
Very nice job! I agree with Matt – your rhyming is better now. It's so lovely to read poems like this when the sky is gray and it's raining hard. I'm feeling all happy now. Keep writing!
See you around,
Demeter xxx |
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running_with_the_devil
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| Posted: Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Oh goodness, don't we all feel like that sometimes. Haha.
I think this speaks for every writer at some point in time!
:] |
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StarDuster
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: review |
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I really liked this poem. As said before, you use the word "blank" too closely together. Try to use a synonym. Other than that, it perfectly described the way we all feel when we just can't come up with what to write. It's frustrating and I think that this poem was a very good description of those times. Great job!
Tianna |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:58 am Post subject: |
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Haha, cute and great poem. I suppose you wrote this while feeling like that. It's perfectly connected lines added interest to the poem. And I think this poem is good as you weren't writing about anything else but about your self. I often do feel te same when I'm asked write a poem. The brain pops out ideas like popcorn in the microwave but they all vanish while writing.
| Quote: |
Trying to write something, I am sitting in my study
Looking for inspiration, I find scrunched up papers on the ground,
The ink in my pen is running dry, the paper’s empty.
I blink and stare into space, its so silent here- not a sound. |
I think the lines in this poem is a bit too long. The rhyming is not created in this if the lines are too long. So, try to shorten the lines a bit.
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But alas! I can’t do that
Because every time I try,
My thoughts refuse to come on paper
And I don’t understand why! |
In the second last line, it should be 'come onto the paper'
Well, as I said above, it was a great poem, and certainly was cute. And there were no grammatical mistakes or spelling mistakes. Great work. Well done.
And good luck. |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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Trying to write something, I am sitting in my study
Looking for inspiration, I find scrunched up papers on the ground,
The ink in my pen is running dry, the paper’s empty.
I blink and stare into space, its so silent here- not a sound.
<Nice imagery and setting>
I have so many thoughts running in my mind like-
Who is big brother and how the Titanic sank.
But when my nib touches the paper,
I lose it, Can’t get it - I just go blank!
<The "pop culture" aspect kind of lost me>
There are so many issues to talk about
Like global warming and whales,
I have to spread the word to my friends
About movies and shoe sales.
<Nice crescendo>
Maybe offer some advice
On a crush or bad hair day
Or which outfit is cuter,
If only I could have my say.
<Wasted crescendo on "babble">
But alas! I can’t do that
Because every time I try,
My thoughts refuse to come on paper
And I don’t understand why!
<Fizzled ending>
I couldn't tell if this was organic or premeditated. So, if that was your intention then ... Nailed it! However, there were issues which I pointed out. Hopefully, it helps. Please, edit this! It has potential! |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
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| It had a very good flow to it! I like the way that you say that you cannot write a ppoem but everything you say is one! I thought that was very creative. Also I like the way that you included everything that you could be writing about but still you said that you could not think of anything. That was also very creative. In the first stansa the lines were a little bit long but other than that....GREAT JOB! |
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