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This thread was created on September 3, 2008
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lyric poetry
Topic ID: 35533
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praisejoe
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
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Country: nigeria
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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:24 am Post subject: lyric poetry |
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here lies
the once dainty hero
parched and earth-beaten
from life's injustice
here he lies
ghoulish and
motionless
he has gone down
like the receding
of mighty waters
he who had conquered
earning the respect of nobles....
now lies
silent forever |
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andimlovegalore
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Country: England
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:57 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem, actually, even though it has a fantasy type feel which I don't really like that much usually. Your images are very good, and the writing style is simple which is nice, because it's a simple message and doesn't need to be cluttered with too many words. There are a few things I think you could improve on:
Firstly, you need to add capitals and punctuation a little bit more. It's alright not to start every line with a capital (actually, I think it's better not to) but you need at least one at the start of the poem. Try and write it out as sentences, in prose form, and see how you'd punctuate it then, that's how it should be done here as well.
| Quote: |
here lies
the once dainty hero
parched and earth-beaten
from life's injustice |
I like this opening stanza, it's good. Especially the last two lines, parched and earth-beaten is a lovely image. I get a picture in my head of a man lying in the dust, broken and tired. I think that's what you wanted, so that's great.
| Quote: |
here he lies
ghoulish and
[motionless |
I don't like the repetition of "lies" very much, simply because you only said it a few lines ago and it feels too soon. I love ghoulish and motionless though, very good words.
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he has gone down
like the receding
of mighty waters |
I love this stanza as well, the receding of mighty waters, it's a good simile for the descent of a powerful person.
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he who had conquered
earning the respect of nobles.... |
I don't like this part very much though. I don't like the reference to nobles because it's too bare and unsubtle. I would consider changing the second line of this part to something else.
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now lies
silent forever |
This is quite good, but not an incredibly strong final line as it has been done before. People say quite often things like "silent forever" maybe you could come up with something more startling and sad, more original. I think the repetition of lies is good here though, linking back to the start of the poem. |
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praisejoe
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 22
Country: nigeria
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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| thank you |
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| This thread was created on September 3, 2008 |
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