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ASH1397
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 Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: long ago :ancient china prolouge |
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Life and Death. Good and Evil. Yin and Yang.
Long ago in ancient china Emporer's ruled, differrently changing the history of china forever.
Long before his time being an Emporer were up , Emporer Siu Ling [Sow Ling],had found a passage way that lead to a spacious room. He slowly crept down each step with caution ,the step were slippery as though they had just been walked on,as though someone had just walked through the rainy day. The end of the steps came quickily, and the Emporer stepped through the spacious room. Candles, mats and smoking incense covered the floor. All the mats were facing toward the same thing....
A Buddah! There were so many statues of buddah all over the room, painted on calligraphy parchments and various types of statues stood in the corners of the room. Siu was so furiated, that he took measures into his own hands.
A group of priests was following the Emporer one day until they bade him good day. His suspisions were low , but after they said Monks were to be meeting them for afternoon jasmine [tea] in the west wing they had taken the wrong doorway directly to the west wing. Instead they hurriedly rushed out the other door to where the Emporer had found the passege way.
As he suspected... they were the rebellion. He paced to the door |
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Last edited by ASH1397 on Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:58 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Searria H.
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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Okay. Interesting start, but it was a little on the short side. Prologues don't have to have a specific length, but you didn't give quite enough information for me to understand it clearly. Of course, if you want to leave the reader with questions, then didregard what I just said. 
Your commas are after the right words, but I think your were in a hurry typing. Remember that commas always go right after the previous word with a space after it and then the next word.
For example:
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| He slowly crept down each step with caution ,the step were slippery |
Should be "...with caution, the step..."
Okay, now onto nitpicks.
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| Long before his time being an Emporer were up , Emporer Siu Ling [Sow Ling],had found a passage way that lead to a spacious room. |
You don't need, "were up" after Emporer, and in that case, you wouldn't need "Emporer" before Siu Ling. Also, you don't need a comma after "[Sow Ling]"
"Passage way" is one word, I think.
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| He slowly crept down each step with caution ,the step were slippery as though they had just been walked on,as though someone had just walked through the rainy day. |
You need to simplify this sentence, and it is also a run-on. Break it up into either two sentences, or add a comma conjunction after the first clause. I would say, "He slowly and caustiously crept down each slippery step. The steps seemed as though someone who had just traveled through a rainy day had walked on them." Really, you don't need the second sentence. It basically just repeats your point.
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| The end of the steps came quickily, and the Emporer stepped through the spacious room. |
I don't think he stepped through the room, did he? Did he not step into the room? Also, I wouldn't use "spacious" again. I would say "large" or something like that. Since you said that he wasn't an Emporer yet when he found the passageway, I would call him "the Emporer."
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| Siu was so furiated, that he took measures into his own hands. |
I think you mean "infuriated." Why was he angry? What did he do when he "took measures into his own hands."
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| A group of priests was following the Emporer one day until they bade him |
It should be "were" not "was." When your subject is plural, your helping verb needs to apply to more than one person. Does that make any sense?
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| A group of priests was following the Emporer one day until they bade him good day his suspisions were low , but after they said Monks were to be meeting them for afternoon jasmine [tea] in the west wing they had taken the wrong doorway directly to the west wing, instead they hurriedly rushed out the other door to where the Emporer had found the passege way. |
Is that one sentence??????????  Please break that up. Something along the lines of "A group of preists were following the Emporer one day until they bade him good day. His suspicions were low, but after they said Monks were to be meeting them for afternoon jasmine in the west wing. They had taken the wrong doorway directly to the west wing. Instead, they hurridly rushed out the other door to where..."
My punctuation and sentences her may not be right, depending on how you as an author want it read. That's why punctuation is so important.
All in all, it's a good start. Try to vary up your sentence beginnings a little more. Try to start sentences with verbs, adjectives, adverbs, or prepositional phrases instead of nouns.
As I said before, good start. Keep writing! And if you have any questions about anything above, don't hesitate to PM me. 
-Sea- |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: |
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This was a bit short (I'm guessing it's more of a teaser than an entire story) but it looks like the makings of a great novel.
I'm also guessing that English is not your first language, as there were lots of spelling and grammar mistakes. The biggest one is that it's spelled "Emperor" not "Emporer".
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| ...the step were slippery as though they had just been walked on... |
You also seem to have a bit of trouble with plurals. Plurals (as in: one flower, two flowers) don't need an apostrophe (') before the s, because that indicates ownership (Joe's flower) or abbreviated words (don't = do not - the o in not is taken out so it is replaced with an apostrophe). Lots of people have trouble with plurals, even people who only know English. Also, with plurals, you said the "step were slippery". I'm not sure if you meant "steps were slippery" or "step was slippery" but you have to be more careful with were and was, because they are also plural things.
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| ...Emporer were up , Emporer Siu... |
For commas, you don't need a space before them, but you do need one after them. You did that a lot.
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| ...Emporer Siu Ling [Sow Ling],had found a passage way... |
First of all passageway is one word, but I think you can use it as two words. You don't need a comma after the pronunciation thing, just continue with the story. About the pronunciation tip - I think it's helpful and all, but if you were to put this in a book you would not have that there. It would be in the back as part of a pronunciation guide. I wouldn't usually put any pronunciation tips in pieces of writing, but you may want to put it at the end or something.
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| Long ago in ancient china Emporer's ruled, differrently changing the history of china forever. |
I've already talked about plurals, but I think the "differently changing" is excess. I would just use one of them, because it sounds a bit like you don't know what you're really saying.
Last bit of nitpicking: spelling. Emperor [Emporer], Infuriated/Furious [furiated], suspicions [suspisions], quickly [quickily]
This sound like a good story, but you need to be really careful with spelling and grammar. Good luck with this story, the plot looks good so far! |
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Last edited by chichi on Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ASH1397
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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| thank you very much I AM A FULL BLOODED AMERICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Stella Thomas
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject: Re: long ago :ancient china prolouge |
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Hey there Ash, and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella and I will be your critiquer for the day.
I noticed your review count is only one. It's YWS policy to do two reviews for every piece you post. It's only fair that if people review you then you should review them. Please get that review count up!
Right so. Onto your piece. My reviews work in certain ways. Nitpicks, technical comments, stylistic comments and overall. Here we go!
I. NITPICKS
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| Long ago in ancient china Emporer's ruled, differrently changing the history of china forever. |
Long ago in ancient China Emperors ruled, changing the history of China forever.
Why is differently in there? It doesn't make much sense.
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| Long before his time being an Emporer were up |
was up.
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| had found a passage way that lead to a spacious room. |
that led to a
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| with caution ,the step were slippery as though they had just been walked on,as though someone had just walked through the rainy day. |
with caution, the steps were slippery as though they had just been walked on by someone who had walked through the rainy day.
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| The end of the steps came quickily |
quickly.
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There were so many statues of buddah all over the room, painted on calligraphy parchments and various types of statues stood in the corners of the room. |
Buddah should be capitalized. Also, if it's on parchment, it ain't a statue.
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| Siu was so furiated, that he took measures into his own hands. |
Infuriated. And why?
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| His suspisions were low |
suspicions.
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| He paced to the door |
There needs to be a full stop.
II. PROOFREAD!!!
You really need to. "Were" instead of "was," "lead" instead of "led"... I think the reviewer above me was justified in thinking English wasn't your first language, we get a lot of people who don't speak it as their first language on this site and these kind of mistakes might herald something like that. Don't shout at them, even if perhaps they shouldn't assume. Let it be a lesson to you: proofread. It's necessary!
III. SPELL CHECK
Doesn't your PC have it? Make use of it. Simple mistakes like "Emporer" and "quickily" and "furiated" could be avoided using it. Some people aren't great spellers and that's perfectly fine, but leaving such obvious mistakes is, in my eyes, pretty lazy. It will take about thirty seconds to check them with Spell Check and poof! They'll be gone forever.
IV. PROLOGUE?
It seemed more sort of Chapter One material to me, but each to their own, I suppose.
V. SPICE IT UP!
Put more in it, make us more excited. Make it more suspenseful! It needs much more detail in it for us to really feel connected to your characters, and to put us into your setting. China is a rich and wonderful country, and you need to convey this in your writing.
VI. OVERALL
It needs work for the technical parts, and it was a bit boring. But it certainly has potential, and with a bit of work it could be good!
Hope I've helped and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella. |
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