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She Should Have Known Better
She Should Have Known Better

by CastlesInTheSky in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 16, 2008
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Tainted Blood Ch.4
Until death do us part
Tainted Blood

Tainted Blood Ch.1 Part 2

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:10 pm    Post subject: Tainted Blood Ch.1 Part 2 Reply with quote

The incoming sunlight woke me the next morning, tha alarm clock had broken again. I was supposed to wake up at 6:45, I glanced at the clock that read 8:00. I was going to be late for school. I groaned as I rolled out of my bed.

I walked to the dresser and hurriedly exchanged my white floor length nightgown for jeans and a wrinkled tee-shirt. Today I really didn’t care how I looked. I picked up a brush, and ran it through my shoulder length hair wincing every time I hit a knot. I pulled it up into a quick ponytail, grabbed my bag and shoes, and ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Aralee was already sitting at the table eating her breakfast. She looked at me, smiled, and pointed to an already made breakfast. She was so thoughtful and caring. Raising me as a single parent can’t be easy.

I mumbled a “Thanks” and scarfed down breakfast. Grabbing my car keys and my bag,I hopped towards the door attempting to pull on my shoes. With a bye to Aralee, I was out the door.

I jogged towards the new blue Toyota that had been given to me by Aralee for my sixteenth birthday. I threw my books into the passenger seat and cranked the car; I backed out of the driveway with a squeal and was off.

I glanced at my watch, the time a reminder of how late I was. I should be arriving at school already. I drove along the old, back roads I knew so well. It was so much quicker than going through town getting stopped by every single red light.

Finally I pulled into school fifteen minutes late. Ms. Newton was not going to be happy. I walked into the classroom quietly hoping she wouldn’t notice. That hope was quickly dashed to bits.

“Alyss, you’re late again, for the third time this week. If you walk into my room tardy one more time, it’s the principle’s office for you.”

I blushed as I heard the snickers of fellow classmates behind me. I slid into my desk next to my best friend, Karisa. She looked at me and shook her head. She was never late for anything.

I pretended to be interested in Ms. Newton’s lecture as I thought about what I was going to do about homecoming dance. I still needed to get a dress, and schedule an appointment for my hair dresser, along with another million things...

My thoughts were interrupted by Karisa. She had thrown a note across the aisle, and it had hit my arm. I unfolded the paper, careful not to make a crinkling noise. She wanted to know what I was going to do about homecoming. I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders as the bell rang.

“You need to figure out what you are doing for the homecoming dance.” she said. “It’s not like you haven’t been asked, there are two other guys out there waiting for your answer.

As if to prove her point Derrick, from Ms. Newton's class walks up to me and asks "So do you have a date for the homecoming dance, I would really like it if you came with me?"

"Umm... I'll get back to you on that, I am not really sure what I am going to do about Homecoming."

"Okay then I will just give you my number, if you decide you want to go with me just call." Derrick said as he scribbled down a number and handed it to me.

"So what do you think about him? He looks kinda cute and I heard he is pretty sweet." Karisa asked as he walked away.

“I don’t know who I am going with, okay? I have to think about it.” I was suddenly annoyed; she didn’t have to bring the subject up so much. I was excited about the Homecoming Dance but she was constantly pestering me about it.

"Sorry, I won't ask anymore." she looked so full of remorse about it I laughed, I had been a little harsh.

"Don't mind me, you know I get cranky every once in a while."

She made a funny face and acted out a guy dribbling over me and asking me to the homecoming dance, she looked so dorky.

We both broke out in laughter, my mood light. We came to the hallway and parted our different ways, me going to history, and Karisa to art.



Last edited by Kaylyn on Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:13 pm; edited 17 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Kaylyn--

I have to say this before I say anything else; you were doing so well until this one sentence. Few errors, few misspellings, my interest held after reading your first part before this....and then BAM. Like a wooden stake through the heart.

Quote:
“Don’t be mad at me, its just that you really need to do something besides read, your so gorgeous.


The dreaded "your-when-it-should-be-you're" abomination. Change it ASAP, please. It frightens me.

Now that that is over with, I can get right to it.

Quote:
Geesh, six boys had asked me to homecoming in the past week. I am usually not interested in boys, preferring my books, but maybe I could make an exception…


This struck me as very overplayed--You mention it twice in the same part of the story, which may be one time too many. A suggestion, if I may; Instead of having your MC think it, and then her best friend mention it, maybe you should have a boy or two approach her in the halls--show us that she's being asked, not tell us.

Overall, well done.

--Hunter

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story definitely has potential (I read chptr.1 too)
<br>
just be sure not to make it a copy of Twilight (soooooo many people are copy cats and it's unoriginal unless you are writing a fanfiction).
<br>
In one of the last sentences you spelled 'dance' wrong and a few other spelling errors.
Look over your grammar (i think in one part you used the wrong 'your' but I'm not so good at grammar)
<br>
please post more I want to read it!
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

THanks guys for the help. This is my first attempt at writing a book so I need the critique. Rest assured this book will be NOTHING LIKE TWILIGHT(I loved the book though!) Its the only vampire book I have ever read so it will be original. Again, I just want to thank you for the help. I'll let you know when I post more.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just read chapter one and this is as good as the first so well done
just a couple of things:

Quote:
I groaned as I rolled out of my bed. I walked to the dresser and hurriedly exchanged my white floor length nightgown for jeans and a wrinkled tee-shirt. Today I really didn’t care how I looked. I picked up a brush, and ran it through my shoulder length hair wincing every time I hit a knot. I pulled it up into a quick ponytail, grabbed my bag and shoes, and ran down the stairs, taking then two at a time.

careful of your tenses!!

Quote:
I should be arriving at school already. I drove along the old, back roads I knew so well to school

I dont think that you need the 'to school' there because we no where shes going and it makes it stick slightly when your reading

Im going to read three now (behind sorry). Well done again. x

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your critiques, it really helps my books. My enjoy reading the writers feedback and it lets me know what people are looking for. I have edited it, and I also have done all the chapters up to five, please read them as well. Thanks again!

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, there wasn’t much going on in this chapter. I mean, it was just her going to class and talking about Homecoming. You have to know that each chapter has to have something important in it that moves the plot along. I guess if something happens at Homecoming, this chapter will be fine Wink But if it isn’t, I suggest adding something to it to make is significant.

Quote:
I was so much quicker than going through town getting stopped by every single red light.


Do you mean “It” instead of “I”??

Quote:
“You need to figure out what you are doing for the homecoming dance.” she said. “It’s not like you haven’t been asked, there are six guys out there waiting for your answer.


I noticed that you do this a lot with your dialogue. When you write that, you have to know that you need to put a comma instead of a period at that end if you have a tag. For example in your quote above, there should be a comma after “dance” instead of a period.

Quote:
"Okay then I will just give you my number, if you decide you want to go with me just call me." Derrick said as he scribbled down a number and handed it to me.


Comma instead of a period after “me”

Quote:
"So what do you think about him? He looks kinda cute and I heard he is pretty sweet." Karisa asked as he walked away.


Comma instead of a period after “sweet”

Quote:
"Don't mind me, you know I get cranky every once in a while." I said


Comma instead of a period after “while”

Just make sure that when you write dialogue, you keep this rule in mind Wink

Well, besides that, I did like this chapter, even if I felt like there was something missing….Maybe just expand it a little bit, add some sort of drama, some trouble to make it interesting.

Sorry I can’t be more of help…

On to Chapter Three>>>>

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Omigosh! No! My eyes!

Pleeeeeease do something about that first sentence and the waking up to the alarm clock and banging a hand down on it and all of that. Seriously, it has been done sooooooo many times (I've done it too - your sentence there is almost word for word the beginning of my own story, so many years ago.) Agh, agh, agh. Do something about it, please. Begin with her eating breakfast, scarfing down toast because she's late or something. Anything but the alarm clock.

Wow, that sounded a bit harsher than I mean it to, but now you are motivated to fix it . Smile

'K, 'k, despite your vehement protests that this will be nothing like "Twilight", I can already pick out four similarities.

1) Girl living with single parent who she thinks of by their first name. (Does Alyss call her mother 'Aralee' or 'Mom'? Go ahead and refer to her in the story how Alyss would refer to her in real life.)

2) Girl given truck by said parent.

3) Girl having several boys fawning over her.

4) Girl not really being interested in upcoming dance.

All of these could obviously be twisted to be an original story and they have been done in many other genres as well, but since Stephenie Meyer is so freakin' popular, every fan of hers is going to find similarities such as those. Change the truck to a station wagon or something. Have her be totally psyched about the dance. Make her friend the one all the guys are flirting with. Do something!

Yeah, this chapter was kind of boring. Not much happens. I don't know what else to add to it, but there is something missing. Maybe have some sort of conflict. If Alyss isn't the kind of girl to get in a fight with someone, have something happen that will illustrate what kind of girl she is. Is she a leader? Is she a coward? Have a situation happen where this kind of thing is shown. Maybe she sees some bullying or something and whether she steps up to stop it or looks the other way says something. I still feel like I don't know this character, and she's actually pretty similar to Bella so far.

I'm just trying to make you aware of some dangers. I mean, you have five chapters up and I'm only on the second, so this could turn out totally different from "Twilight", but if I weren't looking at it objectively, at this point, I would have said "Pfft, 'nothing cheap "Twilight" knockoff. So much for this." And I would have thrown it away. Even if the story is it's own, amazing thing, the introduction so far has done nothing but ring "Twilight" in my brain and "first impressions are lasting impressions" as the old adage says. If the first thing your reader thinks is negative, they're probably going to think negative about the entire story. It's unfair, but it's the truth.

Beware! I depart for the third chapter!

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I will definately edit it!

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello,


Comments-
this is very short so it's hard to comment on it individually, I think you could just post whole chapters at a time. If I were you I'd try to characterize more with dialogue. make every word count. The part about her friend mimicking a guy was funny, Smile. Describe the back roads a little and describe the classroom and teacher more. It felta bit lacking in detail to me.

Suggestions

tha alarm clock had broke again- the alarm clock had broken again

taking then two at a time.- taking them two at a time.

Be careful of the single parent raising a difficult female teenager thing . . .twilight. and the dance . . .

I thought the bit between Alyss and the guy was a little stiff. She can't be so pretty that six guys will wait without complaint just for her answer. It comes off as a bit spoiled that she would do so.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, THIS IS NOT LIKE TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I got that out of the way (I am a bit touchy about anyone comparing my book to twilight.)
Unlike Bella, Alyss can't wait for the Dance.
Thanks for the other critique though Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:56 am    Post subject: My critique Reply with quote

Be careful about switching your tenses and stuff. A couple paragraphs toward the end, you started saying stuff in present tense and then switching to past.
Yep, so not much happened in this portion except for homecoming and meeting Karisa.
Oh, and also you said the words 'what I am going to do about homecoming' a bunch of times. Maybe try switching it around a little just so there's more depth to the characters' talking. 'Cause it was sort of just the same words over and over.
I'm going to read more now..Bring on the bloodsuckers!
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I picked up a brush, and ran it through my shoulder length hair wincing every time I hit a knot.

Comma between 'hair' and 'wincing'

Grabbing my car keys and my bag,I hopped towards the door attempting to pull on my shoes.

Ok, this one's little, but just in case you didn't notice it........ you need a space between the comma and 'I'

I like the story very much up to this point. I realize you haven't written a lot yet, but it is interesting. I can see what the other people mean when they refer it to Twilight, but I personally think that you're story has a different twist to it and I do believe you when you say it's different!

I'm off to read the next chapters! I hope they're good, lol
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the critique, BUT ITS NOTHING LIKE TWILIGHT!! Sorry.. a bit sensitive about that...

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