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This thread was created on May 6, 2008
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Topic ID: 29820
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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 996
Reviews: 394
Country: under the covers
190 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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Snoink basically said it. Overall, this had a great, though a big overdone, idea, which you seemed to handle pretty well. Maybe add a little more metaphores, a little more of this and that, cumin and cinnamon, and you've got a great poem. The problem is...
Structure
It was boring. Nothing more to it. The first stanza was engaging, yes: you certainly stopped it before it would have sped right out of control. The rest is dull and tedious. It's just that you repeat the same thing, over and over and over again, in the same sort of soporific tune, I almost wanted to sleep. Cut some of the lines up: chop them, kill them--they need to be much more active (<-- unlike this). Stanazafy it, I don't know. I want to breath air that stings me, as long as it's not air that bores me!
EXAMPLE OF BAD STRUCTURE IN STANZA:
Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything.
EXAMPLE OF BETTER, QUICKLY-DONE, THOUGH COULD BE A TINY BIT BETTER REVISION:
Fear: give it winds, courage? Leave it be
under the bed, to collect generation's dust?--
Our perfect revenge for everything.
Weird Awkward and Unnecessary phrasing
in the employment agency of emotions.
This personifications sucks. Period.  Let's KILL it.
just a car missing its map reader
BOO. This is awkward rhythm. Breaks it off. KILL. CHANGE.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It in itself itself fears it that it might fear itself. Awkward? Yes. Could be revised? Of course yes.
Overall, I rather liked it. Though this critique might seem a little hard. I liked it, really did. |
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it is so far away |
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lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: |
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It was hell of a song. It was awesome. I could sing it in my head, it also teaches morals.
I not gonna write you the mistakes you did because every body else did it before me.
GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
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leftnoa
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 3
278 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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I understand the message behind this poem pretty well I think, I couldnt help but think it somewhat political, but this might just be me associating fear with hate and ignorance and those things with the Bush administration and the war. I think my school broke my sense of when to take things literally.
any way,
I liked the line "its our own fault though" which made me think of all this. |
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| This thread was created on May 6, 2008 |
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