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SIC
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: A Vampire Story CH.1 |
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My name is Kurimi Sencho. weird name, I know. My purpose in life I have discovered recently. After my transformation. I was bitten, 54 years ago in an alley in New York. Not by some ravenous dog, or a old alley cat. But by one of nights very own. I'm talking about vampires. Those blood thirsty hell demons.
After getting bitten, I realized my life was now bite,kill,drink. And now, I am damned to forever fulfilling my life's purpose. This is my story...
The year is now 2008, and I'm posing as a 16 year old in the 10th grade. Modern day school is so much different from my time. But there is one thing they have in common. They are boring. Period. I'd rather bite myself over and over again until I was human again. I'd be biting for a long time.
'RIIIIIIING!' A blaring ring from the school bells shattered the silence of the halls. It was home-room time, so the halls were quiet and empty this time of day. I was sitting in homeroom, in the far back of the class room so I wouldn't be intimidated to attack anyone. No one knew my dark secret, so everyone thinks I'm a freak.
Now I know what your thinking. Me, being a vampire, would 'Burn in the sun' and 'sleep in a coffin during the day'. Myths. Vampires do not burn in the sun. In fact, vampires hang out in the sun a lot of the time. And secondly, vampires don't sleep at all. Keep that in mind.
It was a normal day, me, sitting in the very back of the classroom, staring at the back of everyones heads, just waiting to leave the school and fill my mouth with delicious blood. I don't drink the blood of humans or animals, because I try not to make it completely obvious of what I am. I drink blood tablets. Little pills I mix in with my water to make it turn to blood.
One of my classmates walked in the class room and hit me on the head with a book.
"Hey freak!" He said and the whole class busted out laughing. Suddenly everyone started whispering to each other.
I budged, about to rip his throat out. But I stopped myself.
"Aww, what? You want to hurt me?" The boy said again. His name was Chris blanchette. "You little wimp!" Chris shouted and the whole class 'ooohed!'
I jumped up and ran towards him and punched him in the stomach so hard he flew to the other side of the room.
Everyone just gasped. The teacher wasn't in the room at the time. I ran over to Chris in less than a second and then lifted him up by the neck and bit down on his neck.
Blood sprayed around the room, and I was enjoying his blood. It was...sweet. A little tangy, but sweet. After I was done, I threw his blood covered, lifeless body, only to hit the wall in the back of the room. "Who's the wimp now, FUCKER!" I shouted.
Suddenly I heard a bursting 'Riiiiing!'. Everyone picked up their books and walked to the next class. Even Chris. Then it hit me, I was just imagining all of that. I picked up my books, relieved, and walked out of the class room. |
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Tatra
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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It's a bit random, but vampires are always interesting. I do like your twist on the vampire: able to be out in the sunlight, and never having to sleep. It's things like those that set your vampires apart.
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| My name is Kurimi Sencho. weird name, I know. My purpose in life I have discovered recently. After my transformation. I was bitten, 54 years ago, in an alley in New York. Not by some ravenous dog, or a old alley cat, but by one of nights very own. |
These sentences need some work with punctuation and capitalization. I'm not sure if half of the periods are meant to be commas or not. I think it works better with the bold commas.
Also, the underlined portion doesn't really make sense. I think the first sentence really needs to be reworded: I have recently discovered my purpose in life. Of course, then you don't say what his purpose in life is. The second part, and the rest of the paragraph, seems randomly put in. We're expecting you to go on about his purpose in life, not about him turning into a vampire 54 years ago. Of course, it might make a bit more sense if you include the next sentence with a comma.
Or, you could even put the next paragraph after the second sentence, and then have the rest of the first paragraph as the second. You also might want to look at your tenses and times. If his purpose was to kill as a vampire, how recently did he learn his purpose? Did he learn it after he was turned, a couple years later, or after 54 years? You might want to use the pluperfect tense, signified with the word 'had.'
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| The year is now 2008, and I'm posing as a 16 year old in the 10th grade. |
What year was it before? How many years difference between the last time he was speaking earlier? Another way to get the time difference across, instead of the 'now,' would be to compare the difference in the years since he was turned.
How old was he when he was turned? This might be something to include either at this point, or when he was describing how he was attacked in the alley.
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| Modern day school is so much different from my time. |
You also might want to do a little research into specific differences between the time periods.
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| I'd rather bite myself over and over again until I was human again. I'd be biting for a long time. |
How would that even work? I thought that vampirism was an irreversible change, or that it was very hard to change back to a human. Also, if it is possible, why hasn't he done this before? He seems hate being a vampire, so why wouldn't he have changed himself back, even if it was painful? As it is, this sentence doesn't make sense and needs a bit of clarification.
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| It was home-room time, so the halls were quiet and empty this time of day. |
Then why is the bell ringing? Though, if this is normal, don't mind me. I was homeschooled, so I don't know a thing about school bells. 
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| I was sitting in homeroom, in the far back of the class room so I wouldn't be intimidated to attack anyone. |
How could he be intimidated into attacking anyone? I mean, he's a vampire, a predator of human beings, predators are rarely intimidated by prey. Plus, he's quite a few years old and, even if he spent most of his time around school children, he should be still growing mentally. He shouldn't be intimidated by school children, even 10th graders.
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| No one knew my dark secret, so everyone thinks I'm a freak. |
Another area where we need more details. Why do they think he's a freak?
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| It was a normal day, me, sitting in the very back of the classroom, staring at the back of everyones heads, just waiting to leave the school and fill my mouth with delicious blood. |
Run on, split it up into two or more sentences, please. Also, maybe add something in about why he thinks blood is delicious at the end of the sentences. Like, he drinks the pills, but he does miss the taste of blood, or he still likes the taste of blood. It's kind of jarring to read about the delight in the taste of blood, and then the fact that he doesn't drink regular blood. Also, where does he get the blood pills?
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| Suddenly everyone started whispering to each other. |
What are they whispering about? Why are they whispering at this time? A little more detail, please.
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| I budged, about to rip his throat out. |
Budge just sounds awkward. Budge to me is like 'budge over,' or things like that. Add in some more description to how he moves, or if he even moves. Does he shift in his seat, or jump to his feet?
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His name was Chris Blanchette. "You little wimp!" Chris shouted and The whole class 'ooohed!' |
The first is a bit of an info dump on its own, try to attach it to the earlier sentence. Also, names are capitalized. I don't think you need the second speech tag, as we already know that Chris is speaking.
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I ran over to Chris in less than a second and then lifted him up. by the neck and I bit down on his neck. |
Having the same word, neck, twice in the sentence was repetitive. Even then, the whole sentence was a run on. Plus, does that mean that he bit through his own hand? Maybe a hold on the neck isn't the best place for what he intends to do.
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| Blood sprayed around the room, |
You make him sound like a sprinkler...  Maybe: Blood sprayed from the wound, spilling onto the floor.
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| Then it hit me, I was just imagining all of that. |
How can he not know that he was imagining it all?
All in all, I have to say slow down. Don't rush through things, take some time to get the detail and reasons down. Let the characters feel and interact with one another.
Watch your tenses, making sure that you stay in one tense through the whole thing. Also watch your punctuation, sentences that can be combined, and sentences that are run-ons.
I do think that this is a good story. I'm very curious as to why he's hiding out at a school; is it just because he looks like sixteen year old, or is there something else going on? I'm also curious as to whether or not he knows other vampires, or is he alone? Very interested in what the plot's going to be, and what's going to happen next.
Good luck with your writing! |
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SIC
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Most of the points you pointed out are things you need to think about. Like the blood spray part, Imagine him with blood spraying all across the room. As in, yes, he is technically like a sprinkler in that part. |
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Deifyance
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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Hm, this does sorely remind me of 'Twilight' gone bad.
Have you read it?
All-in-all, awesome start, just a bit more detail on the chars.
Looking foreward to the next chap. |
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SIC
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 1:41 am Post subject: |
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=S I need to stop posting stories on this site.
I cant write a good story. |
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Deifyance
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
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| No, no. You're here to learn. I absolutely suck at spelling and grammar. but I'm learning, mostly from this site. just give it some time. |
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Essence of BloodLust
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: ! |
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| Great story going and dont give up because of what people are saying. My grammar and spelling are so bad! i had to delete one of my stories because this girl was slaming mine on every little detail of the story so i just took the story off. But anyway, you really shouldnt let that get to you because one: they're probably jealous, 2: they dont know what their talking about, or 3: They're trying to help you. And you have a great talent for writing and a very good start to your story! |
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thesteve91
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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The quality of writing is average. Its very simply put, and doesn't really going into a great amount of detail. You don't exactly give a whole lot of description of the surroundings. Doing this would help to create a more 'full' feel to your writing.
If you ever want to be a published author your writing needs to stand out. This writing does not stand out. Its about a vampire pretending to be 16, so really the story is about you. This type of writing is so common that it is not desirable to publishers at all. You said in the story that the vampire is much older, but the point of view and whatnot seem to be that of a 16 year old. So try and use your writing ability to create a story where it is through the eyes of an ancient vampire instead of a 16 year old. |
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Prokaryote
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: Comment |
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I would recommend not having the word "vampire" in the story's title.
You see, you have to pull a bait and switch to get most people to read another vampire story.
I suggest "A Werewolf Story" instead.
Prokaryote |
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Wang Chung
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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The writing is very basic and straightforward, trying adding some more exotic words to your vocabulary.
Also, I really despise "And then I woke up" endings, and although it's not directly an "And then I woke up" ending, it ends along those lines. I actually would have prefered it had Kurimi actually torn put the boy's throat, it would have blown her cover, which would have lead cleanly into another chapter.
I did like your spin on the vampire mythology, however, and although simply put, your writing provided a very clear picture of what is happening.
I am intrigued. Please continue the story! |
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Cobra
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| Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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It's a good story, but the grammar's a bit shaky. Also, why would he just suddenly snap and kill Chris?(I know it's just a dream but it still seems a little bit odd) And that brings me on to my final point. Don't use the "and then he woke up and it was just a dream" ending. I'm sorry, but that sort of ending is the weakest you can have. Hope this helps. Good luck!
-Cobra |
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Kaida_Wynd
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| Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. That was an interesting story. I do hope there is more, because there isn't much to go on otherwise. But I liked this story. It had a ring of cliche on it but that is standard with most vampire stories today (not many match up close to Bram Stoker, though). Um, it has a lot of potential, but you are going to have to work on it more. I do really hope there is a lot more to Kurimi Sencho's story soon.
Keep up the writing. You are doing a great job. |
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Squishy
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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i just read everyone's posts and DON"T LISTEN TO THEIR HARSH CRITICISM>
it a cruel cruel world and what you got to do is just keep writing. just keep writing writing writing... as nemo and dorie swim down into the black abyss.
i see you are a twilight fan, eh? good vampire fiction. in fact teh only reason i read this was because it had "vampire" in the title.
explain those little blood tablets. are the like alkiseltzer for vampires? who manufactures these? a large sweatshop of underpaid vampire children in china?
and your writing wasn't that bad. everyone has their own writing style and just because someone does't like yours doesn't mean you should change it.
i would like more to this story.. an addition so i see where you're going with it.. nice intro, good vampire, kudos to you..
but i do have a problem with the name Kurimi Sencho. i thought you were going to go all pokemon anime on me and that was a little bit of a turn off. but besides that... good. |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked your story. I mean it was not like regular vampire stories. So I liked it. But there was one question. Was your character a boy or a girl. It would be better if your character is a girl. It creates a good effect.
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| My purpose in life I have discovered recently. |
This would have been better if it was "I had discovered the purpose of my life only recently."
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| After my transformation. I was bitten, 54 years ago in an alley in New York. Not by some ravenous dog, or a old alley cat. |
How come you were bitten after your transformation?
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| I was sitting in homeroom, in the far back of the class room so I wouldn't be intimidated to attack anyone. |
It should be "so that I wouldn't be"
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vampires hang out in the sun a lot of the time. |
Cut 'the' and put 'times'
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It was a normal day, me, sitting in the very back of the classroom, staring at the back of everyones heads, |
That part isn't needed because you already explained that he/she is sitting at the back.
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| He said and the whole class busted out laughing. |
It should be 'bursted' not 'busted'
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| I ran over to Chris in less than a second and then lifted him up by the neck and bit down on his neck. |
The repetition of 'neck' here sounds awkward. Put that he/she lifted him by the throat.
Okay, correct your mistakes.
Good luck.  |
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DoubleTake
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 9:56 am Post subject: |
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| Not bad! So small points could do with a bit more description though. Interesting adaptation of vampires. Good work! |
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