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spike71294
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 Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: I miss you |
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Here we met,
The sun had already set.
The air was romantic,
and you were fantastic.
I fell in love with you,
Like two beautiful doves do.
I gifted you a kitten,
proposed to you in written.
But now youre gone,
the kittens dont mew.
I walk alone,
And I miss you. |
Last edited by spike71294 on Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly, very well done. it gets straight to the point which is good.
i especially love the last stanza as it sums everything up with successful rhyming too.
i felt like the forth stanza was a bit weak compared to the others but i understand it is relevant to the last stanza. However, i think that you could possibly adapt it a little and maybe re word the bit where it says...
'And proposed you in written'
it might just be me but i didnt really understand what u were trying to say in this bit.
did you mean....proposed to you in written?
other than that i think this was good!
nice work and i hope i have been of some help! |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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It was quick and to the point and yet told a whole story - briefly but well.
This isn't much of a critique but my only query is what bisquit mentioned - the proposed in written part, I mean did the voice of the poem propose through writing, ask her out through writing or what?
Overall - I liked it  |
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spike71294
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:31 pm Post subject: |
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well sorry abt this line
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| And proposed you in written |
it shouldve been
'proposed to you in written' |
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Samantha Thiele
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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Short, sweet and to the point. Though to make it a top rank poem ,you might want to add a little to it. To say the truth there isn't much imagery to work with and that's one of the main things a poem needs. If you were to add a little to this work, say another few lines in between, to express yourself better, the reader would be able to feel your emotions easier. Basicly the point of this poem seems to be to describe how someone left you....A few more parts on how you feel towards the fact would really up the poem.
Don't get me wrong, this is a really nice piece it's just not descriptive engough to be this short. Adding lines or contubuting to the detial is my only advice, only because there really isn't anything else to point out 9on the bad count, I can always say moore about the things you did good), this is truely good. |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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Yup, it was short and straight to the point, so I like it. It was great.
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Here we met,
The sun had already set. |
It should be "The sun 'was' already set"
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| But now youre gone, |
It's 'you are', isn't it?
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| the kittens dont mew. |
It should be 'The kittens'
Well, I can assume that you could have put in more lines and metaphors, it would have been better. But it was different in a way, because other poems tends to go offshore and put more about other facts. So I like it. Well done.
Good luck.  |
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Bittersweet
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| Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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Hiya, Spike! Few things I noticed; one, you don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line, which I think you know, but I found one or two that were necessarily capitalized. Two, apostrophes! It's not 'dont' it's 'don't'.
Anyhow, so I've gone through and put in bold all the things that I fixed that you should fix.
| Quote: |
Here we met,
the sun had already set.
The air was romantic,
and you were fantastic.
I fell in love with you,
like two beautiful doves do.
I gifted you a kitten,
proposed to you in written.
But now you're gone,
the kittens don't mew.
I walk alone,
and I miss you. |
Also, though people have already made the corrections, I think this line:
| Quote: |
| proposed to you in written. |
should maybe instead be "and a proposal to you written." I think that keeps the flow better. When you read it out, it sounds better and less like you were trying to find something that rhymed with kitten and fit this context.
Anywhoo, I like the simple way you describe things. You don't have to go into lots of detail and imagery for us to know what you're talking about. That's one thing poets have a problem with; over complicating things so they sound more fancy when really they just sound confusing. That's a very good thing for you not having a problem with that! Breath of fresh air, really!  Thanks for PMing me about these, bye the way!
-Holly |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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the rhymes are too forced. its obvious you would not be talking about kittens if you didn't have to rhyme. Romantic? fantastic?
I found it a bit shallow, and didn't have much meat to it. Remember you are trying to say something no one else has said before, and this seemed pretty cliche.
Concentrate on expressing what you want to convey, and not on forcing rhyme. Rhyme is a lot more complicated to use than people think and does not instantly make something a Poem. It can just sound cheesy.
Focus on images, where was this place they met, how was the person fantastic? it all seems a bit vague. |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 7:35 am Post subject: |
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Your idea was good, but I have to agree that the rhyming was terribly forced. It ruined the poem's flow and content, and when I read it, it was like walking on needles (no offence). You were caught up in choosing words to rhyme until you've kinda forgotten the content and structure of the lines.
Just let the poem flow naturally. Remember, not all poems have to rhyme.
Keep writing, and good luck.
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 12:10 am Post subject: Re: I miss you |
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| spike71294 wrote: |
Here we met,
The sun had already set.
The air was romantic,
and you were fantastic.
I fell in love with you,
Like two beautiful doves do.
I gifted you a kitten,
proposed to you in written. This sentence is kind of funny. I'm not really sure what you mean by that...I suggest a rewrite of that one.
But now youre you're gone,
the kittens dont mew.
I walk alone,
And I miss you. |
Cute, sentimental poem, but I feel like you could do so much more with this. Really expand it, maybe describe more or something.
The way it is right now is fine that way it is though
Sorry I couldn't be more of help... |
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picklebuddy7
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| Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: |
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| I like it. It's straight to the point, and well, I just like sad stuff. Good job! |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey this poem is really nice. Simple but not the ususal "I miss you" poems.
I think the details you've put in in so few words make it very fresh.
And come on what could go wrong, it has Kittens in it!!
Er...you missed the apostrophe in "don't" in the last stanza, second line.
[quote]The air was romantic,
and you were fantastic.
[quote]
The rhyming does not impress me here. At all. It sounds forced. Try changing these lines.
And how about a more original title, because this poem deserves it! |
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HTML_d00d
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| Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 2:59 am Post subject: THAT OWNZ |
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| i liked it your really were able to capture the whole emotion of sadness vibe with you saying the stuff about the kittens. I liked it and i think im going to show this to my friends its very cool. =D |
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