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by phantom_blackfire_wings in Storybooks
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This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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Marked

Marked Ch. 2 pt.1

Topic ID: 36866
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pshhxhoney   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:06 pm    Post subject: Marked Ch. 2 pt.1 Reply with quote

Chapter Two

“We don’t know till I complete the Change.” I said, grabbing a pillow from bed.

“I know you will.” Brian said.

“How do you know?” I questioned scanning his face to see if he was unsure like me.

“Because you are like your dad,” He answered.

“How,” I asked with confusion in my voice.

“You’re strong.” He answered softly, placing a strand of hair behind my ear. I shivered at how warm his touch was. I leaned close to his face, then stopped myself. Even though he was adorable I couldn't let myself get tangled up with him.

“Sometimes that doesn’t help. Sometimes it can be a bad thing.” I said.

“I know, but you know how to use it. Even if you think you don’t.” Brian answered.

I smiled at his answer. I yawned.

“You need rest. Sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” He said taking the chair from my desk and placing it next to the bed.

I yawned again.

“Don’t worry, the pain will come later after you wake up.” Brian re assured me.

"You know you are really sweet?" I asked, smiling at him.

"Yes." He answered, looking into my eyes.

I soaked in his light bright blue eyes and dirty blond hair that covered half of his eyes, the freckles in his nose that had a small bump in the middle, and his fair sized lips that glowed a natural pink.

“How’s Becky?” I asked, breaking our gaze.

Becky was his last girlfriend from a few months ago.

“I don’t know, you know how I Changed a few months ago? Well, after I Changed I broke up with her.” He answered.

“Why?” I asked yawning at the same time.

“You need to sleep.” Brian said avoiding the question.

“No tell me, and then I'll sleep. I promise.” I said looking him in the eyes.

“It’s…complicated. Being a werewolf I won’t always be around. I have to patrol. My temper doesn’t help either. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I broke up with her.” He said breaking my gaze.

“I’m sorry.” I said softly.

“It’s okay.” He said. With that I fell into deep sleep.

In a way I always knew I was special. I was normal, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think I was different. Even though no one had explained anything to me or given hints to me as I grew up, and came to this point, I had always knew that I was different despite those facts. It was uncommon for me to think at night about this; my differentness. I had never really put thought into, but recently when I started slowly going into the Change, and felt myself Changing, I thought about it more than ever.

When I started to slowly go into the Change is when Meghan, Hunter, Tucker, Brian, and Leon started talking to me. At first I was cold to them, but know that I am completely going through the Change we are best friends. It doesn’t help though that out of all of us there are three cute boys. It makes is harder to think of them as friends.

Hunter is the cutest out of the three, he is also the shyest. Hunter has dark brown hair that looks like its black. His eyes are a nice color of gray. He has freckles on his cheeks. His nose is straight. With looks like that of course he has a girlfriend. Her name is Aubree.

Brian is the second cutest, and Leon was the third cutest.

Leon had brown hair with natural red highlights in that show in the light. His hair fell over his green eyes. He had a Italian nose that looks good on him. He had light fair lips.

Out of the whole group Meghan was the one to tell me what they were and explain. She explained while I was in the fever stage.

She explained that they were werewolves.

I woke up hearing myself scream. I noticed the pain shooting through my body. I startled Brian who was asleep on the ground on the side of his stomach.

“I’m sorry.” I said through gasps.

“What do you need?” He asked moving to my side.

“Nothing just water.” I said through my pain.

Brian left the room for literally a second and came back with a pitcher of water and a big glass cup.

“Here,” he said, handing me the big glass. I drank it in one gulp.

“More?” He asked.

“No, I’m good.” I said wincing as another shot of pain flowed through my aching body.

“How long have I been asleep?” I asked suppressing a scream.

“A day,” He answered taking his place in the chair he used before I went to sleep.

“A day,” I asked surprised.

“Yep, day one of the Change is gone. You are now in the middle of day two.”

Had I slept that long? Had the stress and the pain caused me to sleep through one whole day? I was happy I missed the worst part of the change, but I was not happy I slept so long. I need to get up and go to see the pack in the woods. I would not stay in bed today, no matter how much pain engulfed me.

“Let’s go.” I said getting out of bed. He pushed me back down.

“No, you’re in the middle of day two not the end. You still have a little pain coming.” Brian said.

“Nah uh, I am leaving today no matter what pain I go through.” I said, pushing his hand off my shoulder.

“No, you are staying here.” He yelled at me pushing me down again. I growled my throat vibrating.

“Wow! Calm down. We are not leaving though, no matter what you do.” Brian said firmly leaving me mad.

The pain subsided making me able to move. I sat on my bed cross legged.

“Hey, can you go to your wolf sight, and see how much heat has taken over my body, so I can estimate how much time it will take?” I asked smiling.

“Fine,” He grumbled.

I looked at his eyes. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes again his eyes were gray. He looked at me for a few minutes and blinked again, his normal eyes came back.

“It starts at your head and stops at the knees. It will take at least two more hours.” He said.

“Thanks.”

“You know today is your birthday?” He questioned.

“What? It can’t be!” I said.

“Yeah, your fifteen today, Happy Birthday.” He said leaning close to me, then backing away.

How much i wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him so badly, it left my heart aching.

Suddenly my eyesight went to a blur. I started to see colors of the rainbows coming off of the objects in my room.



Last edited by pshhxhoney on Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:15 am; edited 1 time in total
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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Marked Ch. 2 pt.1 Reply with quote

YAYAYAYAYAY here we go....!

Quote:
“We don’t know till I complete the Change.” I said.

First of.. w00t w00t chapter two!!! haha Second, quickly remind the reader of whats going on sneaky though. Like put in that she grabbed a pillow from her bed or something. Ya kno?
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“You’re strong.” He answered softly.

Okay, so im guessing its this convo that really sparks things between them. So my sugestion is that you throw in somethings that Sky think of him. Like his cute smile or his broud shoulders. Stuff like that helps pave the way to the upcoming romance.
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Don’t worry; the pain will come later after you wake up.” Brian re assured me.

More pain? Say what? Also, no semi colon thingy...or is that just a colon? i dunno, a comma is fine.
~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Besides Meghan, Brian was one of the sweetest people I knew. I have seen him around school with his girlfriends, but never really talked to him till this year. He was cute, but I didn’t let that get to me. I only thought of him as a friend, sometimes…

Stuff like this should be more sneaky. I know that sounds kinda weird. but put it better into the dialog so it flows better. Also, sometimes... doesnt fit. also, elipse? why?
~~~~~~~
Quote:
He had light neon blue eyes

Instead of neon, id use bright, or electric blue.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
He had freckles on his nose, which was straight.

For 'flow' purposses I think He had freckles on his straight nose But....straight? uhh...i wouldnt describe it like that.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“No tell me, and then I will sleep.

This sounds to formal. Go with Then i'll sleep
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
He said and with that I fell asleep.

,he said. With that, I fell into a deep dreamless sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I startled Brian who was asleep on the ground on the side of his stomach.

Awh!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“Here,” he said handing me the big glass. I drank it in one gulp.

You do this a lot. After 'said' put a comma.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
but I was not happy I sleep so long.

Slept
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I said push his hand off my shoulder

Pushing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
estimate how much time more time it will take?”

take out 'much time' or 'more time'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okie dokie. I liked this chapter. I think you might want to make the relationship between Brian and Sky more intense so that the reader wants them to end up together.
Other than that, I have nothing else to say.
Good job and cant wait for the next part!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

THANKS JASMINE12!!! Awh man *snaps fingers* I really need to watch my grammer . Haha.

Anyway, thanks for the advice I'll work on it as soon as i can! Thanks!
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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh wow. This is amazing. The detail and the relationship was flat out adorable. It's like I could feel the pain.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Writing for love is a pas:

Thanks so much! I love people who comment my work, makes me feel so much better cause I know people read and actually like it! Thanks so much again!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 6:54 pm    Post subject: Re: Marked Ch. 2 pt.1 Reply with quote

pshhxhoney wrote:
Chapter Two

“We don’t know till I complete the Change.” I said, grabbing a pillow from bed. I dont mean to be a pest, LOL, but the chapter doesn't really pick up where it left off. In the 1st chapter it ends with 'Thats what its like being a werewolf' Or something close to that, but then it starts out like We dont know till I complete the change. What doesn't she know?
“I know you will.” Brian said.
“How do you know?” I questioned scanning his face to see if he was unsure like me. Maybe. I questioned, scanning his face to see if he was as unsure as me. The unsure lke me just dosent seem right.
“Because you are like your dad,” He answered.
“How,” I asked with confusion in my voice.
“You’re strong.” He answered softly, placing a strand of hair behind my ear. I shivered at how warm his touch was. I leaned close to his face, then stopped myself. Even though he was adorable I couldn't let myself get tangled up with him.
“Sometimes that doesn’t help. Sometimes it can be a bad thing.” I said.
“I know, but you know how to use it. Even if you think you don’t.” Brian answered.
I smiled at his answer. I yawned.
“You need rest. Sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” He said taking the chair from my desk and placing it next to the bed.
I yawned again.
“Don’t worry, the pain will come later after you wake up.” Brian re assured me.
"You know you are really sweet?" I asked, smiling at him.
"Yes." He answered, looking into my eyes.
I soaked in his light bright blue eyes and dirty blond hair that covered half of his eyes, the freckles in his nose that had a small bump in the middle, and his fair sized lips that glowed a natural pink.
“How’s Becky?” I asked, breaking our gaze.
Becky was his last girlfriend from a few months ago. maybe include why she might want to know. It will show more of the interest she has for him.
“I don’t know, you know how I Changed a few months ago? Well, after I Changed I broke up with her.” He answered.
“Why?” I asked yawning at the same time.
“You need to sleep.” Brian said avoiding the question. You dont need to use his name, you can just say he, there isn't anyone else in the conversation so it got to Brian.
“No tell me, and then I'll sleep. I promise.” I said looking him in the eyes. Comma after said.
“It’s…complicated. Being a werewolf I won’t always be around. I have to patrol. My temper doesn’t help either. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I broke up with her.” He said breaking my gaze.
“I’m sorry.” I said softly.
“It’s okay.” He said. With that I fell into deep sleep.

In a way I always knew I was special. I was normal, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think I was different. Even though no one had explained anything to me or given hints to me as I grew up, and came to this point, I had always knew that I was different despite those facts. It was uncommon for me to think at night about this; my differentness. is differentness a word? just curious. I had never really put thought into, but recently when I started slowly going into the Change, and felt myself Changing, I thought about it more than ever.
When I started to slowly go into the Change is when Meghan, Hunter, Tucker, Brian, and Leon started talking to me. At first I was cold to them, but know that I am completely going through the Change we are best friends. It doesn’t help though that out of all of us there are three cute boys. It makes is harder to think of them as friends. the beginning of this seems to be a bit confusing. When did the change really start taking place? I thought her parents were there?
Hunter is the cutest out of the three, he is also the shyest. Hunter has dark brown hair that looks like its black. His eyes are a nice color of gray. He has freckles on his cheeks. His nose is straight. With looks like that of course he has a girlfriend. Her name is Aubree. Was Hunter mentioned in the beginning?
Brian is the second cutest, and Leon was the third cutest.
Leon had brown hair with natural red highlights in that show in the light. His hair fell over his green eyes. He had a Italian nose that looks good on him. He had light fair lips.
Out of the whole group Meghan was the one to tell me what they were and explain. She explained while I was in the fever stage. It said Leon had Does he not still have brown hair with natural red highlights?
She explained that they were werewolves.
I woke up hearing myself scream. I noticed the pain shooting through my body. I startled Brian who was asleep on the ground on the side of his stomach. Wicket Cute!!!!
“I’m sorry.” I said through gasps.
“What do you need?” He asked moving to my side.
“Nothing just water.” I said through my pain.
Brian left the room for literally a second and came back with a pitcher of water and a big glass cup.
“Here,” he said, handing me the big glass. I drank it in one gulp.
“More?” He asked.
“No, I’m good.” I said wincing as another shot of pain flowed through my aching body.
“How long have I been asleep?” I asked suppressing a scream. dont forget the comma after I asked!!
“A day,” He answered taking his place in the chair he used before I went to sleep.
“A day,” I asked surprised.
“Yep, day one of the Change is gone. You are now in the middle of day two.”
Had I slept that long? Had the stress and the pain caused me to sleep through one whole day? I was happy I missed the worst part of the change, but I was not happy I slept so long. I need to get up and go to see the pack in the woods. I would not stay in bed today, no matter how much pain engulfed me.
“Let’s go.” I said getting out of bed. He pushed me back down.
“No, you’re in the middle of day two not the end. You still have a little pain coming.” Brian said.
“Nah uh, I am leaving today no matter what pain I go through.” I said, pushing his hand off my shoulder.
“No, you are staying here.” He yelled at me pushing me down again. I growled my throat vibrating.
“Wow! Calm down. We are not leaving though, no matter what you do.” Brian said firmly leaving me mad.
The pain subsided making me able to move. I sat on my bed cross legged.
“Hey, can you go to your wolf sight, and see how much heat has taken over my body, so I can estimate how much time it will take?” I asked smiling.
“Fine,” He grumbled.
I looked at his eyes. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes again his eyes were gray. He looked at me for a few minutes and blinked again, his normal eyes came back.
“It starts at your head and stops at the knees. It will take at least two more hours.” He said.
“Thanks.”
“You know today is your birthday?” He questioned.
“What? It can’t be!” I said.
“Yeah, your fifteen today, Happy Birthday.” He said leaning close to me, then backing away.
How much i wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to kiss him so badly, it left my heart aching.
Suddenly my eyesight went to a blur. I started to see colors of the rainbows coming off of the objects in my room.





Wow! I'm like hooked on your story. I want more! ha ha. So you know, you don't need to put said, asked, growled, things like that every time someone talks. Maybe you could add some narration, too. I noticed you like conversation, I understand, I love them! but narration is necessary. PM me when you ass more! You should check out my story! It's called New Life. Forst three chapters are up on my profile. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy


-Jess! Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation
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pshhxhoney   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JessicaB:

Thanks! I love when people review and comment my stuff! I'm so glad you like this! I will post Chp 2 pt 2 as soon as I can. I have already wrote, but I just need to mix it up and fix it a little bit before I post it.

I will try to edit my work as soon as I can. I've been so busy lately it's so hard too edit!

I will check out your work right after this! Thanks again for everything!

-krisy
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