Topic ID: 34844
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angel19
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 21 Aug 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 10
Country: india
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:32 am Post subject: God's Princess |
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I am my god's princess
i am his special kid
i am always in his access
His love is beyond the bid
i may be petite here
you may state me nothing more than timid
i am always on my lord's mind
He's with me everywhere
you may find me silent here
but i constantly converse with him
you may find me limbless here
you may discover a hundred flaws
but you would never be able to observe the real me
me...!!!
when i am with him, there
don't attempt to rebel against me this day
don't attempt to give me those aches
i wont utter a word before you
he'll record everytime u get me into vain
stop that discrimination please
oh !! stop that cold war
understand the truth behind all lies
we all belong to Him.....
we all belong to him ..... |
Last edited by angel19 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 11:37 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 232
Reviews: 107
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
324 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:16 am Post subject: |
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Hello angel19,
welcome to YWS! It's great that you like to write and are eager to share your work. Here on YWS there are a lot of very talented and helpful people that can give you some useful tips. I myself learn how to improve all the time.
We do have a rule here, though that says to critique two other pieces for every piece of yours you post. It benefits the community, plus a lot of members are likely to take a look at one of your pieces in return. You're new here, so it's more than alright that you didn't know about it, that's why I'm pointing it out. Plus, I'm yure you can give some good advice to others. 
Why don't you introduce yourself in the Welcome Forum. That way you'll meet lots of friendly people that are glad to help you around the site. (It can be a little hard to navigate in the beginning...)
Now to your poem:
I have a few tips for you that will make people more likely to read and review your poem.
1) Title
A lot of people on this site are allergic to titles that are completely capitalised. It's unnecessary and distracts from the actual topic. Also people won't take the poem itself seriously, if they're already annoyed at your spelling of the title.
2) Spelling
This is a writing site, so people will be very picky about not capitalized i's and u's instead of you's. They won't take you serious if you don't put enough effort into your work to use correct spelling. (No one will yell at you for small spelling mistakes or typos, we all make those, just don't use chat speak-shortcuts and proofread before posting  )
I hope I didn't sound harsh or anything, I'm just trying to give you some good advice
Once more: Welcome!
All the best and feel free to PM me any time if you need help or have a question.
~Kalliope |
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If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 1080
Reviews: 293
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3856 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, angel19 (and welcome aboard)!
First, I have to point one thing out. It seems you haven't done any reviews yet, and here in YWS we have the kind of rule that says you must do at least 2 reviews before posting your own work. Oh, I just noticed that Kalliope had told that already. Well, there's nothing wrong with revision, right?
I also have to talk about the i's and u's. Chatspeak isn't allowed here, and this piece seems to be of the kind that doesn't look good with chatspeak. Do my words make any sense? I mean, the subject is clearly important to you, and you had some good points, so the correct way of writing would let them really shine. Some punctuation would be good, too.
When you have corrected the spelling errors, have a new look on your poem, and if only you can, do it objectively. That is to say, read it like someone else had written it. That way you'll maybe notice a whole new bunch of things you hadn't thought of before. You can think, for example, some of these things: When could the words rhyme? When doesn't rhyming sound or look good? Could you maybe divide some stanzas into two? Could you expand your meanings? Could you reword some lines? Could you rebuild some lines? etc.
I hope this was of any help, and if you didn't understand my point, just PM me. See you around and keep writing!
Demeter xxx |
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While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 1945
Reviews: 752
Country: Where the wild things are.
521 Points
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hello there, Angel, and welcome to YWS.
1) I edited your title so that it's not in all caps. That's a no-no...it looks annoying and discourages people from reviewing your work.
2) As the others have said, get out there and review! Nobody will want to critique your work unless you write some reviews yourself.
3) Poetry is not the place for chatspeak.
-Colleen |
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"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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praisejoe
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 22
Country: nigeria
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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i will like to say i love yopur poem so much, the simplicity of the poem and it's impressive arrangements are so remarkable. also
the use of various words and phrases to emphasis and draw- home the
meaning of this poem is so so amazing.
but you see, there some gramatic errors and some mistakes in the general spelling of words in your poem.
i advice you go through it again and edit it properly.
again, go ahead and criticize the works of other people, review them.
thanks
cheers
Please don't advertise for your own pieces in critiques. Let's help out the author of this one first, okay? Love, Poetry Crew. |
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fun4eva
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 162
Reviews: 29
Country: India
195 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:13 am Post subject: |
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Hi there angel19!!
Welcome to YWS...well, I am kinda new here too.
Anyways, first of all, always capitalise!
"I" on its own should always be capitalised and the beginning of every line. I noticed this throughout the poem.
Using small letters makes it look immature...(I do that mistake a lot too..lol)
| Quote: |
i am his special kid
i am always in his access |
| Quote: |
oh !! stop that cold war |
Why is there a space between "oh" and the exclamation marks? And I think it would be better to use just one exclamation mark.
Like this:
| Quote: |
| Oh! Stop that cold war. |
| Quote: |
we all belong to Him..... |
Why is the "h" capitalised?
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| he'll record everytime u get me into vain |
I did not get this line. I might be slow at understanding but doesn't vain mean useless? How can someone get you into useless? Did you mean pain here?
Other than that, the poem was ok. Not something that made me read more of it but has potential. Keep posting and remeber to always capitalise. Hope it didn't sound harsh...even though I cannot review harshly..lol!
Loads of luv and all the best!
Fun4eva. |
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