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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
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 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again Ash,
Well I am enjoying this story but I must admit it does seem a little like Twilight, school-day wise. If you give it a little bit of tweaks here and there I'm sure it could turn out even better than it already is. There are some parts where I feel like scenes have been rushed. Although this is quite long, size doesn't matter when content should override that. This is just a suggestion, but think very carefully about High School and make it seem more hectic. I mean Sophia is a newborn vampire. It shouldn't be this easy for her.
I love Michael, I think he's my favorite because he's so sweet and he understands when someone just needs an open door or a shoulder to lean on. I sorta liked Carmen until he exploded. It'll take awhile for him to redeem himself in my eyes. Can't wait to read the rest,
Good Job and Keep Writing,
-Angel |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Angel of Death:
Thanks so much! 
I know, I have been doing some major editing with this and it seems that I will have to do some more now  I'm glad you mentioned the rushed-scenes thing. I have been struggling with that part and now that you have pointed it out, I'll probably do it now!
Thanks again, Angel! |
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BloomingPhoenix
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice, I think it was interesting. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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BloomingPhoenix:
Thanks
I'm glad you liked it. |
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AllyyyAlwayyys
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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Like so many others have said It is a bit like twilight. But to tell you the truth I have read so many other vampire stories that are much more like twilight.
You have so much talent, and so little mistakes again compared to so many stories that I have read.
The prologue and the first chapter were so well written I wanted to just curl up and read this story in bed.
But this was great, off to the next chapters XD |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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AllyyyAlwayyys:
Ah, thanks Ally!
Yeah, it seems that the first few chapters resemble Twilight but I promise you that it's not like that. The more you read, the more you'll see that I at least tried to step away from the original mold of what a vampire romance should be. Hopefully I accomplished that... hehe
But thanks again! |
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VampireBloodrace
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: |
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I liked it. Sorry, but I have to agree with everyone else. It does remind me of Twilight, but why is that so important. Unless it's the exact same thing, I don't think it's a huge problem. I'm looking forward to reading your other chapters and I can't wait to find out what happens later!
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Meep(:
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
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Haha, I have to admit...
It does kind of scream Twilight.
But yeah, you can't help it,
Its just so awesome.
But at least your story seems to be leading off in a slightly different direction from Twilight.
Nice (:
Keep going! |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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vampirebloodrace:
Thanks! Yeah, the first few chapters are like Twilight but otherwise, it doesn't resemble it...at least I hope it doesn't.
Thanks again for reading!
Meep(::
Thanks , Meep!
It should be going in a different direction the more you read.
Thanks again for looking at this |
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FreakyDoo12
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 11:55 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it personally, I started reading it and I got gripped onto it. People are now going to compare peopel meeting at school as Twilight!! A love stroy is universal, it's just the different way you write it that makes it interesting. I loved it. I'm going on to chapter two. |
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janey
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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It was really good... I couldn't stop reading, and I tend to lose interest in stories if they don't pull be in quickly (ie. the first 2 paragraphs).
I thought that maybe you emphasized the human thing a bit too much but I get it.
And apparently, I need to read twilight. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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960 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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freakydoo12:
Thanks, bunches
I'm glad you liked this so much.
janey:
Yes! You totally have to read Twilight!!!!!!!
But thanks for reading this. |
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KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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CHAPTER ONE: Okay, so a few problems with this one. First, your MC's emotions are all over the place. I mean, I know that's how us humans are, but the MC's just change unrealistically fast.
Next is your pronouns. WAY too many I's and he's. We know Isaac's name pretty much immediately - take advantage of that.
I do like Carmen. He just feels so real and there. OH HOW I HOPE HE AND SPOHIA END UP TOGETHER! |
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