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October Girl
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 Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 3:13 am Post subject: A hole in your heart |
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If it happend tonight,
would you go?
Would you start a fight?
Your body feels broken apart,
a stolen soul,
a hole in your heart.
If your head is in the clouds,
where are you looking....
now?
If your feet are on the ground...
Don't ask how,
but don't look down.
If your voice is gone....
you can't say anything now.
Can't shout it out.
If you are my only one,
is my life over?
Is my life done? |
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My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead
Last edited by October Girl on Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:37 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Gemma Firestorm
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| Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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I like this, this is pretty. It's awesome! Great job!
-Gemma |
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Kim
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| Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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this is very good, it was easy to read and flowed. the emotion was put out there.
great job.
kim |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: |
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The rhymes made me think of this more as song lyrics than a poem; like they're something to be spoken or sung rather than read.
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Your body feels broken apart,
a stolen soul,
a hole in your heart. |
^ I do so like this idea very much! I wish you'd concentrated on this for the whole poem rather than make a passing reference! 
That's another thing that made me think of song lyrics; the ideas are more general than specific and focused, as is the word choice. As to the generality, it's a tad cliche, not being able to live without the other person; and there's been no expansion on it to breathe into it new life. I'd suggest picking one of the many ideas here and running with it.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions ^_^
-Amelia |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| So should I leave this here, or move to lyrics? |
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My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 2:01 am Post subject: Re: A hole in your heart |
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I guess if you want to, I can move it. 
Anyway! I liked the other poem better, partly because this seems a little unconnected, as if the stanzas don't belong with each other. We can't really see what's happening to the narrator, or see what the narrator is seeing, and that's a bit of the problem. Show us what is going on more and then we can react better to the poem and be more emotionally involved. 
And rate your poetry, darn it! *prods* |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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Hey,
I really liked this, it was different, in a good way. I was a bit confused as to what it was about but I did really like it. |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: :P |
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| I liked it, it was simple and said a lot to me - keep it up! i want to read more! |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with leja. This poem would be a great part of a song.
I thought everything flowed quite nicely. Just don't forget to capitalize the first letter in each stanza!
Well done!
- Summerless |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked the poem. If you want to move it to lyrics, but then make it longer.
Your poem teaches moral as well. Thats what I like about poems. I didnt exact fined any grammer mestakes. |
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