Topic ID: 35625
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Posts: 763
Reviews: 52
Country: I wish i knew...*blinks*
111 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: Cloud Dreams |
 |
|
Many days go by,
Flying it seems,
To touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
Dreams flow around me,
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name.
As I lie,
Clouds surround me.
As I dream,
I lie there in the clouds
It seems,
Many days go by,
Flying it seems to touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by. |
_________________
Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jan 2008
Posts: 763
Reviews: 52
Country: I wish i knew...*blinks*
111 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
What! No critiques? Oh well, if you read this at least try and leave a comment.
I'm sending this off for a competition. |
_________________
Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
|
| Back to top |
|
MissAngle
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
Many days go by,
Flying it seems,
To touch the sky.
I’m living for today,
Waiting for tomorrow and
Remembering the yesteryears gone by.
Dreams flow around me,
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name.
|
I think these lines are very good  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i read this and instantly thought wow. the way you have written it is so amazing and u have paid a lot of attention to detail. i love your rhyming becuase it isnt forced but helps the piece to flow.
I love how you make links near the end. this is very clever indeed.
i especially love the line...Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
very good indeed.
you have obviously thought this out extremely carefully. you should definately get a good result in that competition
you could maybe have a semi colon after the bit where it says...
' Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,' if you put it after the word 'sun' perhaps?
otherwise i adore it. great work! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Moe:)
New Member
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: POEM |
|
|
What kind of competiton?  |
_________________
Moe is waitin on him to step up his A game! |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was good! 
I thought the flow was really nice and you seemed to have many things going for you.
The only thing that kind of made it choppy was these lines:
| Quote: |
Leaving me floating in the clouds.
Light seems to surround me as I orbit the sun.
Heat radiates off the sun,
Burning the one I love.
Love passes by,
Passes by and whispers my name. |
something about these just caught me off guard. It made me pause. If you just read through it again a couple times, you'll see what I mean.
Otherwise, I thought it was good  |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
DreamyMoon
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 8
Country: England
238 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yeah i really like this poem
mainly because it has the word dream in
Cos at the end of the day i think poetry is all about dreaming, its putting down in versus and lyrics and rhymes what othgers can only dream to do, aspiring to dreams in words. and i really think u have captured this in the poem
I lie there in the clouds
I like this line especially cos i think it totally puts a great view in the readers head, its quite metaphorical really
xxx |
_________________
Why ruin a present happiness by a distant misery that may never even come at all? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kaylyn
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 767
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
493 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Really good, I liked it Jenny. It had a nice flow. You seem very talented at poetry, unlike me. Keep up the good work and keep writing. |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teddybear22
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2008
Posts: 138
Reviews: 25
Country: U.S., GA
604 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This was good, but it almost seemed as if you were repeating yourself the whole time. I liked it and everything, but this isn't my favorite that you wrote. You have talent and I'm not denying that, but I'm saying that you need to live up to your full potential. Hope that helps if you need any help. As always, keep writing! |
_________________
Everything may be going black, but I'm still glowing! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
