Topic ID: 29628
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Charliebo
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 48
Country: Britain
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: Senses. |
 |
|
On winds it wafts, like scent unsmelt,
Without passing lips, on tongues may melt,
Distinct to touch though left unfelt,
Kindling every sense.
Bright enough to blind the eyes
One lonely hearing can arise
To many-coloured truths and lies,
Uprooting faded thoughts.
A breath of life that keeps some sane,
A fix; escape; it wakes the brain,
pumping passion through your veins...
the brightest side to life.
It skims along the highest waves
Rolling from neat, structured staves
To bellow loud in hollow caves
and tiptoe along cliffs.
A therapy of no compare
It dances lithely on the air
Like feeting rain to a plain drained bare
It heals my wounded heart.
In dark, it's light is flickering shown,
In barren lands it's seeds are grown
and all around the world it's known:
Magical is music. |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin
Last edited by Charliebo on Mon Sep 08, 2008 5:00 pm; edited 4 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Maybe it's just me but you really love semi-colons. Not a bad thing... but this poem, you tell us too much, you need to show this. It's just weak and doesn't make much sense, it's like I've half a jigsaw and you hold the rest of the peices. Not a good thing.
A lot of the words you use like unsmelt, it seems only to be there to rhyme. It's not really a word. You seem to try rhyme for the hell of it. It doesn't add anything and rhyming doesn't make it a poem.
Overall: You need to read more poetry and understand poetry not made by rhyming and it can very often kill poetry. And learn to make sense, because a lot of this doesn't. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
|
| Back to top |
|
Charliebo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 48
Country: Britain
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
sorry if it came off as there for the rhyming, but i specifically wanted to use the word unsmelt - the whole poem is to illustrate the fact that music is like a smell and a colour that you can hear, a texture you can hear... it heightens all those sense without you needing to use them.
the reason that i used semi-colons so much is because it's a list of things that music is!
I like rhyming.
I don't always rhyme in poerty, but this one needed a straight rhythm (because it's about music) and the rhyming just made sense.
perhaps read the poem more carefully and try to understand it. It is a jigsaw. You can't just look at it and say you don't understand.
and please don't tell me to read more poetry. I ADORE poetry and can't get enough of it.
I apreciate the feedback and the fact that you have read my poem, but please try not to be so hurtful in feedback in the future. |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin |
|
| Back to top |
|
bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 10:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
Firstly charlie this is awesome!! the rhyming was great and really successful (not unnecesary like some ppl seem to think) you capture a lot of mood and illustrate the whole thing really well
you have obviously read a lot of poetry as you know a vast amount about how successful ones are written and this one is very successful!!
i cant really pick out any things i disliked to be honest and im not just saying that cos im a friend!!
keep up the good work because you have a talent in this field! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
BrokenSoul
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 12
0 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Despite what the grl below me says, YOU ROCK! it's awesome i can almost feel evrything u feel! i love how u just make it seem like it's easy! it's very descriptive!
And u r so right! Magical is music! i feel sorry for the ppl hoo cant here it! *coughs*grl*coughs* blow me*coughs* lol! i hear music evry where i go and frm the looks of this poem so do u! it's great! I also love how u made your own word unsmelt! Rhyming makes poems! the grl blow me is wrong bcuz it does! But what makes A poem a poem is the feeling! and this my friend is deffinently a poem!  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 100
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
363 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's a lovely poem, Charliebo. Besides reading the poem, I can even feel it. However, of course, it's not 100% perfect (nothing or no one is ever 100% perfect).
I kinda agree with Vernon that u tend to 'tell' than to 'show'. The more you tell, the more tedious the poem gets.
And what's more, rhyming is NOT necessary. Poems do rhyme, but it's best to let it flow naturally. The rhyming in your poem sounds quite forced here. Just let it flow ~!
The stanzas don't really add up. It's like...there were some parts missing. They seem not to connect with the last stanza.
I was a little confused with the last line: "Magical is Music". I thought it would sound better if you put "Music is Magical".
Well, that's all I can say for now. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I'll give this a 3/10, but I know you can do better!
Good luck and keep writing!
 |
_________________
Victory is the result of a fight, determination is its base.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
natalie
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:14 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey!
I just thought that I'd let you know I love this poem! The way you put across the feel of music really shows. I don't understand why some people have a problem with the rhyming. Many famous poets use it! It's completely up to you whether you feel it's right to use it or not, it's your poem! Personally, I love the rhyming, it adds effect and adds a good rhythm.
I would say that maybe an added stanza could be of use to help describe slightly more about the feel of music but overall, I loved it.
Good Luck!!! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
Master of the Forum
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1914
Reviews: 303
Country: England
339 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 5:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Distingt to touch, though left unfelt; |
Distinct, you mean.
| Quote: |
A breath of life that keeps some sane;
A fix; escape; it wakes the brain,
pumping passion through your veins;
the brightest side to life. |
Too many semi-colons! Yes, they're useful, but you don't need that many in this stanza.
Also, your subtitle. I would much rather not know what your poem is about before I read it. If the meaning is not obvious, which it was once I got to the end, it is perfectly fine to let your reader make their own interpretation, as long as it doesn't leave them incredibly confused. Apart from that, this is alright. I like your rhyming scheme, and the way you describe music. Keep writing. |
_________________
Matt.
http://purplezephyr.wordpress.com |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
