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ashleylee
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 Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: Her Story |
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Well, here it is. My attempt at a short story. Plus, I'm writing it from a guy's point of view and so, guys, tell me if the main character sounds like a guy! Also, let me know if my story telling skills is up to par! Tell me what you think of it!
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She was elusive, quiet and eyes always trained on whatever new book caught her eye. There was nothing really remarkable about her. Straight, dark hair, simply clothed but her eyes. They were stormy, filled with all the stories she had read. Dreary from all the sentences she had consumed.
Also, her face, free from cake-like make-up some girls pack into their pores. Her hair was never fancy, curled or crimped. Just straight down her back or pulled into a messy bun, to show her careless nature about such petty things. She was nothing like the other girls that walked these halls of Marshall High School.
He had yet to speak with her but he felt as if he already knew her. All because of the books she read. He peered over shyly and saw that her pick of the week was something christened Life Lessons.
Interesting, he thought. What about this book made her so intent upon reading through class?
Joesph had never been one to read. He bored easily and it took too long to finish a novel. His mind was too busy wandering ahead of schedule. He was always thinking about what he would be doing in the next couple of hours. Probably watching TV and snacking on chips.
She shifted and he saw her flip to the next page, her eyes glued to the words crawling across the paper.
Why couldn't she be more interested in other things...like him?
He averted his gaze at that thought and glanced around the room. There were plenty of girls to choose from. Why was she so alluring? What was it about her that made him forget about all the other options in the room?
Why was she so elusive, this Rebbecca Clarinton?
What was her story? |
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Last edited by ashleylee on Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:45 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!  Congrats on your first posted short story!
To be honest, this did not draw me in. Why should I care about some seemingly perfect girl? What is going on? Action (not a swordfight, but movement,) or dialogue usually pulls a reader in, if you're stuck.
Also, you switched from third to first person in the story. (First saying Joesph, then saying I.)
I'm sorry this is such a short review; I'm short on time, there wasn't too much to correct, there weren't any obvious grammatical errors, and I wanted my 100th review.
These characters just seem blah and (maybe?) mary-sueish. Give them flaws, personalities, life.
Also, if this is a short story, don't leave us hanging so much! Nothing happened, except that we learned about some girl who seems amazing and some guy who is her opposite yet in love with her. No action, no interaction, no nothing. 
Good luck! PM me with any questions!
~JFW1415 |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 1:18 am Post subject: |
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This is a very nice stream of consciousness narration, but in order to be a story, there has to be a conflict. The reader is half-introduced to the conflict, but it never really gets up off the ground. Right now, it's just prose about a crush. You’ve described the characters, now develop them. You’ve set the scene, now set the stage for the conflict. Where are the problems? Curiosity is one thing, but conflict is another.
All in all, this a good start for something grand. It just needs some more expanding. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or if you write more of this! |
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Loose
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:23 am Post subject: |
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| They were stormy filled with all the stories she had read. Dreary from all the sentences she had consumed. |
What were? Her eyes? This would be better attached to the last paragraph so it makes more sense. And it would be better if it was one sentence, not two.
Your paragraphs are really awkward. You know that a paragraph is at least 4 sentences, right? |
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Azila
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there!
Nitpicks first...
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| She was elusive. Always quiet and eyes trained on whatever new book had caught her eye this week. |
I suggest you make the period (after "elusive") into a comma and add a "always" after "eyes" and delete the "had" after "book" and also delete the "this week." So the sentence looks like this: "She was elusive, always quiet and eyes always trained on whatever new book caught her eye."
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| They were stormy filled with all the stories she had read. |
There should be a comma after "stormy"
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| She was nothing like the other girls that walked these halls of Marshall High School. |
This bit of "telling" rather than "showing" bothers me. Maybe you should try SHOWING us that she's different? Like saying something about how the other girls all wear lots of makeup and read only when it's required of them, whereas this girl doesn't wear any and reads all the time... I don't know, that's just a suggestion--try to think of your own. 
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| Interesting, he thought. |
Thoughts should be in italic.
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Why couldn't she be more interested in other things.
Like him? |
This should either be "Why couldn't she be more interested in other things, like him?" or "Why couldn't she be more interested in other things...like him?"
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Overall Impressions
Firstly, this is a little short--it feels more like an introduction that anything else. here are a few things you can do to lengthen it:
1. Add description! I don't know anything about how your characters look, only how they act. I also don't know what the building they're in looks like... for that matter, I don't know what type of building they're in, only that they're in a room. Is it a library? A lounge? Little details can give a lot of information.
2. Add action! Like JFW1415 said, nothing much happens... there doesn't have to be a big fight, or romantic scene, but this all is just telling us about a character, try to show us more about her, which leads me onto number three...
3. Add more character development! Give Rebbecca some flaws. She is too perfect! Also, give Joseph some more good things about him. Right now, they're both pretty stereotypical opposites--try to add something to make them more original.
4. Add some dialogue! This will actually help with number 3 because the way people talk can say a lot about their personalities, so even if Rebbecca doesn't talk, maybe one of the other girls can come by and try to talk to Joseph?
I hope this helps!
Please PM me if you need anything, if I was unclear about something in my review, or if you just want to talk.
~Azila~ |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Loose wrote: |
| Your paragraphs are really awkward. You know that a paragraph is at least 4 sentences, right? |
That's in school stuff. In creative writing, you get to break the rules. One sentence paragraphs! Whoo!
As long as you KNOW the rules first. ;P
~JFW1415 |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Four sentence paragraphs? Nooo! Sorry. But were that true, I would be in big doodoo. Although my constant one sentencers are known to annoy people.
Anyway  ...
Actually, to tell the truth, even though she's "perfect" in this, I found myself finding...myself (oh dear, just look at that...) in her. Possibly because my eyes are stormy grey and I always have my nose stuck in a book too.
But I agree with JFW, there's no action! Do something in it.
But I did find your descriptions very nice.  |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Ash. I know that you're pretty much done with this piece, and you're not coming back to it, but just wanted to tell you to keep writing. It wasn't awesome, but it didn't make me want to collapse on the floor and weep either, so you must have done something right!
To be honest, I wasn't feeling the guy being the point of view. Kind of felt like a wishy-washy girl. Sorry...
But I do like your werewolf story. THAT you should continue. Later. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, to everybody:
I am pretty much done with this piece. I might come back to it soon but I have like three stories I'm writing right now (actually four I think) so I can't really fix it up.
I will try to, though, so if anybody has suggestions, they would help! |
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lightflight101
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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I LOVED it you did such a great job.
The sentece i think you should fix is "Also, her face, free from cake-like make-up some girls pack into their pores." I'm not sure if it sounds right. maybe you could drop the also or add an was after "her face"
It was awesome you could posibly turn this into a great book.
Can't wait so read more of your work! |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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Lightflight101:
Wow, thank you SO much for the review!
I have been struggling with this for SO long...so it's really nice to hear about somebody who really likes it!
I will try to fix this up soon and I might even consider legthening it....maybe
Thanks again for the review! |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: Re: Her Story |
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Okay, wow I realize that this was posted months ago but I can never refuse to read a short love story. I had just written a piece simular to this, and I love yours so much better. You described the thoughts of Joesph so well. This is amazing. I can't find anything wrong with it. My favorite word that you used was Elusive. Brilliant!!!!
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| He had yet to speak with her but he felt as if he already knew her |
Favorite quote!!!!
Awesome!!! I can't say it enough. |
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CastlesInTheSky
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: Re: Her Story |
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| ashleylee wrote: |
| Well, here it is. My attempt at a short story. Plus, I'm writing it from a guy's point of view and so, guys, tell me if the main character sounds like a guy! Also, let me know if my story telling skills is up to par! Tell me what you think of it! |
well done for coming out of the Female POV comfort zone. I haven't managed this yet and it's a very brave step to take
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| Quote: |
| She was elusive, quiet and eyes always trained on whatever new book caught her eye. |
You need a "her" stuck in before "eyes".
| Quote: |
| Straight, dark hair, simply clothed but her eyes. |
Maybe change it to, "She had straight dark hair and was simply clothed, but her eyes." And then take a new paragraph for dramatic effect.
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| They were stormy, filled with all the stories she had read. Dreary from all the sentences she had consumed. |
I love this. Absolutely love this.
| Quote: |
| He had yet to speak with her but he felt as if he already knew her. All because of the books she read. He peered over shyly and saw that her pick of the week was something christened Life Lessons. |
I love the abstract way you refer to him as simply "he", and give no other background information. It makes it more magical than saying, "His name was Bob. He had blond hair and was cute. "
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| He averted his gaze at that thought and glanced around the room. There were plenty of girls to choose from. Why was she so alluring? What was it about her that made him forget about all the other options in the room? |
Beautifully phrased.
| Quote: |
What was her story? |
This was a great way to end it. I have no complaints. It was beautifully written and I love the abstract phrasing. Just the right amount of description. A masterpiece. |
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Last edited by CastlesInTheSky on Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:51 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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jasmine12 :
That was so sweet of you!
Gosh, I can't believe you dug this up...it's so old!
But thanks for the review just the same!
CastlesInTheSky:
Wow, you both are just awesome. I still can't get over that you dug this up. This was like almost five months ago...I think?? hehe
But yeah, your review was awesome! Thanks a bunch for reading! |
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