Topic ID: 35059
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Princess
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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: Peepholes from heaven |
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Peepholes from Heaven
Stars are peepholes from heaven,
shining God's light down on us during the darkest of times.
Even the cruelest of people stretch their arms
for the comforting glow
knowing that whatever the trouble is
God will give you strength.
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Last edited by Princess on Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:57 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Snoink
Snuggly
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| Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! You totally reviewed my poem, so I guess it's only fair for me to do the same! 
I'm one of the tougher critics to please on YWS, so don't mind me too much. I do want to help you out, and hopefully you'll expand this poem and make it prettier.
Anyway... the critique!
Stars are peepholes from heaven, <-- I loooooove the word "peepholes" in this. It sounds too cute. 
shining gods light down on us during the darkest of times. <-- I don't like the word "gods." From the sound of it, this is supposed to be a Christian poem, and there is only one god, which is God, right? So you have these multiple gods here and it really makes my brain hurt. Find another word for it!
The trees reach their branches up <-- This part seem random... I would rather you discuss the night sky and then the tree branches coming up so that it looks like they're stretching to the night sky to touch the shimmering glow. Also, did you notice how I used different words like stretch and stuff? You probably want to add some personification to your poem and make it so the trees seem to be real, sort of like Narnia or something. ^_^
for the comfort of the glow, <-- Maybe instead of "comfort" you can use another word that show off better.
knowing that whatever the trouble is
God will give you strength.
And that's it! Anyway, what it looks like you can improve in most is word choice. That is, some words will be a lot less powerful than other words, and the more power you have, the better. So make sure that you words are powerful and don't try to contradict the meaning of your poem! It'll be much better that way. Otherwise, I love your simplistic style. And what can I say... I have a soft spot for poetry about stars.
See you around! |
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mtempleton
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 9:28 am Post subject: |
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I love it! as had been said, peepholes is just the perfect word.
The one thing I would say is that the ling "healing aura of the glow" sounds a little awkward to me. Try and rephrase it. The choice of words is good but you could even strip it back to "healing aura" or "healing glow."
Still, this is really uplifting. The image is so original that you don't have to say anything else. |
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those who trust in the Lord for strength will find their strength renewed
they will rise on wings like eagles
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they will walk and not grow weak |
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Salliewalker
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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I want to say that your poem is so true. God shines His Light on both good and bad people.
Next, I agree with some of the people up there: 'peepholes from heaven' is a really good phrase. It begins the poem well.
I'm a little disappointed that it was so short. Making it a little longer would've brought out more of the potential that the poem could've had.
I also agree that 'healing aura of the glow' sounds a little redundant. Healing glow, Comforting glow, or something else may be better.
Not bad though. Great job~ |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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helo
your poem is quite intresting
good figurative language
nice stunts. but ther are some loop holes
you have to correct
thanks
cheers |
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Princess
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: |
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okay..erm.. please try to be more specific...  |
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