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In the Eyes of the Deceiver [Preface]
In the Eyes of the Deceiver [Preface]

by ashleylee in Historical Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 14, 2008
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THE BED.

Topic ID: 30224
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 9:05 pm    Post subject: THE BED. Reply with quote

THE BED.

Today is a Monday. That means it’s Sarah’s turn. She is a screamer. Most of them just do their business, shuffle around on top of me, and let the customer be done with it. Sarah, on the other hand, puts real effort into the thing. She talks dirty to them, she moans and encourages. And she is fat. My legs creak and complain, but she pays no attention to them. She just rides away.

The room reeks of sex. I wish they’d clean it once in a while.

My world is under three meters long, and about four meters wide. Next to me is an old, rotten desk where most customers leave their wallets, watches and fee on. Sometimes the owners bring in candles to provide an appropriate mood to the cold clay walls, the stone-cold floor and the rusty metal door, but they’ve been doing that less and less ever since that bed two rooms away from me caught fire. Music creeps into the room from time to time, but I don’t know where it comes from. It’s mostly slow ballads, played in guitar, that don’t draw too much attention on themselves, and don’t even manage to silence the grunts, whispers and heavy breathing. Tomorrow will be a Tuesday, and that means Jenna’s up.

She’s fairly new, compared to the others. She’s also younger. Must be seventeen, or so. The first couple of weeks I felt her whimper and sob, as the thrusts turned harder and harder, but she’s learning fairly quick. Now she saves the tears for later. She counts the money. She screams with my pillow pressed against her face. Her tiny fist punches the wall until it bleeds. Three weeks ago a customer turned crazy on poor, little Jenna. He grabbed her neck, struck her mouth, called her a fucking whore, a dirty bitch, and I could feel her struggle, I could hear her plead, and when the others came in, and grabbed the customer and dragged him away, I could feel her shaking. Now she keeps a knife in the desk, right next to the wallets and watches.

Wednesday is a good day. Tania barely uses me. She claws on the wall and she kneels on the floor, but she never actually lays down on me. That’s always nice. Thursday, for some reason, is always a slow day. It’s not that Fiona is unattractive, it’s just that people don’t seem to want to get laid on Thursdays. And the ones that do are almost always young, and scared. They sit in the border of my mattress and mumble, and all Fiona has to do is touch their leg for it to be over. Fiona I like because she replaced this old woman called Gloria, who used to light up a circle of fire around me to “keep the spirits away.”

I think Gloria died.

I call Friday and Saturday the drunkards’ day. The customers speak incoherencies and collapse on top of me. Then Danielle and Colleen climb up their numb bodies, and do what is necessary. The real problem comes later, when they have to carry them out. They’ve vomited on me at least half a dozen times too. It should annoy me, but I guess I’m used to it. I find it a bit funny, actually. Danielle starts cursing and complaining, and Colleen even tries to slap the men around. And when night ends, the owners come and strip me naked. They clean the sheets.

And Sunday we rest. No one comes over. I get to enjoy the peace that fills up the room, that leaves me alone with my thoughts. The peace that keeps away blubbering customers and fat, screaming prostitutes. The peace that lets me picture myself outside these walls, in some spotless room where a child cuddles with her mother on top of me, a room where a child is read stories and kissed on the forehead every night. The peace that lets me picture a life where I didn’t know that today is a Monday. And that Monday means Sarah.


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Last edited by Icaruss on Sat May 17, 2008 6:19 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icaruss ->> Please rate such works as 'R' in the future. A YWS R is not a movie R. For an explanation, see:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=19231

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this was a very interesting and well written piece. It's quite the clever idea, actually. Sometimes such ideas don't translate well, but I think this one did, so kudos on that.

There's not much to criticise, really, aside from your continual misspelling of the word 'Customer' - unless of course, the only people visiting the brothel, are in fact, costumer's, which would be amusing but not really feasible.

Again, nicely done. A few minor things could be touched up, but on the whole, it's fine.

Cheers

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fixed the customer thing. Thanks for pointing that out.

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Costumer. Hehe. *Giggle* If only we didn't all do that occasionally... Wink

I loved this, it was really descriptive, and a really well developed idea and the whole perspective is done very well. You've given the bed a really distinctive voice; if it wasn't called 'the bed' I wouldn't have known it was about a piece of furniture for the first paragraph or two.

It's extremely clever, and the short glimpses into the prostitutes lives is great and really gives you a good idea of the characters even with only a little description about each one.

Can't really make any suggestions. Except now you've got me wondering what it would be like if they really were all constumers...would they be trying to dress everyone up like cavaliers? Maybe it would be a brothel with a historical reenactment theme...

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anybody else want to read it?

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, I just read this, and I really don't have much to say about it. Though "custumer" still isn't right. Wink

I got halfway down the page before the title and the content clicked together for me -- then I reread it and saw how clever it was. Kudos for that.

Like I said, not much to say... It was entertaining, and I like the connection between the beginning and the end. You could expand it, but it's fine as is, too. Not bad at all.

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read this when you first posted it and had some comments, but couldn't post then. We'll see if I can remember them now! I know I had no real complaints about the story. It's brilliant, in general, and witty for it's purpose. I do think the title was a bit of a give away, although from what Crysi said she didn't catch it immediatly. I think I would like it if the title wasn't as exact, so that the reader had to guess, as if it were a riddle-story. I would love it that way.

Quote:

The room reeks of sex. I wish they’d clean it once in a while.


Quote:
And when night ends, the owners come and strip me naked. They clean the sheets.
I love your use of the phrase "Strip me naked" but as you can see, this is inconsistent. Either it isn't clean, or it gets washed.

That's all I can remember. Sorry, this may be useless. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, that was very creative, I must say. Like other people have said, a few minor things, for instance, rating a story like this always helps. But really, you seemed to know exactly what you wanted to accomplish here: a bed searching for a greater purpose in "life", if you will. It's not very often that you get a writing inspiration like this, hahaha. Keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's hard to say what describes your text. I mean, yeah, I caught the fact that it was a bed, telling us it routine-week. But I am always uncomfortable in front of a witness's story. I don't know, it always seems harder, desperate like situation when it is not the main character that is talking.

I love the connection between the end and the beginning-and not the beginning and the end since I understood it at the end- because I like when a circle is finish. I don't think that you would continue, it was enough, and it let us in a feeling, special, so it's better like that.

Unluckily I cannot help you for the mistakes because I'm not very good at English grammar -_-*.

EDIT: Found out the star's thing. Another one for your story Wink

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Last edited by Jellybee on Mon May 19, 2008 4:17 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This made me laugh and be sad at the same time. It was very clever and well written. Ah who cares if you can't spell customer..we are all flawed. But yes, I did like this I'm not sure what parts to critique though. It was very descriptive which was good it was a lot easier to imagine the scene and what things would have looked like. Also though it wasn't too in depth so it let your mind wander about where it all was happening and who the people really were in it and what their story was. The ending was good and I liked how the bed longed for just peace and innocence. It was so great very well done. It makes me worry about my bed's feelings. But right up until the end I thought the narrator was like a pimp or something and I felt really stupid when I figured out it was the bed. It made me laugh. Keep writing I want to read more..maybe another analogy like thing like this!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Icaruss, this was really, really sharp and sly, very witty. Dark.

Unlike some other people, I found the connection to the title fairly obvious by the third sentence. "She is a screamer." That was a good beginning. I just read somewhere that it's best to begin a story, novel to flash, with extremely specific information, that would give us the who, what, when, where, why. Well, three of them in the first three sentence is a pretty darn good job.

AHHHHHHHH I JUST GOT IT. HAHAHA Okay so I didn't really get that the POV of the whole story is the bed. AHHHH. That's hillarriousssss. I'm laughing. Ha, ha, ha. And I'm stupid. Boing. I really thought I got the entire story until NOW. Okay, the bed is the one who's saying all this. Well, that was fun. Took me a long time to figure it out. I didn't really know who was speaking... I thought it was another prostitute or whatever, so then I started rereading the story until about half, and then it clicked and I realized "THE BED"... Ha. Disregard that "connection" comment I made earlier.

So that's pretty cheap. Also pretty genius. I liked it.

I agree with everyone: this was exceptionally good, and there's not anything major to criticize, but there a few unexplainable things that irked me. For one, that the "This room reeks of sex" thing has been done before. Somewhere. It's not that it's cliche, but it's just so predictable. Also, the "I think Gloria died" comment was funny, but it was also eerily familiar.

Overall, I really, really liked this. Golden Star for you!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got who the narrator was after I finished the first paragraph, but I still enjoyed it. It's not very often that I catch a story narrated by an inanimate object, but when I do, I like it. I think figuring it out at the beginning made it a bit funner for me, actually.

Quote:
My legs creak and complain, but she pays no attention to them. She just rides away.


Lines like that, where I know what the legs belong to, but can imagine them belonging to something else, make reading it fun.

However, when I do catch on right away, I like to read it as if I didn't, and see what the author was trying to make it look like. I like it when the twist comes right at the end, where the story was leading you to think it was this, but it really turns out to be that. Gadi said he was unsure of what he was thinking it was, that maybe it was another prostitute or something. Maybe you should role with that idea. Make it look like it could be another prostitute speaking, and then give them the final clue at the end, showing them that it was the bed speaking. Or make it a customer who comes in regularly, make it look like it's that. Do something that gives a twist at the end. If nothing else, it almost guarantees the reader will go through and read it a second time, this time catching all the clues you left before, like that leg line.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is English your second language? It seems awfully odd to me that someone who wrote this gritty, touching piece would be unclear on how to spell 'customer.' Your sense of pace is excellent. I appreciate how you punctuate your prose with shorter sentences, such as "I think Gloria died." Be careful not to overdo it though. The story teetered on being maudlin at the end; the whole mother-cuddling thing seemed dangerously soppy. And how would a bed that's always been used as a prop for whores know of such things? Maybe if this bed had more history; if it had been bought secondhand, say, sold for cheap. Then it could actually have remembered indistinct snatches of warmth and love and the scent of baby powder -- not dried semen and vomit. I think that would be more appropriate and believable, as far as we're concerned about believability from a sentimental talking bed, anyway.

Great job, by the way.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 8:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Outstanding piece of work. Wow. thats all i can really say. Wow. You gave the bed a life, a soul, a personality. In a sexual environment, you made the bed the most interesting part of the entire scene. Well done, mate. I'll be showing this one to all my friends.

-raheeL

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