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This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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To Wolfe
Topic ID: 36873
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leftnoa
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 3
278 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:38 am Post subject: To Wolfe |
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Bach is bright but
you are brighter
leafing through history
in the wrong way.
Your eyes are nice
when left unrubbed and
there are no drugs a
perfect "o" in the middle,
like the end of dynamo.
Buzzing in my pocket,
on my nightstand,
on my couch,
on my pillow,
in my hand,
please don't call again tonight. |
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adriangarcia
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 70
Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Bach is bright but
you are brighter
leafing through history
in the wrong way.
<"leafing ... way" confused me>
Your eyes are nice
when left unrubbed and
there are no drugs a
perfect "o" in the middle,
like the end of dynamo.
<"like ... dynamo" can be eliminated>
Buzzing in my pocket,
on my nightstand,
on my couch,
on my pillow,
in my hand,
please don't call again tonight.
<Sweet ending>
Ultimately, this is a sentimental poem. I like it though. I do suggest both eliminating and elaborating! This has a lot of potential!
EDIT, EDIT, EDIT
Adrian |
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| This thread was created on October 5, 2008 |
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