Topic ID: 17004
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Heidigirl666
Praise the FSM and His noodly appendage
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 Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm shocked.  
No, seriously, what sort of uptight school did you go to?
I thought it was quite well written too, although you might want to watch how many commas you use. I'd also maybe think hard whether you need to use bad language to get your point across. It can be a powerful tool, but when it is overused it can come across as a bit vulgar.
The only criticism I'd have was that it seemed a little unbelievable towards the end, because if you'd been burned badly, unless it was so serious that it damaged the nerves (and in that case if it was extensive you'd most likely be in shock) you'd probably be in too much agony to be able to talk to anyone, especially if your face had been burned. Burns hurt, a lot.
I got a second degree burn on my hand before Christmas, and it absolutely killed. It was only tiny, but after I'd done it, despite running it under water, all I could do all evening was sit and grit my teeth while my hand felt like it was on fire. The scene at the end came across a bit too cool, for someone that's just been disfigured by burns.
Other than that, good job.  |
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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| Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 10:43 pm Post subject: |
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Great story indeed! I think everyone has pretty much covered everything that needed any fixing. This was really good though. Sad that schools have to see such brilliance as threatening. Glad it all turned out well for you.  I look forward to seeing more of your work! And welcome to the YWS!
~Yoyo  |
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chick_with_a_pen
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 12:28 am Post subject: |
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| I want more what happens i love it there are a few mistakes but I think everybody else caught them. This is good thak you for posting it. |
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keirab
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:37 am Post subject: |
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Schools are stupid. No offense or anything. But they really are.
However, one thing that is NOT stupid is this story!!! It was very good, and very powerful. There really isn't anything I'd change about it.
Nice work! |
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Zalex
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: |
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| A great story. I still read it over because it is so freaky and disturbing and I never quite understand it. |
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Pickle810
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:47 am Post subject: |
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I agree, yes- it could use work. But then, what can't? Overall, I loved the story. Some roles were a little worn, and stereotypical, and the father was a flat character, but it was very well written. At times, I didn't see a lot of seventeenth century going on. I found myself picturing NYC and not finding any contradictory info to that.
As a Jew, I've experienced my fair share of stereotype-based bias and prejudice as well. *sigh*
I can understand how you might feel your own biases or negative will towards religious institutions, as I myself battle a fairly constant urge to scream at my classmates "Not everyone celebrates Christmas or believes in the trinity or is Christian, you know!" I mean, these people are perfectly fine, but society often dictates that we learn only a closed point of view. (the Jewish religion has a strong principle of laughing at yourself, and forgiveness, both of which I like. We also like free speech, so not much offends us if we're decent people. Of course not all of us are)
I also can't believe your school would punish this piece. That's like the Dalai Lama ordering war on the Pope- just wrong, completely strange, and definitely questionable. |
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theniceguy1135
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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| This was a very good story. I don't see how they could have suspended you for it except maybe for using the word "bitch." Other than that, nice. Keep up the good work. |
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corey mcdermith
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 5:55 pm Post subject: |
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| The emotion i felt when reading this story almost put me through the floor. wow. it was incredible. Keep up the awesome work and i hope to hear more from you. |
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