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by Incandescence in Dramatic Poetry
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This thread was created on August 11, 2008
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a interruption

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tanker225   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:19 am    Post subject: a interruption Reply with quote

“Hello” said a small female voice

Jim turned around to look at the voice behind him.

With a smile he said “hello?”

“Hi Jim! How are you doing” “I haven’t seen you since … what? High school!”

“Who the hell is this” “ohh… yeah, hi long time no see!” with a nervous tic apparently twitching his eye off.

Jim was on his way to the fire department in Aflsadkdifra to clock in.

“Look um I have to go to my job so I will catch you later” he said with a nervous smile.

“Oh ok here let me give you my phone number” scribbling down her phone number on a blank napkin.

Taking the napkin from her hand he said “thank you, good bye”

She smiled and walked away.

He wondered, “What the hell happened here?”

Puzzled and befuzzled, he walked quickly to the local fire department.

Before opening the door he took a quick glance around him, a typical mars town. With red asphalt and dirt everywhere. It had a feel of a desert in the middle of a field of red grass.

Stepping in, his chief looked up and said “Jim get dressed you have 1 minutes a call just came in, the county hall is on fire!” “Hurry!”

Nodding and stepping into the pole room, he dressed quickly and rode the pole down to the next level.

Hopping on the firehover he bumped into Nick, his best friend for 20 years. He said “hey Nick how are you?”

Nick replied “ I am good man, real good” with a sly smile

Rolling his eyes Jim got in the driver’s seat and started the hovers while everyone jumped on.

Braith got on the radio set “hover 33-A enroute to city hall” the aged radio crackled out a reply “acknowledged Hover 33-A enroute”

With the lights flickering on and off and the siren wailing they sped off towards the city hall.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This is my first crit so I'm a bit nervous...
I like this story, the place name is great and I love your description of Mars. Most of the comments I've put are grammatical things. The main two things are that:
1. Except in very limited situations, dialogue needs to end with punctuation, for example:
"Hello," she said.
"Hello!" she said.
"Hello?" she said.

It can also end with a full stop if it is not followed by "he/she said/asked/replied/vocalised/etc". For example:
"Hello." He looked at her nervously. (the speaker is implied as they are the subject of the following comment)
"Hello," she said. "Why are you here?"

2. Dialogue needs a comma to introduce it if there is "said/asked/replied/vocalised/etc" preceding. For example:
He said, "Hi."

It doesn't need that if the word is not said, for example:
He turned. "Hi." (the fact that "he" said it is implied because he is the subject of the preceding comment)


Quote:
“Hello” said a small female voice [remember the full stop.]
Jim turned around to look at the voice behind him. [Doesn’t sound right – perhaps “turned toward the source of the voice” or just “Jim turned”]
With a smile he said “hello?” [Needs a comma after “said” to introduce the quotation. Also, I think it would flow better as something like ”Hello?” he said with a smile. or He smiled. “Hello?”]
“Hi Jim! How are you doing” “I haven’t seen you since … what? High school!” [You don’t need to open and close quotations in the middle. Also, a question mark might look better after “high school”]
“Who the hell is this” “ohh… yeah, hi long time no see!” with a nervous tic apparently twitching his eye off. [like the phrase “twitching his eye off”, but I think this sentence needs work. There needs to be either a “said” or an indicator that speech has ended. Like, “Insert dialogue here,” he said with a nervous… or something like, “Insert dialogue here.” He had a nervous tic – twitching his eye off.”[/i] that clearly shows that Jim is the one who has just spoken.]
Jim was on his way to the fire department in Aflsadkdifra to clock in. [I love the place name! However, I would move this sentence further down – wait until after he’s said he has to go to work.]
“Look um I have to go to my job so I will catch you later” he said with a nervous smile. [The dialogue needs to be punctuated with commas. Also, I think “work” would seem more natural than “my job”, although “my job” does sound a bit sci-fi, in a postmodern way, so if it’s going to be a consistent thing, have everyone call work “my job”. It could be a culture thing in the time period.]
“Oh ok here let me give you my phone number” scribbling down her phone number on a blank napkin. [Again, punctuate dialogue. They have napkins where they are – where are they? Need setting info.]
Taking the napkin from her hand he said “thank you, good bye” [This dialogue needs a capital T at the start and a comma after “said”.]
She smiled and walked away.
He wondered, “What the hell happened here?”
Puzzled and befuzzled, he walked quickly to the local fire department.
Before opening the door he took a quick glance around him, a typical mars town. [“Mars” needs to be capitalised as it is a place] With red asphalt and dirt everywhere. It had a feel of a desert in the middle of a field of red grass. [I like this simile.]
Stepping in, his chief looked up and said “Jim get dressed you have 1 minutes a call just came in, the county hall is on fire!” “Hurry!” [There needs to be a comma after “minutes”, which should be “minute” as there is only one. Also, I’d change “1” to “one”.]
Nodding and stepping into the pole room, he dressed quickly and rode the pole down to the next level.
Hopping on the firehover he bumped into Nick, his best friend for 20 years. He said “hey Nick how are you?” [I wouldn’t say they’ve been friends for years. Let this come across through the way they act together.]
Nick replied “ I am good man, real good” with a sly smile [I don’t actually know what punctuation is needed for the end of this piece of dialogue, but it definitely needs something rather than going straight to the closing quotation marks.]
Rolling his eyes Jim got in the driver’s seat and started the hovers while everyone jumped on. [Comma after “eyes”.]
Braith got on the radio set “hover 33-A enroute to city hall” the aged radio crackled out a reply “acknowledged Hover 33-A enroute” [The first “Hover” needs a capital. City Hall also should be capitalised as it is the name of a place.]
With the lights flickering on and off and the siren wailing they sped off towards the city hall.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I think most of the nitpicking was done by Kibble. A lot of grammatical errors. And befuzzled isn't even a word. Not that I know of. I think you mean befuddled.

I liked the way you set it on Mars and the Hovers. The thing with Nick wasn't really clear... Why would he have a sly smile? Show more. Otherwise, I liked this. I can't wait for more!

Alex

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:15 am    Post subject: Re: a interruption Reply with quote
tanker225 wrote:
“Hello” said a small female voice

Jim turned around to look at the voice behind him.

With a smile he said “hello?”

“Hi Jim! How are you doing” “I haven’t seen you since … what? High school!”

Who the hell is this
“oh… yeah. Hi long time no see!” with a nervous tic apparently twitching his eye off.

Jim was on his way to the fire department in Aflsadkdifra to clock in. This is unneccessary. Take it out, bub. Sorry.

“Look um I have to go to my job so I will catch you later” he said with a nervous smile.

“Oh ok here let me give you my phone number” she said, scribbling down her phone number on a blank napkin.
Taking the napkin from her hand he said “thank you, good bye”

She smiled and walked away.

He wondered, “What the hell happened here?”

Puzzled and befuzzled Agree with Alex, THIS AIN'T A WORD!!!!, he walked quickly to the local fire department.

Before opening the door he took a quick glance around him, a typical mars town. With red asphalt and dirt everywhere. It had a feel of a desert in the middle of a field of red grass.

Stepping in, his chief looked up and said “Jim get dressed you have 1 minutes a call just came in, the county hall is on fire!” “Hurry!”

Nodding and stepping into the pole room, he dressed quickly and rode the pole down to the next level.

Hopping on the firehover he bumped into Nick, his best friend for 20 years. He said “hey Nick how are you?”

Nick replied “ I am good man, real good” with a sly smile

Rolling his eyes Jim got in the driver’s seat and started the hovers while everyone jumped on.

Braith got on the radio set “hover 33-A enroute to city hall” the aged radio crackled out a reply “acknowledged Hover 33-A enroute”

With the lights flickering on and off and the siren wailing they sped off towards the city hall.


CHARACTERS
Two-dimensional. That is the word to avoid when it comes to character. Now who do we have here?
-A befuddled firefighter (give him little quirks)
-The stranger (Make her stay longer)
-Womanizing firefighter (...nothing to say here *gasp*)

PLOT
Cliche. A mysterious stranger. Have some kind of encounter (usually sexual) and then drags the innocent guy in some big take-over-world thingy. You have moved it a step up by setting it on Mars, but Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card is the same.

Grade: C+

Polish your spelling and grammar, pretty please. Nothing more smacks of inexperience and sloppiness.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
1. Except in very limited situations, dialogue needs to end with punctuation, for example:
"Hello," she said.
"Hello!" she said.
"Hello?" she said.


I agree with this. Also, "radio set" makes it seem like you have no knowledge of Citizen Band Radios, (CB, like in the Dukes) I realize it makes it easier to call it the radio set, so strike that. All in all, I like it, and cannot wait to read part II!
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
The majority of people already addressed the main problems and whatnot, so I don't want to mention what has already been mentioned. However, what I will say is that the story is kinda interesting; you should expand many of the things found in here, and see where they take you. After all, this is Sci-Fi were talking about, and Mars is a grand setting.

Hope that helps (if anything; first time critique).
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
And if you don't take out
Quote:
Jim was on his way to the fire department in Aflsadkdifra to clock in.
then PLEASE change the name! It's way too hard to read Aflsadkdifra.
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