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mizz-iceberg
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 Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:08 pm Post subject: Depression |
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Depression
Lost in a fog,
can't seem to find my way,
scared and all alone,
where to go, I'm not sure.
I want out,
away from confusion,
away from a cluttered mind,
away from restlessnes,
I want to know why I'm alive
if I have to die anyway.
Everthing is so meaningless,
I want a purpose.
I'm sinking, I'm losing.
It's all black around the edges,
I'm grasping for something
I can't hold on to.
Rasping and grating,
for air fresh and free.
I'm choking, I'm dying,
I want to breathe.
Push me off the highest cliff.
I'll spread my arms
and feel the wind in my hair,
as I descend gracefully.
Time will stop,
and I'll hear my heart beat.
My mind will be free.
The fog will be gone
and everything will be clear..
I want out,
away from confusion,
from a cluttered mind,
from restlessnes.
Set me free! |
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Last edited by mizz-iceberg on Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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| WOW! It is very very deep! I like it and i really didn't see anything wrong with it! It is very good! One thing though. I think that you should add one more stansa before the last one. That's it! Bye!Good job! Keep working! |
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vox nihili
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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"as I descent gracefully" descent is a noun. You can't do an object. descend is the proper verb. "I want out,
away from confusion,
away from a cluttered mind,
away from restlessnes." would be better, tighter if in the last for of this, you excluded the last two "away from's", and did something more like
"I want out,
away from confusion;
a cluttered mind, and restlesness."
The last line:
Let me be free!
would be better as
"Set me free"
A very good poem, on the whole. It sounds accurate too. The whole sense of being trapped within oneself is a good kind of analogy.
If this poem is true, I just want to tell you, there are ways to be set free other than jumping off cliffs. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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| If this poem is true, I just want to tell you, there are ways to be set free other than jumping off cliffs. |
This poem is based on true feelings, but lol, yes I know there are better ways to handle depression than jumping off cliffs.
The idea of diving off the highest cliff is not really for suicide, or to end life. It's just about the moment when your still in the air plunging, down, down. It's about getting your head cleared from all the confusion and 'gray' emotions.
Thank you so much for your help! |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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This is, at best, an OK poem.
Take away the angst and what do you have?
Try editing this later. You might find that this poem exists solely on emotion and, therefore, has no substance.
When I say substance I'm referring to "something that readers can understand."
Everyone knows what depression is and may have felt it. But, what makes your poem so unique? How descriptive, innovative, and creative can you get with it?
EDIT! |
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